Less sex in relationships and fewer relationships (husband, personalities, beautiful)
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That was a fun and interesting watch. He rejected almost half of his 30 matches and then he was down to six. I had a feeling he was going to choose his final choice. Many could say she was the most attractive of the bunch. So...yay looks! Looks are a factor on and offline.
Also "But he's a Chad!!!! He'll do better than most regular guys."
He's a handsome Asian guy, but it's well-known per the data that Asian guys, among others, can struggle with dating, especially when forgoing cultural customs of arranged dating/marriage or dating within a very tight circle.
He rejected a lot of average or even cute women. The women he ended up choosing were slightly better-looking or very attractive (his pick).
Last edited by Metaphysique; 11-20-2018 at 07:47 AM..
That was a fun and interesting watch. He rejected almost half of his 30 matches and then he was down to six. I had a feeling he was going to choose his final choice. Many could say she was the most attractive of the bunch. So...yay looks! Looks are a factor on and offline.
Also "But he's a Chad!!!! He'll do better than most regular guys."
He's a handsome Asian guy, but it's well-known per the data that Asian guys, among others, can struggle with dating, especially when forgoing cultural customs of arranged dating/marriage or dating within a very tight circle.
He rejected a lot of average or even cute women. The women he ended up choosing were slightly better-looking or very attractive (his pick).
I posted this for fun and a little perspective. However, I don't think there is anything wrong with OLD and it's what an individual chooses to make of it. Each method of dating has its pros and cons. With every new thing comes a new set of benefits and disadvantages. That's why we have this thing called: choice. Which is the point the OP seems to be missing.
Also the word "average" is interesting to me. In my evolutionary psychology class, being average is a compliment. The studies presented in the lectures showed that many people preferred faces that are just averages of all possible physical features, rather than extreme features. So if someone calls you average, it's actually a good thing. According to him. It was very interesting.
Actually, I know of a forum where at least once a month people post "Success stories" re marriage from having met online. However, in online dating the vast majority of people fail. Unless you count casual sexual encounters as success. The complaints depict things fairly accurately, vs. for example complaints about bosses. It's not reporting bias. Not saying the typical date is awful, but the time active on the dating market is for most singles awful - I am not exaggerating.
Also, to backtrack to the notion of whether "happy" is too much to expect, think of the long-term. How many people won't someday go into a funk or develop a long-lasting, mood-lowering health issue? How many people will be elderly and remain charming social company? What then, break up? I'm not saying lean toward grumpiness or gloominess, but it shouldn't be a major red flag. I'm tentatively placing overtly happy in the same category as "hot," nice to have, but not a lasting quality or a keystone for a relationship. I've posted this myself, though, maybe 2 years ago - many people seem to need to be strongly motivated by some surface traits to pair up with others, or by dubious internal factors (say, loneliness). I don't know if people can be reasoned into acting upon less, just as most people aren't going to turn into interesting conversationalists who can rise above their own unimpressive looks.
That is completely wrong, as is much of this post. I've seen unattractive men come into my scene and at first be very awkward and quiet, and over time, as they relax and realize that they are not being socially rejected there, open up and show their true colors. And when they do, there's usually some really cool stuff under the surface.
But see guys with your mindset never get that far. You know why? They come in expecting fast results, or same-night results, and when that does not happen, they don't come back because they are angry and they'd rather sit at home complaining about how the whole game is rigged against them.
In terms of happy or not happy, I think (as often, he's a great example of failure) of my ex. If a woman asks him what he does for fun, he'll say, "I don't remember how to have fun anymore. I'm hoping to meet someone who will show me what that's like again." I suggested he watch Game of Thrones, because I know him well enough (ought to after all these years) that I know he would love it. He refuses, even if I offer to lend him DVDs he refuses, because "he doesn't have anyone to watch it with." It's like because he does not have a woman to feed him positivity, he refuses to even try to experience any. And given any chance he will spout off complaints of the same flavor we always see here, about how all the evils of the world are the fault of women. Women and our "pickiness." Women and hypergamy. Women and cheating. Women and our options. How we leave the house and men line up. He's even warped reality enough that he believes a shaming fantasy he's concocted in his mind that I, his ex, embodiment of all the evil wimminz, went to bars and got on a table and let man after man "line up and take a turn." Because that is what he thinks life must be like for women. It's a combination of hate and envy. Because at the same time as he is disgusted, he's also filled with self loathing and wishes he were desirable "like that."
