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I've had a friend for nearly a decade. She's been a close friend and confidant, through thick and thin. We've always been there for one another in times of need. She comes from an affluent background, is well educated, and pretty successful in her career. She has always struggled with relationships however. Whether it's been with emotionally abusive or neglectful boyfriends, or not finding the right spark; relationships have been her Achilles heel. Well, that was until she met her current fiancee.
Now, to give some additional context to this, I want to describe who my friend was before. She was always kind, caring, empathetic, open-minded, progressive, etc. She's one of the most thoughtful people I know. Despite her affluent upbringing, she'd be the first person reaching out to help when you were in need. When she met her fiancee, she had serious doubts about him. His personality was a mismatch, his world views were quite conflicting with hers, and she wasn't physically attracted to him initially. But my friend, you see, has been desperately seeking romance since I've known her. And with all of her friends and family starting to tie the knot, her desire only grew stronger. So she stuck it out with this guy, because he was better than anyone she'd dated in the past, and far better than nothing at all.
Fast forward a couple years later, and he has sunk his claws into her quite nicely. In fact, I've noticed over this time that my friend has developed some her fiancee's worst qualities. Some of the things I caught her saying are things that I'd never have imagined coming out of her mouth several years ago. He's a troll. He likes to push people's buttons, so he'll say or do anything to stir the pot. He also has an inflated sense of self pride. And these are just some of the things that have seemingly rubbed off on her. Now, a lot of it I don't think is intentional on her part, but his (negative) traits are definitely coming out in her. They still argue about opinions or viewpoints, and he definitely trolls her from time to time. But she has seemingly embraced all of it, and has even developed some of her own versions of his traits.
Well before my friend was engaged, I asked her to stand in my wedding this upcoming fall. So now I'm sort of tied to her until at least after that date. But I am seriously contemplating cutting ties, and my fiancee agrees with some of the qualities this friend has exhibited. She's not the same person she used to be. She's not pleasant to be around when she is around him. She doesn't seem ultimately happy more often than not (about a month ago, her fiancee was calling around to friends so he could crash on their couch as a result of one of their fights). But she's starving to be married, and now that she's engaged, she's 110% dedicated to this cause with him.
How have you dealt with a close friend who changed for the worse as a result of a relationship? What was the short term and long term outcome?
Well, all I have to say is, how could being with someone whose values and personality conflict with yours, and who enjoys provoking people in order to argue with them, be better than no relationship at all? This is your friend's problem; she apparently views being alone as a fate worse than an abusive relationship.
She needs help. If you noticed she had a pattern of abusive relationships in the past, did you ever suggest she get professional help, to get at the root cause of the poor choices she was making? That would have been the thing to do.
Well, all I have to say is, how could being with someone whose values and personality conflict with yours, and who enjoys provoking people in order to argue with them, be better than no relationship at all? This is your friend's problem; she apparently views being alone as a fate worse than an abusive relationship.
She needs help. If you noticed she had a pattern of abusive relationships in the past, did you ever suggest she get professional help, to get at the root cause of the poor choices she was making? That would have been the thing to do.
Yes, I have tried to explain to her that these are not the characteristics of a healthy relationship. Whenever I've brought it up in the past, she usually just shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. At this point, since she's enamored with the thought of planning her own wedding, I feel like all is lost.
Yes, I have tried to explain to her that these are not the characteristics of a healthy relationship. Whenever I've brought it up in the past, she usually just shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. At this point, since she's enamored with the thought of planning her own wedding, I feel like all is lost.
I think it is lost for now. I had a friend who married a guy (who wasn't quite as bad as what you've described but was still a jerk) just before she turned 30. I absolutely think the one of the reasons she married him was that she didn't want to be unmarried at 30. They divorced a few years later.
It wouldn't surprise me if, after a few years, your friend ends up divorced from this guy.
You've tried to warn her but since she refuses to listen, there is nothing else you can do because she won't change her mind. Her being in your wedding is another reason to let it go, you don't want the drama to spill over to your day.
How have you dealt with a close friend who changed for the worse as a result of a relationship? What was the short term and long term outcome?
Yes, my closet, most valued friend of many, many years. We saw each other through the struggles and triumphs of our respective lives. Enter new wife. Paranoid and insecure, not a very nice person and saw something where nothing existed. Dear friend slowly started to morph into a person that vaguely resembled his prior self. I let him go be what he thinks he wants to be because I love him that much.
We had a discussion once about how we both thought that only death would take either one of us from the other; apparently, that is not the case.
I truly hope your outcome with your dear friend turns out different than mine. What an incalculable and devastating loss.
Yes, I have tried to explain to her that these are not the characteristics of a healthy relationship. Whenever I've brought it up in the past, she usually just shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. At this point, since she's enamored with the thought of planning her own wedding, I feel like all is lost.
The wedding juggernaut has begun! All you can do now, is get out of the way, for your own safety.
Trainwrecks tend to be messy, and can incur collateral damage.
Boy, is she going to regret this, once she wakes up, the first morning of her honeymoon. I can't bear to watch.
We all have sick friends whose picker is broken
In extreme cases a cop has to try to pull the guy off her and cuff him
She will in 9 out of 10 cases go back to him
Stand back and give me some room
Well, all I have to say is, how could being with someone whose values and personality conflict with yours, and who enjoys provoking people in order to argue with them, be better than no relationship at all? This is your friend's problem; she apparently views being alone as a fate worse than an abusive relationship.
She needs help. If you noticed she had a pattern of abusive relationships in the past, did you ever suggest she get professional help, to get at the root cause of the poor choices she was making? That would have been the thing to do.
As always, R4T zeroes in on relationship topics.
There are two kinds of people. There are those who let our relationships define us, and there are those who define ourselves by our relationships. OP's friend is the former.
I don't see OP how you can help your friend since apparently she has made her choice. I think you have to change your plans, and maybe use the opportunity to tell her why. I don't think that will go well as people as a group are poor on receiving constructive criticism.
The wedding juggernaut has begun! All you can do now, is get out of the way, for your own safety.
Trainwrecks tend to be messy, and can incur collateral damage.
Boy, is she going to regret this, once she wakes up, the first morning of her honeymoon. I can't bear to watch.
I've been contemplating with my fiancee whether or not I should attend her wedding if or when it does happen. While she'll be in ours, I find it difficult to go in support of a relationship I don't agree with. Do you think this is this bad form? How do you congratulate someone on something like this?
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