Hi All! New Here, and needing to vent - I'm overwhelmed, and feeling like I need a kick in the ass. Advance warning: LONG STORY. Full of DRAMA. How I became the other woman...
I met my SO (we'll call him BJ) in August 2017. I'd seen him on the train a couple days in a row and on the 2nd day he wrote me a note: "I let you get away yesterday. Not today. You are beautiful!" He wrote his name and number. I was flattered and thought it was adorable, but I also was not single at the time. By lunch-time I just couldn't stop thinking about this note he'd written me, I honestly felt like a teenage girl. Eventually I picked up the phone and texted him - I'd told him that I wasn't available, but that his note made my day and I was really flattered. We texted for a few days, mostly innocent, until I finally told him that I couldn't talk to him anymore because what I was doing was wrong. "Maybe in another life," I said. I blocked him. My ex and I were having issues, but we were trying to work them out and I felt guilty.
Fast forward to November, things with my ex were not getting much better. Then he got physical with me after a night out at my jobs holiday party and I ended things. In a months time I'd reached out to BJ. He'd crossed my mind often since that day on the train, and I never saved his number but I remembered that I'd sent a photo of the note to a friend. Sure enough, I found the photo. The first text I sent him was something to the effect of "Must be another life..."
It was very soon after breaking up with my ex to be jumping into something else (we were together off and on for about a year and a half. But it was also a very fragile time in my life. My grandmothers health was declining, I was in the midst of really serious legal issues, I was very stressed out as i was working full-time at a new job and going to school, and was a little fearful as my ex was doing some really crazy things. Showing up at my apartment un-invited, hacking into my bank accounts and phone records, trying to get into my apartment after I changed the locks. It was just a really crazy time in my life and I think I clung to BJ like a magnet, whereas under other circumstances I would have taken things much slower.
Anyways we spend a lot of time together in November and December, and towards the end of January we made it official. I don't know that I'd say it was love at first sight, but it was very close. I should note that the relationship was somewhat long-distance. We lived fairly close to each other but in two different states.
As I got to know BJ I learned that he was divorced and had two children. I was fine with that. While I did not/do not have children, I was/am divorced. Pretty early on I noticed a couple of things. I'd never been to his home, he always came to me. He never stayed the night. And he texted more often than he called. I know. Red flag central. But while I noticed these things they weren't unreasonable. He's very traditional and is able to ride the train for free, so I always assumed him coming to me as being a gentleman so I didn't have to travel, and saving me the train expense. As far as I knew he was a single father, so not staying the night was reasonable too. And the second I told him I didn't like that we texted so much, he started calling more. But even the lack of calls wasn't unreasonable. He works 60 hours a week on average, sometimes more, and is technically not allowed to have his phone on the clock. Soon he introduced me to his mom. Mission red flag aborted.
Well short story long, a series of unfortunate events has occurred since that time...
a few months into us dating, he tells me (via text message) that he has something to confess to me. He then proceeds to tell me that he does not have 2 children, that he in fact has a 3rd child who is 1, and has just found out that his ex wife is pregnant with their 4th child. That they'd tried to work things out just before he met me and had a slip up. According to him she'd been hiding the fact that she was pregnant until then. I was baffled and devastated. I was pissed that he lied but I respected the fact that he came clean to me on his own. I mentioned before that my ex had hacked my phone records. Doing that he found out that I'd been talking a lot with BJ, and even somehow found out his first and last name. He confronted me (after we'd broken up) asking me "who is BJ to you?" I lied and told my ex that he was no one, that I was just using him for xyz, that he had two kids and that was way too much for me to be serious about him. I didn't mean any of these things but I said anything and everything I could to my ex to appease him because I didn't want him to start acting crazy again. Well, my ex ended up screenshotting the text messages I sent about BJ, and sent them TO BJ. When I asked BJ why he lied to me about the 3rd child he said he was scared to tell me because that he thought I may have meant all of the mean things I said in the texts to my ex. And as far as the baby on the way, that news was upsetting but nothing I could fault him for. I forgave him and told him no more lies. He promised he would be honest moving forward.
by March we were great and I made the move to his state. I needed a change. I'd be closer to him, I had to move out of my apartment anyway, and I would be really close to my Dad. Win win win all around. He came to help me pack up and drive a Uhaul down, I moved into my new apartment was excited to be there
On the train one day he handed me his phone to search something on youtube. When I started typing his search history came up and I saw "I'm married but I'm in love with another woman." I confronted him and asked if he was still married. He laughed, as if I'd asked him the craziest question ever. "Why would you ask me that?" I said OK and let it go.
