Breaking up with a video game addict (marriage, woman, single)
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Softball game first. And if I didn't like it, "I could leave".
Why did you not???
I know from previous posts that you LIKE softball. But this was an obvious middle-finger to you, way back at the beginning. So WHY did you keep going back after he was so disrespectful???
That Adderall and Vyvance and those energy drinks are a pretty serious drug cocktail, releasing dopamine and other neurotransmitters, and Adderall is a combination of methamphetamine and dextroamphetamine according to Google. ... In other words, pharmacy crack.
Is he going to take all those drugs and then take up watercolor painting? He's immersing himself into a non-reality experience and isolating himself from reality, like the noise cancelling headphones. He's stuck inside his head in some juvenile drug induced "masturbational" fantasy, and by your description he's doing it to the point that his real world life is being compromised, but he values his imaginary world more.
Psychology generally considers people as having problems if whatever condition they have seriously interferes with their everyday normal functioning. I think 12 hours/day gaming and ignoring your partner qualifies as serious interference with a normal life.
I wish I could think of a solution other than just starting over with another partner.
I feel like I spent so much time trying to reason or convince him of the unhealthy addictive habits he had developed, hoping he would finally see it.
The video games progressively got worse over time. I'd say this time last year, he was maybe coming to bed around 10pm/10:30pm. We had sex almost every night and fell asleep before 12am. He wouldn't play video games AS much during the evenings. We would eat dinner together and play jeopardy or watch a show before he hoped on, but now he doesn't even pause to eat dinner. He's literally on the second he gets home and now doesn't come to bed until 11:45pm/12am, and sometimes after 12am.
The energy drinks weren't always present. And now that I think about it, I feel like that was an addiction too. We they started becoming more noticeably present, it was that we needed to stop at a gas station to grab a redbull before we hung out with friends or attended a sporting event. I shared the redbull just because and now I feel like I was contributing to or enabling the addiction. Now he stocks the fridge with them, consuming him on late night video game binges. After his 12pm to 2am video game binge Saturday night into Sunday, I came downstairs to see an empty coffee mug and an empty energy drink. Screw sleep, right? Let's just supplement with energy drinks.
I also feel like I spend so much time trying to reason or understand. Like logically, an addict shouldn't be able to function in an executive professional role, right? How can he play 6 to 7 hours every night and perform at the level expected of him? And he does. Is it because he needs the job to finance his addictions?
Is this all really my fault, like he says? Did I push him to playing the games more and more because I complained and nagged about the amount he plays and his responsibilities he pushes aside or on to me? While I know that its not true, it hurts when his "defense" for playing is because he doesn't enjoy my company. It hurts when he tells me one minute he loves me and then in anger says that it was a mistake and he shouldn't have said that. Or tells me I'm "it" for him and he's committed and then tell me he didn't mean it.
I wish I could also think of a solution other than starting over with someone else. But I'm not sure how there is any other option. Too many things have been said and done. I just wonder if he will ever realize what he lost.
I know from previous posts that you LIKE softball. But this was an obvious middle-finger to you, way back at the beginning. So WHY did you keep going back after he was so disrespectful???
Honestly, he had a good way of making me feel like the amount of softball (or video games) he was playing was normal and I was out of line for suggesting he cut back or stop
Honestly, he had a good way of making me feel like the amount of softball (or video games) he was playing was normal and I was out of line for suggesting he cut back or stop
I don't see how anyone comes back after being told, "if you don't like it, you can leave ...."
He made you doubt who you are. Never let someone do that. EVER.
I had a husband like this. He didn't take the xbox with him when we went somewhere but everything else sounds quite familiar. I destroyed that thing, then he just played on the computer. Yep, call of duty.
I got rid of him. 7 years later - he still sits at home all evening and weekends and plays. He will be moving back to his mom soon because he is retiring from the military and too lazy to apply for jobs. I am so glad he is not my problem anymore.
I used to come home and the dog destroyed half of the kitchen because he just ignored her all day. He was sitting at the same spot I left him hours ago, dishes piled up around him and didn't even realize that the flour was dragged through the whole house by the dog and everything was white.
OP has explained that she is not able to take the dog.
sweetjess, please please do not give another moment's consideration to any idea that this is your fault. It's not. Not in any way whatsoever. The guy is a fully autonomous human being who has to be free to make his own bad choices and live with the consequences, and you taking on fault for his bad behavior does not help you or him.
Walking away and STAYING away, might be the thing that helps him to one day fix himself so that he can live a normal life. As someone who has cared about, and for him, I would think you'd want that even if you cannot be part of it. But you can't. Really, not ever. And if he finds anyone else to be his enabler, then he'll stay stuck. Just like a smoker should not have one cigarette...just one...not starting again... And a recovered alcoholic should not have just one drink. If anyone enables him, he'll slide right back into his addictive behavior. Don't let it be you.
I know it's hard, because you see this person perhaps as a loved one who needs help. I thought of my ex as a mentally ill family member and it kept me trying to help him when I should have left him long ago. But you have to stay strong and real about this. You are not truly helping him, and you are harming yourself, if you consider going back.
I would also, after a relationship like this, recommend that you don't leap into any new relationship too serious too fast. Give yourself at least a year of independence (date if you want, have casual connections if you want, but do NOT talk long term commitment with anybody) so that you can make sure that you are choosing wisely in partners. Give lots of time for anything serious to evolve to a point you'd consider living with them or entangling life with them. Learn to pay attention to red flags.
Never ever date a gamer unless you are a gamer yourself. When it comes to you or his/her game. You won't even come close. I've heard and seen men when it came down to his wife or his Word of Warcraft, the wife can go!
I advise not getting the dog, and just sever all things tied to him.
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