Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
And is this all really my fault, like he says? Did I push him to playing the games more and more because I complained and nagged about the amount he plays and his responsibilities he pushes aside or on to me? While I know that its not true, it hurts when his "defense" for playing is because he doesn't enjoy my company. It hurts when he tells me one minute he loves me and then in anger says that it was a mistake and he shouldn't have said that. Or tells me I'm "it" for him and he's committed and then tell me he didn't mean it.
Do NOT let him pin responsibility for his addiction on you. If it's your fault that he plays video games because you're always nagging him, that means that now that you've left him he'll stop playing them, right? Oh, SURE he will. And he doesn't get to say things and then take them back later.
It also boggles my mind that he has (apparently) a responsible job, but then many alcoholics function in responsible jobs for years. And all the stuff he's taking to stay alert and the lack of quality sleep will eventually catch up with him.
He's not your problem anymore. Go forth and build a better life with the lessons you've learned.
I realize that there is a lot of defensiveness on this forum anytime anyone mentions a "gaming addict," but damn....there's something wrong with someone who can't attend a party without bringing his games with him.
I'm not even going to address the fact that this guy is 38 years old.
I had a husband like this. He didn't take the xbox with him when we went somewhere but everything else sounds quite familiar. I destroyed that thing, then he just played on the computer. Yep, call of duty.
I got rid of him. 7 years later - he still sits at home all evening and weekends and plays. He will be moving back to his mom soon because he is retiring from the military and too lazy to apply for jobs. I am so glad he is not my problem anymore.
I used to come home and the dog destroyed half of the kitchen because he just ignored her all day. He was sitting at the same spot I left him hours ago, dishes piled up around him and didn't even realize that the flour was dragged through the whole house by the dog and everything was white.
How did you finally leave him? How did you cope? I’m having such a hard time. I’m so hurt by the things he said, that it was a mistake to say he loved me, that I should wonder why he’d rather play video games than spend time with me. I want to text him and tell him what i thibn of him. I can’t really sleep and start randomly crying. I just want to fast forward and get past all this hurt
I realize that there is a lot of defensiveness on this forum anytime anyone mentions a "gaming addict," but damn....there's something wrong with someone who can't attend a party without bringing his games with him.
I'm not even going to address the fact that this guy is 38 years old.
I believe the average age of video game addicts is 35 - give or take a few years. Never too old to be addicted to something.
How did you finally leave him? How did you cope? I’m having such a hard time. I’m so hurt by the things he said, that it was a mistake to say he loved me, that I should wonder why he’d rather play video games than spend time with me. I want to text him and tell him what i thibn of him. I can’t really sleep and start randomly crying. I just want to fast forward and get past all this hurt
Well, I went to counseling. The counselor said "why are you scared of being alone? You are alone right now even though he is there all the time. You do all chores alone, you do all the fun stuff alone. Whenever there is a problem, you have to master it yourself without his help. He is not a husband. He's just like furniture in your house."
I felt bad for a long time for leaving him. Questioned my decision because it wasn't horrible with him. It would have been easier if he would have cheated or abused me. It took me about a year to get rid of the doubts.
Now I wonder why I stayed with him for so long (7 years).
We were friends first for 8 months and then dating for about half a year and all was normal. Then I moved into his place and the day I moved in, I came with my stuff, he opened the door and then went in his "office" to play video games 5 minutes after my arrival and stayed there all evening. And I sat there thinking that's pretty odd. And that's how it was every evening from now on.
He said he cannot watch tv or do anything else because he doesn't speak German (we were in Germany when we met). So he plays video games to not get bored. The explanation kinda made sense at the time. Little did I know.
It will get better, I promise. You deserve better.
Trust me - I wish I could take the dog. First of all, I've been in that dog's life since he was 4 months old (now, almost 2). He's pretty much my child. We have probably spent more time together than the ex has, if you can imagine. I worry about the dog every day.
It looks like the dog was the best part of the relationship. I was going to suggest you ask to take him, but now realize another post said you weren't able to. Such a shame...
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetjess1951
Sorry, I understand what you mean. I didn't mean to make it seem like I was blaming the video games. I guess I was just making a point that the addiction he was so fixated on at the moment was video games. But thinking back, there have been multiple "addiction" issue. For one, he's addicted to dipping tobacco. Even does it at work. And he incorporates it into his video games, playing for hours on end and while filling an empty water bottle with his nasty spit. We had issues last summer with his addiction to softball. He HAD to play in tournaments, weekend after weekend after weekend. And I would have to go along with him to sit all day long in the hot sun to watch. There was absolutely no reasoning with him. Softball game first. And if I didn't like it, "I could leave".
He has a very serious problem. Unfortunately people like that are often delusional, they make excuses for their addictions, they claim they could stop if they wanted to. IMO people like this should just be left to enjoy their addictions alone, since there is little chance they will stop, little chance anybody could influence them to stop.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetjess1951
I also feel like I spend so much time trying to reason or understand. Like logically, an addict shouldn't be able to function in an executive professional role, right? How can he play 6 to 7 hours every night and perform at the level expected of him? And he does. Is it because he needs the job to finance his addictions?
