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My boyfriend moved into my place after a year of dating. Initially it was going to be a trial period, but it became pretty clear right from the start there was no real "trial" period as everything moved so fast.
When we met, he had a great job. He has a degree in finance but was working in sales, living in an expensive metropolitan city with a roommate. My boyfriend was laid off due to a downturn in the economy, and he decided to change careers. He took a 10 week coding bootcamp to learn web development, and he was top of his class.
His roommate was moving and my boyfriend couldn't stay in the apartment alone, so agreed he could move in with me for a bit until he could find a job and get back on his feet, but if it was going well he could stay.
Fast forward 9 months into him moving in, he is still unemployed and our relationship isn't doing so hot. He isn't working on developing code for his portfolio, so he has nothing to show recruiters or put on a resume. I told him he needed to find a job, but it doesn't seem like he's trying hard enough. When I was unemployed, I literally spent hours every day applying to new jobs. I figured maybe he could use some help, so I helped him and he actually got to a second interview with a company, but the job was located in a different state!!?!!??!! (Why would he apply there?).
Anyway, this is literally just the tip of the iceberg. Our communication is so crap. I feel like I can't be open with him. If I try to tell him something that he does that is bothering me, he goes on the defense and tries to spin the conversation on me. I understand that maybe I do things to upset him, but it really feels like he does this as a tactic to deflect the spotlight from being on him.
We usually sleep in separate rooms. In fact, I enjoy sleeping alone. I have no desire to kiss him, hug him, not be intimate or have sex with him. He exaggerates a lot, and admits to white lies. He thinks lying is better than telling the truth if it's going to hurt someone's feelings. I do not agree with this at all btw.
Also, I don't know anything about his finances. Even though he has been unemployed for 1.5 years, he still manages to pay rent, groceries, and buy himself new game consoles and afford large purchases that I can't even afford with a full time job and a decent salary.
I'm beginning to tell myself on a daily basis "I don't think this relationship will last." It seems like a very shallow relationship where we just go through the motions. I'm just wondering, though, does this stuff really get better with counseling?? We tried counseling but it was a HORRIBLE experience and I left there shaking in anxiety. My boyfriend also felt uncomfortable. The counselor basically berated me the entire session for not having sex with my boyfriend and telling me if I don't he'll go find someone who will. I'm sure instilling fear into her patients is her best trait. I also told my boyfriend I don't want to be in a relationship where we are always in counseling....
I wake up every morning with a bad headache. I hit myself over the head with a hammer for a half hour every night before bed.
Should I stop doing that?
BTW, this is the second time a new poster has said "The counselor basically berated me the entire session for not having sex with my boyfriend and telling me if I don't he'll go find someone who will."
Doubt if this actually happens so proceed with giving replies if you want to this 'new' poster.
Story has timeline issues - you've been together for a year and 9 months (1 year of dating before move-in, and 9 months since move-in) and he's been unemployed for a year and a half? He was only employed the first 3 months of your relationship?
I wake up every morning with a bad headache. I hit myself over the head with a hammer for a half hour every night before bed.
Should I stop doing that?
BTW, this is the second time a new poster has said "The counselor basically berated me the entire session for not having sex with my boyfriend and telling me if I don't he'll go find someone who will." Doubt if this actually happens so proceed with giving replies if you want to this 'new' poster.
This 100% happened. Yes, I may be a new user and this is my new post, but I am a real human behind this screen and this truthfully happened to me. If other people are saying it happened to them too, then it probably has.
Sorry I don’t buy his BS and you should see right through this huxster/ BSer.
I also have a degree in Finance but I actually work in the field. Your BF is likely lazy and a bit of a con artist (hence the sales). Nobody gets a job in “tech” simply by going to a 10 week coding boot camp. If I were you I would drop kick him to the curb and move on to someone a bit more “real”.
Story has timeline issues - you've been together for a year and 9 months (1 year of dating before move-in, and 9 months since move-in) and he's been unemployed for a year and a half? He was only employed the first 3 months of your relationship?
Sorry, I was just rounding up to 1.5 years. He has been unemployed for 1 year and 3 months to be exact.
He had a job for 7 months at the beginning of our relationship before he was laid off. I obviously knew him longer than 7 months though, as we were friends before dating.
It sounds like you already know this and are asking for permission here. You aren't in a relationship with this young man any more. He is more a room mate who isn't meeting their obligations. This is one of the horrible consequences of today's mindset about the casualness of male/female relations. His moving in shouldn't even have been a consideration without real commitment. Learn from this mistake. I give you permission to end it here and now. Move on with your life. Be happy and let him find happiness. Stop enabling his co-dependent behaviors.
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