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I met a guy three months and for the first time of my life I fell head over heels for someone without thinking rationally......He was just like what I pictured in my head. He looked so cute. He was tall. He had a great job. He was very, very smart. He was very talented, he played different instruments, he could sing very well, he loved musicals, he went to theatre class, he was very organized...The best thing was we could talk about so many topics for hours and he could always gives me advice/shares his opinions with me. I felt safe to share anything with him (and vice versa). I felt like he could lead me and helped me grow as well. Also, I felt sooo physically attracted to him! Before I met him I hadn't liked sex at all since I hadn't have a nice experience with my ex but this time I really wanted to have something with this guy. I didn't tell him this but he told me the exact same thing, that he had the desire for me etc.
However... Apparently his personality was not OK at all. He was quite impatient and liked controlling people around him. He had such strict rules in his place and I always felt not at ease there. When we were out together, he would walk behind me and tell me which direction to turn, should I go faster or slower. He just gave orders like "turn left. Turn right. Go faster. Move. Move faster. " or he would just walk super fast and left me behind. when it rained, he didn't really care about me even though he was the one who hold the umbrella. etc etc... He was very selfish and always suspicious of many things. He had no sympathy for poor people and I felt like when he only spent his time on talking with people when 1. he knew he could get something from them(in my case, I was probably just a potential convenient fwb for him) or 2. Girls or women who were beautiful enough and showed their interest in him(This one is true since I observed how he interacted with females) or 3. He just suddenly felt bored and need someone to speak with(probably also my case) 4. He wanted to keep his noble and nice reputation, since almost everyone who knew him thinking that he's reliable, trustworthy and super intelligent.
I think he's in a relationship with a girl (maybe long distance---since I'm sure he lived alone-- I found this out later though) but he still wanted to "play around"--- like he said he's quite open minded when it comes to sex. He could be so cold hearted towards people sometimes and that scared me. He was popular among females and he totally knew how to use this as an advantage.
As much as I was attracted to him and wanted to sleep with him, I controlled myself and refused his kisses and other things. I just didn't want to be another easy girl on his one night stand list. Plus I've never done one night stand before and thats kind of against my rule. We spent two nights together in his place, nothing really happened but... it was amazing. He really liked cuddling with me too but I could see he was troubled by this at the same time. Then he told me that he's been in a complicated relationship for months and if I believe in some Prince Charming stuff i should just better go because he was not able to give me anything at the moment(yes at least he was honest). Surprisingly I accepted that calmly and told/lied to him that I wanted nothing from him. We met again two days later and he gave me a lot of compliments for my body still tried to make out with me but I refused him again--- I was not playing the “catch me if you can” game but I really wanted to be with him without leaving an "oh so actually you're an easy girl too I knew it" impression. He also told me that he didn't know why but when he was with me, he could talk a lot and shared something that he never shared with others before. That was nice to hear (but my sister told me that most of time men just say this same bs to all the women)
Our last meeting was quite awkward. He was sick and tired of his new job and didn't really wanted to interact with me. I felt like he might find out my true feelings for him and didn't want things to get further. In the end I was like fleeing from his place and we haven't been in contact until now (almost one month)...
I'm sorry for talking that much, but the point is, I really don't think I can meet anyone like this in the future. I enjoyed talking to him, spending time with him, we could share so many secrets and confront each other. His appearance and many other conditions meet my standards perfectly --- but on the other hand he has a horrible personality, as a boyfriend or husband. I knew I would have been worried all the time if we were together, he's that kind of guy who would easily cheat on his partner. At least I feel like that. And I would have been controlled by him since he had such a strong personality and I have an opposite one. Most important is... He was not in love with me at all.
I still miss him now. I still want to meet him. I know he's 100% no good to me and my friends all told me to stay away from him after I told them all the examples of his shortcomings (I wouldn't write them down here because it would be awfully long again). I don't know how to get out. I know I should do something to distract myself but I JUST CAN'T. I think of him constantly and it's been quite torturing since I know he only regarded me as a stupid woman who would bring him a possible nice shag in the future, with whom he happened to be able to talk a lot and to have some nice conversations(and I'm sure I'm not the only female who can give him that)...
I know everything sounds quite stupid here but I just don't know what to do. I know the best way to forget about him are staying like strangers and never contacting him again...but I still have some things in his place. I don't want to contact him because of this though... My rational part tells me that it's better not to meet him ever again. My emotional part tells me that yeah go ahead use this as an excuse to meet him! My Italian girl friends told me that “ come on what you're waiting for just sleeping with him once at least you would know how does it feel ” but I don't really want to do this kind of thing.
So... What do you think? I know it's a boring story but I would appreciate it very much if you could share your opinions... Whether it's how to forget about him or how to get my stuffs back! �� thank you.
PS: guys, thank you very much for your replies, but do you have any idea how to get my things back from his place...?
Last edited by lostlincoln; 11-03-2018 at 05:03 PM..
However... Apparently his personality was not OK at all. He was quite impatient and liked controlling people around him. He had such strict rules in his place and I always felt not at ease there.