In May his Mom called and said that his ex-wife had called her. Somehow she'd gotten into his bank account and saw that he'd booked a trip for my birthday. That she had a lot to say about me, that I was using him for what I could get from him etc., and one of the things she said was "She doesn't even claim him on social media." He wasn't upset, he laughed, but I felt bad about it still. I barely use my social media, I told him there wasn't a reason that I don't "claim him," it's just that I don't use it. That same day we made it "Facebook Official" LOL.
Not a week later a get a message from a woman saying that I seem like a good person and she wanted me to know that BJ is not a loyal or honest man. She said that if i wanted she would leave me alone, but that if I wanted information about him she would tell me. I told her I wanted the information and MAN. She sent screenshot after screenshot. He was texting her, telling her he was thinking about her, he sent her photos (some half naked), she asked him if he was enjoying the single life and he replied "no difference, still working like crazy." Then when she saw that he was in a relationship with someone a few days later she confronted him. He told her that my fb account had been hacked: "she said it wasn't her, she can't even log in." He lied about texting her until I showed him the screenshots. Then he came clean saying she was crazy and he was just trying to appease her and all this stuff. I didn't really believe him but I did believe he was sorry and wouldn't do it again so I forgave him.
In June we went to Miami for my bday with his brother and had a real blast, they made my birthday really special. I thought it was odd that his brother came with us. But when I asked about it he told me that his gf was supposed to come but couldn't make it because of something that came up at work.
Sitting in the airport on a layover, I open my FB messages and see that someone I didn't know had messaged me about a week prior. I opened the message. "I hope you're having fun with my husband." A photo of him with his arm around his pregnant wife at his brothers birthday party. He was married. I helped shop for his brothers birthday gift. I was a little disappointed he didn't ask me to go. I asked him why afterwards, he said "oh I just didn't think about it." Now I knew why. I confronted him and he lied about it at first. Said he wasn't married. Then I threatened to go pull public records and he came clean.
He told me that they had decided to divorce months ago, that she was lying, that she knew he'd been dating me and was OK with it. Which made sense because their two oldest children had been to my home, even spent the night before.
He told me that they hadn't been living together all this time. He was at my apartment most of the time. He would tell me that the reason I'd never been to his house is because he had family staying there, no privacy. How could I have been so stupid??
Later I'd found out that he'd told more lies. That they'd been living together the entire time, that he knew about the baby on the way long before he told me. He told me she would disappear and not take care of their children, that she'd stolen money from him, that she won't work. All of these things he cited as reasons they were getting divorced and I was convinced they were all lies.
So I broke it off. I tried to be strong. Then he filed for divorce and months later he had wiggled himself back into my life. I love this man. So I decided to forgive and try to move forward. Not to mention that his wife (ugh) had now given birth by this time and even is cordial and we coordinate to pick up and drop off the kids on weekends. He pretty much stays here, and she stays in their home taking care of the children.
Since then I have caught him texting multiple women on two occasions. Sending inappropriate photos, making plans to spend time with them, telling them he wants to have sex with them. I mean complete craziness.
Every time these things happen I swear to myself that I'm done. Then I put him out and when he's gone I feel like I can't live without him. I mean what the hell is wrong with me? I know I deserve better and I know I should not have put up with even half of his ****. But I love him. Insanely. I can't let go and he always wiggles himself back in. Promising he'll change. I want to believe he will. I want to believe he'll stop with the lies and the deceit. But I know that's naive. I've put him out this time, again. Sent him home to his wife. But I already feel myself wanting to give in and give him yet another chance. WHAT. IS. WRONG WITH ME.
HELP.
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