Yeah no woman's life is actually like that. We would not want it to be anyways. And under all that nasty, nasty stuff, is a deep seated need to punish women.
I think that (hopefully to a much lesser degree) most women have encountered someone like that, someone whose life has filled them with poisonous mojo, who is just looking for someone to take it out on. These men do not become happy when a woman comes into their lives.
And you know, this is not about coping with the external factors life throws at us. No, as JerZ said it isn't about swinging from the chandeliers all the time. It's about who you generally are as a baseline. If you are generally a positive person as a baseline, then you can more functionally handle life's challenges, too. But if you are depressive and not seeking help, and expect someone to slog through crap with you... Well, you're going to have to find someone who is similarly messy, or just stupid, to sign on for that. And why in the hell would someone like me want to settle for an unhappy person, when I am quite capable of finding someone to be my companion who knows how to appreciate life, and who shares in joy with me? And ya know, dating can be seen as something of a barometer, because if I get the impression a guy can't even legitimately have fun on date, but sees it as an unfortunately necessary inconvenience to endure in the pursuit of his high-stakes goal...ugh. That isn't how I roll, how I live, or the mojo I want in my life or my companion. Nope.
Quote:
Originally Posted by At Arms Length
... there’s a lot more men into BBW than there are women into dadbods.
...
Patently untrue. The most prolific player I've ever met has a "dadbod." He also has a very charismatic demeanor, knows his target demographic and plays them with skill, and has mastered the conversational technique of your average therapist, which is to keep the subject talking. If you are a man who is seeking women, unless you are truly hideous, like black and brown teeth, bad smelling, hunchback, disfigured awful hideous, if you are reasonably normal looking, there are ways to cultivate a demeanor that will appeal to someone. Or many someones. No, it's not "just be yourself" if yourself is blah you need to make yourself not blah. Be your best self. Learn things. Master a talent of some kind. Be interesting. Do stuff. If you can't score points in column A, then work on columns B, C, and D. Women DO care about that stuff.
We do. Seriously.
And then put yourself out there somewhere that isn't formatted as "swipe left swipe right" because that junk is a bunch of playing superficial games and winning superficial prizes. Write a decent profile. Women will read it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by goodheathen
Almost all men judge on looks to the degree that they won't pursue without being physically attracted. Everyone knows that, and ultimately with women as gatekeepers, it's probably more relevant how picky women are about men's looks.
Of course I know of couples where men and women are neither good-looking nor fun, characteristic, or something roughly equivalent, but among younger couples, at the bare minimum good looks usually are present. As far as I can tell, for the young people the article focuses on, it's becoming normal for guys who don't make a quick positive impression to be struggling. Are they supposed to sit out for years while the other sex wises up or becomes desperate and not become warped?
Are men supposed to have validity in their criteria to be "attracted" and women to (for what reason?) settle for men we do not find attractive in literally any way shape or form? Like you weren't gorgeous but we still gave you a chance to have a conversation with us, and then you were also not charismatic, intelligent, witty, interesting, or appealing in any fashion.
If men don't want to be expected to settle for ugly women trailing a bunch of kids and baggage and drug addiction who have literally no redeeming quality that you would find appealing, then why on earth are guys like you trying to say, "A guy should be allowed to be unattractive, not charismatic, not talented or smart or even happy, really just a miserable human being--hey he MIGHT MAKE A GOOD PARTNER! and it's no fair he gets shut out!" What? In what way exactly will he "make a good partner?" He will be loyal and not cheat and stick around? Oh great, I stepped in this poo and it won't wash off and now I cannot get rid of it. Fantastic. Please tell me why people who cannot manage to cultivate a single redeeming quality, even if they have the chance to shine in ways other than the ones we cannot help (such as our basic genetics/looks) must be given a chance? How is it my problem to make sure they do not become "warped?"
Are men supposed to have validity in their criteria to be "attracted" and women to (for what reason?) settle for men we do not find attractive in literally any way shape or form? Like you weren't gorgeous but we still gave you a chance to have a conversation with us, and then you were also not charismatic, intelligent, witty, interesting, or appealing in any fashion.
