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How to do this correctly. Never pursue a woman who shows low or indifferent interest in you. Attraction comes from nature. Let nature do it's work. When you meet a woman for the first time, or someone you've known a while, always detect her interest level in you. Remember in grade school some girls would hang around you?These were the ones that liked you, had interest in you. Adult women still feel like little girls on the inside but now show interest more subtle. It's NATURAL for them to show interest in a man. They are DESIGNED by nature to do so. Each women showing interest in a different way. One girl in high school I noticed was frequently looking at me. We eventually got married.
That never happened for me. Through college girls mostly stayed away from me, with the exception of one case in early high school in which I was shot down quickly. After college women have been polite and friendly, and I've mistaken that for interest too many times. As a friend of mine put it (a friend who is a player, at that), my attitude and personality make women want to be friends with me. "Once they want to play pattycake with you, it's all over."
If a woman has given me the courtesy of humanizing me...
There.
You are human.
No need for anyone to humanize you; that starts from the internal assumption that you're dehumanized in their eyes until they show otherwise. That's an awful way to see yourself. (Aside: I'm aware of the irony some people will see in my telling someone else that they shouldn't see themselves in a negative light. At the very least my struggles with negative self-image let me recognize it when I see it.)
If someone is dehumanizing you, that is different, and those people don't deserve to be told the time of day.
No need for anyone to humanize you; that starts from the internal assumption that you're dehumanized in their eyes until they show otherwise. That's an awful way to see yourself. (Aside: I'm aware of the irony some people will see in my telling someone else that they shouldn't see themselves in a negative light. At the very least my struggles with negative self-image let me recognize it when I see it.)
If someone is dehumanizing you, that is different, and those people don't deserve to be told the time of day.
I agree that it speaks to how I see myself. However, part of how I see myself is based on how my gender is generally perceived. I have heard countless stories of men behaving like animals (everything from unwanted flirtation to assault and beyond.) I have heard these stories from virtually every woman I've known. So, when a woman is friendly, I see that as her taking a risk, and I cherish that and would never want to do anything to make her regret that decision.
I agree that it speaks to how I see myself. However, part of how I see myself is based on how my gender is generally perceived. I have heard countless stories of men behaving like animals (everything from unwanted flirtation to assault and beyond.) I have heard these stories from virtually every woman I've known. So, when a woman is friendly, I see that as her taking a risk, and I cherish that and would never want to do anything to make her regret that decision.
Ugh this is so off-putting.
Who decided you should be the representative of your entire gender? Why are you like this?
It's not right, it's not admirable, and it's not healthy. There has to be more to this story.
I take the approach that it would be presumptuous of me to think a woman is interested just because she's friendly. I don't believe I have a right to make contact just because I find her attractive.
So ... in other words ... a typical friendly human male. You want a trophy for NOT being an a-hole?
Quote:
Originally Posted by AfellowPerson
I have heard these stories from virtually every woman I've known. So, when a woman is friendly, I see that as her taking a risk, and I cherish that and would never want to do anything to make her regret that decision.
AT BEST your post is total virtue signaling, as Chow said. At worst, you are compensating for a coping mechanism you have engaged over the years for as-yet undetermined reasons.
More likely, this is a puppet post to engineer a discussion of white knighting. Either way, at the core it is insulting to women because you assume they cannot navigate social interactions if you don't modify your behavior on behalf of all men.
I mean, how is a woman going to know that's what you're doing anyway? Do you tell them?
Who decided you should be the representative of your entire gender? Why are you like this?
It's not right, it's not admirable, and it's not healthy. There has to be more to this story.
There's not an easy way to explain how or why this has happened. It was over the course of many years of observation and trial and error trying to find out how I fit into the world. Very consistently, the way my behavior was perceived was directly influenced by people's preconceptions of what men are capable of (or what is expected of men.) This isn't about being the representative of my gender, or even trying to change anyone's mind about men. I'm merely taking it into account when I'm making decisions out in the world.
I can kinda relate to this Op except I don’t pursue women to protect my own ego and insecurities not because I don’t want to bother them.
But like you I don’t ever see myself pursuing a women again. My only chance is if they start a convo with me first and make the first move which is never gonna happen.
Just be truthful with yourself as to what you want.
How do you know what other people's preconceptions are?
It sounds like you're making assumptions.
I agree that there's an element of assumption here. I'm basing my decisions on the knowledge I've gained over the years, and the observations I've made. I've been on this journey for almost twenty-five years, read literally hundreds of articles on the subject, listened to countless stories, and helped women heal from past traumas. What I have seen and heard is shockingly consistent.
I'm not claiming to be a mind-reader. I'm claiming to be erring on the side of caution, based on what has very consistently been shown to be the most common preconceptions regarding men's intentions and expected behavior
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