He can't live without his job. You, on the other hand, are obviously expendable. I'm sorry to be so blunt about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetjess1951
How did you finally leave him? How did you cope? I’m having such a hard time. I’m so hurt by the things he said, that it was a mistake to say he loved me, that I should wonder why he’d rather play video games than spend time with me. I want to text him and tell him what i thibn of him. I can’t really sleep and start randomly crying. I just want to fast forward and get past all this hurt
Does it hurt more to peel off a bandage or rip it off in one stroke? I'm in the "rip it off in one stroke" category.
I've never had any romantic hurt that I didn't eventually heal from. I suspect most people could say the same. Do what you need to do and focus on your future. There is nothing better for healing a lost romance than finding a new one. Just start dating again and you should be too busy to spend much time thinking about your past.
Do NOT let him pin responsibility for his addiction on you. If it's your fault that he plays video games because you're always nagging him, that means that now that you've left him he'll stop playing them, right? Oh, SURE he will. And he doesn't get to say things and then take them back later.
It also boggles my mind that he has (apparently) a responsible job, but then many alcoholics function in responsible jobs for years. And all the stuff he's taking to stay alert and the lack of quality sleep will eventually catch up with him.
He's not your problem anymore. Go forth and build a better life with the lessons you've learned.
As much as he wants to blame me for his video games and unhappiness, I know it’s not my fault. I know that I haven’t done everything right in the relationship (who has?). I do know that I was always the one apologizing or begging to change myself or trying to change myself (aka accommodate his needs while mine were pushed to the side). In fact, I think he said the words “I’m sorry” once in a year and a half. I guess he’s just magically going to be happy again now that I’m out of his life? Haha, I was hardly the problem for his unhappiness. He just didn’t like that I pointed out the issues rather than just allowing him to do whatever.
You’re right. If he played so much because he’d rather play than spend time with me and I was so miserable, blah blah, why is he still playing? And how did that correlate with the dirty house? I made him miserable, so he chose to not clean his house? He chose not to do his laundry and leave clothes all over the place. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not OCD about things, but y’all, if you saw the state of his house, you would be disgusted. I mean, he won’t let people come over for that reason.
I think, if anything, I’m angry. I’m angry I put so much effort in and waited this long to walk away. I’m angry about the things he’s said about me and entertaining his efforts to hurt me. The things he says are comical. It’s almost like he deflects the person he is on to me. I know y’all dont know me from Joe, but there is not a single person in my life who would ever describe as a miserable person.
Up until about ten months ago I was a gaming addict. I'd get home and play until bedtime (not quite as late as your guy, though). Weekends, days off...I'd waste the whole day playing.
It was absolutely escapism. I didn't like my life and wanted to fill it with something that made me feel powerful, and video games fit the bill. I got to conquer planets, kill dragons, lead armies to victory, be the star of my own action movies, etc. Yeah, it was fake, but fake accomplishment beat real disappointment for me. I was isolated and socially withdrawn.
I finally woke up and saw how unhappy I really was. Swore to change. I quit most games cold-turkey. I still play with friends for two 2-hour sessions a week. That's it. I'm frankly afraid about getting too far into a game again, and even when I've tried to pick one up in that time I find I just don't enjoy it as much anymore. I can like the social aspect of playing with friends, but not by myself. I want more from my life than that path again.
I'm sorry your guy didn't realize that himself, and I'm sorry he put you through hell holding on to his addiction. Maybe, hopefully, losing you will be the kick he needs to see what a wasteland his life really is. I'm not saying go back to him if he does, just hoping that the pain can result in something positive for the both of you.
You did the right thing by ending this relationship, Jess. This guy is indeed dysfunctional due to his addiction. I hope you can put it behind you. Some of the behavior sounds familiar to me coming from a family of addicts (primarily alcoholics). For the addict, their lives revolve around their problem, and they drag down everyone around them. Sadly, you were dragged down as well. It's good for you that you walked away from it.
It was absolutely escapism. I didn't like my life and wanted to fill it with something that made me feel powerful, and video games fit the bill. I got to conquer planets, kill dragons, lead armies to victory, be the star of my own action movies, etc. Yeah, it was fake, but fake accomplishment beat real disappointment for me. I was isolated and socially withdrawn.
Thanks for that insight and congratulations on kicking your habit. You so perfectly described what drove my son deeply into video games during the last years of my tumultuous marriage to his father, and after we divorced when DS was 12. Now I feel like I sort of "enabled" him. A new video game always made him happy and it seemed one of the few bright spots in his life. He tapered off some when I sent him to NY Military Academy and ended up with a very good therapist when his grades faltered in college. The therapist helped him to manage his ADD and get off video games. DS is now 33, married to a wonderful young woman, has a good job and two beautiful little girls.
Maybe the OP's BF will hit bottom and realize he needs to change, but in the meantime she's right to steer clear of him.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Oh, SURE he will. And he doesn't get to say things and then take them back later. 
