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For a good chunk of people romantic emotional attachment won't form without the sex. The sex comes first. And a fair amount of people just want the sex, without the emotional attachment... and some, the opposite.
I have never considered this. So, I learned something new from this thread for sure. So...is it safe to assume that most people are NOT demisexual--by name or in practice? Is this why dating was such a nightmare for me? (Most lost interest if there was no sex after 2-3 dates).
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by buildings_and_bridges
I have never considered this. So, I learned something new from this thread for sure. So...is it safe to assume that most people are NOT demisexual--by name or in practice? Is this why dating was such a nightmare for me? (Most lost interest if there was no sex after 2-3 dates).
I don't know about most. For myself though, I am not demisexual. I do not form romantic emotional attachments to people I've not been physically intimate with. I can form friendship emotion connections with them, of course, but those feelings are different.
I have never considered this. So, I learned something new from this thread for sure. So...is it safe to assume that most people are NOT demisexual--by name or in practice? Is this why dating was such a nightmare for me? (Most lost interest if there was no sex after 2-3 dates).
For me, it's:
Intellectually stimulating conversation --> Curiosity/Interest --> Testing with innuendo or possibly even throwing down with pretty clear invitations to sex --> Sex --> If the sex is good, then I spend some time looking at them and evaluating them visually. Normally right after sex men look their absolute best in my eyes.
Then from that point....
> They fall in love fast and I spook.
> I fall in love fast and they spook.
> I didn't feel we were a very good match in bed or the sex wasn't great, and instantly, permanently friend-zone or ghost the guy.
> He wasn't that into me or just wanted a one time thing and he friend zones or ghosts me. (FZ if we share social circles, ghosts if not.)
> Neither of us acts too intense but we enjoy each other and continue to meet and have sex and spend time...could escalate into relationship or whatever. Might be a FWB for a while or a light relationship, might end up being more serious, who knows.
> The one and only time that both of us formed strong feelings for each other, it took me 6 months after we started having sex, to even get to that point. I mean the intense love feelings. Before that it was just, "Yeah, this is fun and I like you and I want to keep doing this" level emotion. After it was "Oh my god you are MAGICAL and you're the most amazing person" and we still cannot keep our hands off each other.
But feelings only appear after sex in my world, too. And even then, only sometimes, not remotely close to always. And more often the guy has "caught feels" than I, the woman, did, for that matter. Which also goes against the conventional wisdom that women are these emotional creatures and men can do casual sex with completely control and not get emotional about it. Yeah, not always, not so much.
EDIT: However it is worth mention~ I'm not religious (obviously) and never was and I have no moral qualms about sex without love or relationship, and do not feel that every connection should be an attempt at a lifelong bond. I do not consider a lifelong marriage to be The Gold Standard end all, be all of relationships. To me it is simply one valid choice among many valid choices.
(If the romantic connection never forms it becomes either a FWB or FB situation, or just a ONS/one off, or periodic casual sex.)
lol and bs. If you label one you better label the other. Or we can go back to using the old terms. But you don't get to normalize casual sex while, it seems pathologizing those who do not desire casual sex.
lol and bs. If you label one you better label the other. Or we can go back to using the old terms. But you don't get to normalize casual sex while, it seems pathologizing those who do not desire casual sex.
Interestingly (or not lol!) some people have done that reclaiming thing with one of the "old words" as in the s-word we can't type here because it'll be asterisked out...there is a book, "The Ethical S-word" that is quite popular in certain circles. It's a word I don't mind one bit and I use it for men and women both, if they are prolific lovers, amenable to casual sex, and especially if they are non-monogamous and non-fidelitious.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,974,024 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamajane
lol and bs. If you label one you better label the other. Or we can go back to using the old terms. But you don't get to normalize casual sex while, it seems pathologizing those who do not desire casual sex.
I think you're confused, because demisexuality is a sexuality. It has nothing to do with casual vs non casual sex.
But pretty much everyone's sex starts with the casual. People aren't born into long term committed relationships.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork
Interestingly (or not lol!) some people have done that reclaiming thing with one of the "old words" as in the s-word we can't type here because it'll be asterisked out...there is a book, "The Ethical S-word" that is quite popular in certain circles. It's a word I don't mind one bit and I use it for men and women both, if they are prolific lovers, amenable to casual sex, and especially if they are non-monogamous and non-fidelitious.
That book must have sold millions. I see it on many a shelf!
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