If men don't want to be expected to settle for ugly women trailing a bunch of kids and baggage and drug addiction who have literally no redeeming quality that you would find appealing, then why on earth are guys like you trying to say, "A guy should be allowed to be unattractive, not charismatic, not talented or smart or even happy, really just a miserable human being--hey he MIGHT MAKE A GOOD PARTNER! and it's no fair he gets shut out!" What? In what way exactly will he "make a good partner?" He will be loyal and not cheat and stick around? Oh great, I stepped in this poo and it won't wash off and now I cannot get rid of it. Fantastic. Please tell me why people who cannot manage to cultivate a single redeeming quality, even if they have the chance to shine in ways other than the ones we cannot help (such as our basic genetics/looks) must be given a chance? How is it my problem to make sure they do not become "warped?"
Seriously though?
Ohh yes girl. Call out that hypocrisy. You articulated it a lot better than I could.
You know what seems unhealthy to me is actually the obsession with sex. The mindset that everything just has to be all about sex all the damn time.
There are a lot of ways that human beings connect, where either it has nothing to do with sex or sex is pretty secondary.
And while I know that my experience in this isn't the same as what many people are there for and experience, I swear...when I see some of these isolated, frustrated, lonely souls (usually here) I wish I could pull them into my kink community, not for the kink, not because of the sex or the opportunity of sex, but because of the basic human connection. For me that's the magic of it. That is where I am seeing so many friends now with loving, fulfilling, happy relationships. (Let's face it, there are plenty of people who are in relationships, getting sex, yet still feel lonely and disconnected or worse.) This is where I am finding, when I'm there at an event, the energy of the people is golden warm, almost blissful. We support each other, we care about each other. We respect one another's boundaries. We're trying to take relating to other humans to a different level and my god it can be a beautiful thing. I mean, I can even think of this one guy I know, he's been around a while and not found anyone to partner with, but he keeps coming back because he feels accepted, appreciated, liked. Where many people in some circles would dismiss him out of hand, we do not.
That's why I sometimes talk to people about community, and advise them to seek it...not necessarily THIS kind of community, it can be anchored by anything you have an interest in, but people who are caring and accepting of you, it's a powerful thing.
If anything is "wrong" I don't think it's the whole "people aren't having sex" problem. I think it's that people are too isolated from other people. To the point they believe that the solution is to find one person and hold them captive to be your only emotionally valid contact. I believe in fact that there are forces at work in the leadership of at least America, that desire for people to be divided, to be suspicious of their neighbors and not to join communities, to "hate people" and to stay isolated, staring at screens, eating up BS that can be fed to them. The more you do it, the more fearful, angry, isolated, you become. After all, no one will stand up for their own best interests if we're all huddling alone in the dark.
It’s not necassarily just sex but lack of physical intimacy that’s crushing.
Just hugging/cuddling for a few minutes with a women I care for feels amazing..I think that’s what I was hooked on the most and miss..
It’s not necassarily just sex but lack of physical intimacy that’s crushing.
Just hugging/cuddling for a few minutes with a women I care for feels amazing..I think that’s what I was hooked on the most and miss..
Question: In order for this to be fulfilling, does it have to come from a woman who is yours, as in, is there a requirement for there to be a committed 1-1 relationship there? Or could you imagine getting that kind of physical intimacy from someone you were not having sex with, not in a relationship, and not TRYING to be in a relationship with?
Just wondering. Because (yes, I know, it's tiresome as hell I always go there, sorry) that's another one of those things we toss out the rules on in my social community. Lots and lots of physical (non-sexual) affection between friends there. Many hands massages and snuggle piles are quite common.
Question: In order for this to be fulfilling, does it have to come from a woman who is yours, as in, is there a requirement for there to be a committed 1-1 relationship there? Or could you imagine getting that kind of physical intimacy from someone you were not having sex with, not in a relationship, and not TRYING to be in a relationship with?
Just wondering. Because (yes, I know, it's tiresome as hell I always go there, sorry) that's another one of those things we toss out the rules on in my social community. Lots and lots of physical (non-sexual) affection between friends there. Many hands massages and snuggle piles are quite common.
Feelings for her definitely enhanced it..I’d at least have to know the person joining a group to cuddle with strangers wouldn’t be my thing.
Feelings for her definitely enhanced it..I’d at least have to no the person joining a group to cuddle with strangers wouldn’t be my thing.
Right but if they were not strangers, they were people you had spent time with socially many times and you felt comfortable around them, but not like deeply bonded, "do anything for you" type super-close... ?
I'm just curious about differing mindsets on this sort of thing.
Like I happen to think that finding or making ways to get needs met outside of the demand and requirement for the traditional committed relationship paradigm is a good thing. Yet I know so many people who recoil from creative efforts to do things differently, and insist that such things should only come from a Relationship, even as they sort of starve their hearts out for it.
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