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I've always related to your posts but I particularly know exactly what you're talking about here. I think our brains are wired in a very similar way. This exact thing has happened to me before. Not in years, because my current friends all respect my path in life and would never try to push me in this way.
However, back in my party days I had a different group of friends. We all drank a lot and were always up in each other's business. There was a guy I worked with who I wanted to have sex with and did for a short time. I never liked him romantically but was maybe 10 percent open to the idea of it becoming something more and I did enjoy hanging out with him in a casual sense.
Well a few of my then-friends decided to begin teasing me about this guy, constantly calling him "my boyfriend" to annoy me... I told them to stop and they kept going and it really freaked me out. It got so annoying that I ended things with him because I didn't want to hear it anymore.
To be fair, I would've ended things eventually anyway. I just felt like their annoying teasing really quickened the process and made it feel impossible to keep having "casual" sex with him since literally everyone in the universe seemed to want us to be together.
I think there are two different things, what giving someone a chance really means, and what your friends are meaning when they say it to you. They're basically saying that it's not okay for you to be happy alone. That on some level, they are bothered or perhaps even threatened (subconsciously) by your strength and independence. You don't need someone, but they do. That makes people question themselves on some level.
I've experienced this discomfort people have with someone who walks a different path in life firsthand. Some people are really threatened by women who can do their own thing.
Jeez, I don't know how I would've reacted in that situation. I definitely think your third and fourth statements are spot on. I live in the South where getting married/having kids right out of high school is standard. My sexuality and mental status have been questioned several times. Especially by my family, who honestly, aren't super educated. I personally don't want to have to convince myself to like someone or let someone grow on me, because it's only for their benefit. People seem to think that because they find me attractive, I owe guys a shot. It's really weird. If I date someone, I want a strong foundation of genuine attraction and chemistry. It's cool to know, someone else feels this way.
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Originally Posted by chessimprov
If he's appropriately pursuing you enough and since you know you are not interested, just tell him directly that you only want to be platonic and nothing more. That way, you can both move on. No one is going to be perfect. It's more a matter of what you and the other person are willing to put up with really.
We've had several conversations about this. He's backed off for the most part in recent times. He's nowhere near like how he was before. Unfortunately my family loves him so he's technically not going anywhere either. I just take precautions to limit contact with him, much to their dislike. *Sigh* They'll get over it. Family always thinks they know what's best for you, but in truth, only you can decide that for yourself.
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Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke
I sure hope your "best friend" isn't doing this in front of the guy. It would be embarrassing for the guy and really puts him on the spot. That would kill any interest he might have had in you.
If she knows the guy, she'll say it in front of him. But if it's someone she doesn't know well, she'll whisper it to me. Sometimes I think she antagonizes them in an attempt to see if they're "good enough" which is unnecessary. We're going to have a conversation about it soon. I think sometimes when you've known people for so long (in our case, 15 yrs) they get comfortable enough to push certain boundaries, which isn't always cool.
For one thing, a whole ton of people just kind of believe as a basic mental framework, that there is a "right" way to be in life and that anyone who isn't doing whatever that is, must be wrong or deeply unhappy or in denial or lying if they say they're happy, or whatever.
And for another, I feel that our society is saturated with "Boy meets girl" and "Hero gets the girl" and "Princess gets her Prince Charming" stories to the point, we're just buried in them from a very young age. We are kind of force fed a narrative about what "Happily ever after" is supposed to be like and it inevitably involves a romantic coupling-up.
Yep to all of this... deep cultural programming. And it's not 100% bad, I mean romance is fun and good and a nice thing to have happen in your life. The funny thing is though, in all those romantic stories, the "hero" is usually really hot and someone the woman WANTS and that's the part people seem to be missing when they attempt to force/guilt someone into giving someone they aren't attracted to "a chance."
I will give a hot "hero(ine)" a chance if he/she comes along. No problem lol... But I'm not going to throw away my freedom and independence for someone I don't think is that great.
I think that the last part you're talking about, why other people try and push something into a romance or think that their single friend "needs" to find someone... It's partly true. But I think there's other stuff going on.
For one thing, a whole ton of people just kind of believe as a basic mental framework, that there is a "right" way to be in life and that anyone who isn't doing whatever that is, must be wrong or deeply unhappy or in denial or lying if they say they're happy, or whatever. Many people really seem to struggle with the notion that a successful life need not follow one set pattern to one particular destination (which is generally the one they believe in and pursue.) One person's happiness is another person's misery and only the individual gets to decide what that looks like, for them, and for no one else.
