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If you do not have much sex because he does it without you and then rejects sex with you, HE is the problem.
If he is always available for sex with you and you get enough and additionally does it himself, YOU are the problem.
I dont really think either one has to be a problem. if she is getting enough sex for herself then its not a problem if he is taking care of himself and not complaining about it.
If you do not have much sex because he does it without you and then rejects sex with you, HE is the problem.
If he is always available for sex with you and you get enough and additionally does it himself, YOU are the problem.
Agree. But hasn't the therapist already suggested this? Maybe not in these words (or maybe so, who knows) but hasn't this been covered? Yet she's still unhappy. Something deeper is going on. It's not just about tossing every so often. After all, she said she does, too. It's more than this, obviously.
It could be a cycle. She resented him in the beginning because apparently he chose his hand over her (and that WOULD hurt - and depending on the severity, I mean if it seriously was putting a damper on things, yes, that would indeed have been a problem), but she reacted BADLY to this, with yelling. So then he resented her. Now he has to "hide" his masturbation...at the same time she's freaked out by it because previously, it caused a rift in their sexuality as a couple.
And being realistic about it, again, unless I missed something (it's possible), if there were nothing behind his initially rejecting sex, wouldn't he have said "you're out of your mind" - why would he have agreed to therapy? It seems to me he did realize something is going on in there. Just a hunch.
I would be very surprised if the therapist hadn't mentioned all of this as a possibility, like in the very first session. This sort of thing isn't all that uncommon. Someone pulls back, the other resents and reacts badly, the first is hurt too and perhaps continues to hold back, it goes 'round and 'round.
Men are simply wired to become aroused by sight; women are wired differently.
Just because he looks at porn on occasion does not mean he does not love and desire you. Your past with a cheating husband is causing you to overreact. Focus on fixing those old feelings of insecurity; that is the rwal problem here.
OP, I'm going to be one of relatively few people who say "I understand how you feel, and I feel similarly." In my own case I've given it a lot of thought. I have dug down to figure out what my issues are with this. Because I do not believe that my partner is doing anything I consider (in my thinking mind) to be morally WRONG in enjoying porn...yet it makes me FEEL hurt and insecure and, well, frankly, rather inadequate.
My own process tends to follow that fantasy will always attain a level of perfection to which reality cannot hope to measure up. I am real and human, I am imperfect, and I am aging, and the internet is a never ending feast of perfect-looking young women. Endless novelty while I remain...just me. How is it possible, then, no matter what we do, for sex with just me to be anything but boring compared to that? So why am I even bothering? That is what my HEART is telling me even when my MIND is saying, "but no, he loves you, and that's just not even the same thing for him, and there's nothing really wrong with this"...
What seems different is that you have got your partner (at the threat of you leaving him?) to agree to stop doing that. I would worry a lot about setting up a situation where he's simply lying about it. I have not asked my partner to refrain from enjoying porn. In fact, the opposite, I felt the healthier direction would be for me to try harder to accept, even enjoy it myself. Because I "take care of things" myself but have fantasy in my head, not porn, when I do...so I talked to him about concepts that I find exciting, and he's looked for content that we could enjoy together. I have to leave that to him, because when I've tried to search for anything I might like, I just get bored, annoyed and frustrated.
But he has found a few things that (surprise!) I've been able to also enjoy. I've begun to be able to think of it as an enhancement to OUR sex life. Which is helping to really lighten those feelings of hurt and inadequacy for me.
Your process and desired end goal may be completely different. But I would ask, as you process this and perhaps with your therapist... Try to imagine exactly how it feels to you when you imagine him looking at the stuff, then try to remember if there was ever a time, other times, when you were married and even further back when you were a kid, that you felt that same emotional feeling. And what caused it then. You can really find out some surprising stuff about your own programming that way. (My own feels of inadequacy have to do with parental disapproval, for instance.)
Tread lightly, people. Rude posts and other inappropriate comments have been deleted. If you're not here to be kind and helpful, then move on and don't post in this thread.
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I didn't ask him to stop. I just told him how I felt. After I saw the therapists I told him to di whstever he feels. He said he stopped because he wanted to and that I should not worry, because he is enjoying sex with me more than alone. Still, my mind keeps telling me that sth isn t right.
And I also told him that I won't leave him because I do love him and I know he would not cheat on me. I told him that it's his body-his decision. I tried to be better for months, it was easier while at work, as I had other things to deal with, now I am on a long vacation, but my mind won't give me a break.
Hi, guys! I really need some help. I am a 29 year old woman and I am currently living with my 30 year old boyfriend. We've been together for 1 year and 3 months. I was married before with a man for 4 years, but eventually things ended because he cheated on me and constantly making me feel that he wants other women. He made me suffer a lot, although I am an attractive woman, I feel really insecure.
Anyway, my boyfriend is really nice and he is really good to me, we love each other a lot, but the problem is that one night, he opened up the subject of masturbation. I regret it now, but I asked him if he was still doing it, even if I am always available for sex. I know it is very important to men and I enjoy it, too. I mean I would like to have even more than we already do. He casually said" yes, of course I masturbate. Everybody does". Well then I got angry, especially that he told me that he normally looks at pics or gifs of porn and that once he even done looking at the sexy pictures of a person he knows. I reacted bad, he started saying that he would do whatever I want, we even went to therapy for some moths. He said that he hadn't done it in 5 months, we started having more sex and he says he doesn' t miss it.
The thing is I am still having a hard time accepting it, I feel really jealous when I think of it. I think about this all day, picturing him looking at those women. It s really tearing me apart because I love him so much at the same time and I can feel he loves me too. I really need to talk to people about this. He says there nothing about fantasy or wanting other girls or those girls, he got used to it as he was doing it since teenage years, he doesn' t think about much while doing it and it s not even pics of the same person. He said he did it when he was horny and he generally used several porn pics of different women. How can I accept this and stop hurting so much?
Quote:
Originally Posted by SVTLightning
I dont really think either one has to be a problem. if she is getting enough sex for herself then its not a problem if he is taking care of himself and not complaining about it.
To me it seemed that they did not have much sex BECAUSE he is doing it without her. But when he stopped doing it alone, he wanted more sex with her. So to me, he is the problem. He prefers masturbating over the real thing.
Well, it is wonderful that you have a partner who wants to accommodate your feelings and your needs.
I think that if anything, the fact that even after he says he will stop, out of love for you, and with frequent intimacy together, you STILL struggle with disturbing thoughts and feelings about this...to me, that really says it's attached to something else. I don't know if you can dig it out on your own, or your therapist will help. I recommend writing in a journal (even like a Word Doc or something on your computer if it's easier than paper) to try and organize your thoughts and minimize confusion and the mental "hamster wheel" effect.
(Please do be careful what you share here, though. This forum is meant to be PG-13 and also, making yourself too vulnerable in mixed company can just end up being more upsetting than helpful. A journal + therapist is probably best.)
Remember...if you are going through something and it's not comfortable, you are probably growing as a person. Personal growth usually does hurt a bit.
And my goodness, try not to let this ruin your vacation!
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