He has serious psychological problems. I can tell that just from what I learned at my Psych minor in college and what I read in your post. Not even a psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose a patient without meeting them in person. I'll hazard he has some kind of personality disorder, narcissism, or something in that spectrum.
Narcissists can be extremely charming and charismatic people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lostlincoln
I know he's 100% no good to me and my friends all told me to stay away from him after I told them all the examples of his shortcomings...
Stay away from him. Read your OP for all the examples of his shortcomings.
We don't sugar coat things in this forum section. Move on. There are plenty of nice people that are much better than him.
There are a million articles you can Google to find out how to stop obsessive thoughts, which is what you're having.
You KNOW he's wrong for you. Force yourself to get over it.
This is the version you need to keep reading. Just keep reading your own words over and over:
Quote:
Originally Posted by lostlincoln
He was quite impatient and liked controlling people around him.
He had such strict rules in his place and I always felt not at ease there.
When we were out together, he would walk behind me and tell me which direction to turn, should I go faster or slower. He just gave orders like "turn left. Turn right. Go faster. Move. Move faster. " or he would just walk super fast and left me behind.
when it rained, he didn't really care about me even though he was the one who hold the umbrella. etc etc...
He was very selfish and always suspicious of many things.
He had no sympathy for poor people and I felt like when he only spent his time on talking with people when 1. he knew he could get something from them(in my case, I was probably just a potential convenient fwb for him) or 2. Girls or women who were beautiful enough and showed their interest in him(This one is true since I observed how he interacted with females) or 3. He just suddenly felt bored and need someone to speak with(probably also my case) 4. He wanted to keep his noble and nice reputation, since almost everyone who knew him thinking that he's reliable, trustworthy and super intelligent.
I think he's in a relationship with a girl (maybe long distance---since I'm sure he lived alone-- I found this out later though) but he still wanted to "play around"
Then he told me that he's been in a complicated relationship for months and if I believe in some Prince Charming stuff i should just better go because he was not able to give me anything at the moment
...he has a horrible personality, as a boyfriend or husband.
I knew I would have been worried all the time if we were together, he's that kind of guy who would easily cheat on his partner.
He was not in love with me at all.
I know he's 100% no good to me and my friends all told me to stay away from him
... he only regarded me as a stupid woman who would bring him a possible nice shag in the future
You come across as very needy and desperate for a man's attention/love and a relationship. When you seek companionship from a place of "need" versus "desire," it is never a good place to start from And, it is not fair or reasonable to ask or expect a partner to fill all or most of those "needs" for you; that's YOUR job. A partner enhances the wonderful life you already have; he does not "make" your existence wonderful/happy.
Re this guy--you are attracted to the man he is not. You made Mr. Perfect up in your head and now you are trying to find ways to fit this guy into your Mr. Perfect model. It will not work. Even if he is all of those things you mentioned are desirable attributes of him, who really cares if he is not a good, caring, attentive, nurturing and loving soul? He is NOT worth any time you may put into him. Break free and move on.
Think about what you want out of life. If you want a husband and children, especially if he is Italian, he might appreciate a wife who is a virgin when he marries her.
Why would you want to settle for someone who you know would probably not be faithful to you even if you did develop into something long term, (which doesn't seem very likely)?
You seem like you know the right answers to all you ask, and are just looking for support. I support you. Don't settle. Hold out for the very best, and he obviously is not it.
I had a very exceptional relationship with a great guy. I was not a virgin when we met, and he did not hold that fact against me, but, if anything could have made that relationship much more special for both of us, it would have been that I was a virgin. I can honestly say that I wish I had been. I can also tell you that the best sex I ever had was with him, because I loved him and knew he loved me.
At the very least, if you are going to settle for table scraps, wait until you are in your 30s to worry about knowing what it feels like. As a woman, we only get one shot at making the right choice.
As for getting your stuff back, simply ask him for it. Or, if you don't trust that, get new stuff. New stuff will help you forget him.
I'm sorry for talking that much, but the point is, I really don't think I can meet anyone like this in the future. I enjoyed talking to him, spending time with him, we could share so many secrets and confront each other. His appearance and many other conditions meet my standards perfectly --- but on the other hand he has a horrible personality, as a boyfriend or husband. I knew I would have been worried all the time if we were together, he's that kind of guy who would easily cheat on his partner. At least I feel like that. And I would have been controlled by him since he had such a strong personality and I have an opposite one. Most important is... He was not in love with me at all.
OP, re-read that paragraph. As many times as you need to, for the gist of it to sink in.
"He's charming and we have so much in common that we can talk for hours, and he's SO-O-O good-looking! But I found out he's an axe murderer, and has a couple of warrants out for his arrest, because HE'S A PSYCHO!"
Sociopaths, and even garden-variety narcissists, tend to be very charming at first. But they'll make you miserable by eroding your self-confidence, making you doubt your own judgment, and manipulating you into revolving around them. Eventually, they'll become emotionally abusive.
Some variation of that will be your future, if you stay with this guy.
You can do better than that, keep telling yourself that. A lot of red flags in your post. He sounds like a douche bag. Don't ask him for your stuff. Take control and get it back. Tell him your coming over to get your stuff, bring a trusted friend with you to be safe.
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