And for another, I feel that our society is saturated with "Boy meets girl" and "Hero gets the girl" and "Princess gets her Prince Charming" stories to the point, we're just buried in them from a very young age. We are kind of force fed a narrative about what "Happily ever after" is supposed to be like and it inevitably involves a romantic coupling-up. Love conquers all, and all that business. I recognize when I re-read one of my favorite stories, most of them involve a sub-plot of romance between main characters, and where there is tension and strife between them, I feel less great about the story, and when there is the resolution of that conflict and the achievement of their love-bonding, I feel happy and satisfied. I know where the story HAS to go. I've got a whole ton of books, mostly written by women, that feature a heroine meeting a man and they don't even like each other that much to begin with, but by the end, it's "Wuv...twue wuv." Of course this is all sub-plot to the otherwise fantastical goings-on of the storyline but somehow it lends it, I dunno, relatability or something?
So yeah, when we see people connecting, I think that there's a natural program that runs in our minds, that has been really trained into us by a lifetime of taking in the narratives we're given, where we want to see the story resolve in a "happily ever after" kind of way, and that tells us what that should look like. And then with one's friends, if they can somehow "help" it to happen, they get the joy of being able to stand there at your wedding one day and talk about how they can get a bit of credit for this whole miracle. It's silly, but it's...human, I guess.
My problem with this is how much people put relationships in a place of worship. Like there are no cons and it's all kittens and rainbows. What a lot of people don't like to acknowledge is that they fall in love with the idea of love, not the person. I think placing them on a pedestal can be particularly dangerous as well. As it can influence people to stay in volatile/toxic situations in the name of "love." Yes relationships can be wonderful if they are with the right people, but we have to be realistic. The fall out can be just as bad if not worse than the the wonderful feelings they can invoke. Most people don't get that fairy tail and some barely meet people that are compatible with them. Even then, there are ups and downs. At the end of the day, it is simply a personal choice. Whether someone is in a relationship, married, or single, neither should be regarded as higher than the other.
I think it depends on your area and cultural expectations. In a small town where people partner up young, often right out of high school, I've had my sexuality questioned or even assumed. Chronic singleness can be a professional detriment (they assume something is wrong with you..."You're not married? Why not?") even if it's unethical to consider things like that on a job interview. And I don't think these things go away after a certain age. There's a few older guys in my town who have always been single (one of whom who recently got a girlfriend, though)...there are whispers behind their backs about them.
Well yea, that's been my experience as I've gotten older. People care about their kids and 'generally' how you are doing.
It's funny, sometimes you forget just how drastically different people's experiences are in dating and romance when you reply to posts.
People just have completely different experiences and basically relate to that.
I was just trying to extend the analogy to pets. “You just lost your dog, give this other dog a chance” doesn’t quite fit the circumstances of “You’ve been single for a while, give this date a chance.”
True, but that's why I think your analogy illustrates it perfectly. "You've never had a dog. Try one." "...but I never said I wanted a dog?"
The funny thing is though, in all those romantic stories, the "hero" is usually really hot and someone the woman WANTS and that's the part people seem to be missing when they attempt to force/guilt someone into giving someone they aren't attracted to "a chance."
That's one trope. The other trope is a misfit or underdog who the woman doesn't want until the end of the movie when he triumphs and gets the girl...which is what the people may be having in mind more often, unconsciously. Many a friendzone has been endured because of that trope. I never thought about its effects going the other way, people putting pressure on women to "take a chance."
That's one trope. The other trope is a misfit or underdog who the woman doesn't want until the end of the movie when he triumphs and gets the girl...which is what the people may be having in mind more often, unconsciously. Many a friendzone has been endured because of that trope. I never thought about its effects going the other way, people putting pressure on women to "take a chance."
Yeah, it's not uncommon when you're out in public and you start chatting with an opposite sex stranger at a bar or pub and when your friends see you doing this and come up with a personal assessment of, "So, you get her digits?!"
It's automatically assumed by your friends that this occurred.
OP- Your sheer Act of posting here is the example of giving folks and their ideas a "chance". Hows that for Putting it simple and within context of the discussion. ?
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