1st Date: Women or Men pays for first date? (divorce, couple, partner)

[Jezku]

i prefer to pay my own way on a first date unless i've known the person asking long enough.
one date seriously 'lost it' when i suggested that; later i found out he had issues about his mother 'trying to control' how he spent his resources. i had to remind him i wasn't his mother.

[SeaOfGrass]

Originally Posted by mrxalleycat

On 1st Date...women or men pays for first date?

Who pays first?

What if it's two men or two women?

[SeaOfGrass]

Originally Posted by Jezku

i prefer to pay my own way on a first date unless i've known the person asking long enough.
one date seriously 'lost it' when i suggested that; later i found out he had issues about his mother 'trying to control' how he spent his resources. i had to remind him i wasn't his mother.

Something occurred to me after reading your post. Some people ALWAYS insist on paying, and that can be just about as annoying as someone who never pays. It feels very controlling.

[Bearsdad]

With one exception I always pay. I expect to going into it it is just how I am. BUT, if she criticizes what I order for the meal or gives me a lecture about a guy my age shouldn't eat like I do, or tells me I should start exercising, then I am probably going to say at the end of the meal, so what are we going to do? Do you want to split the bill or what? because if I have been criticized about my eating habits or exercising this is someone I will never go out with again.

It always amazes me when some health nut analyzes what I eat or tries to criticize my eating. I am a tall and slim guy I'm not in the least overweight. The best part is the ones who criticize my eating habits usually not the healthiest people. In my world you eat what you want and exercise as much as you want. Just don't try to change my eating habits or get me to exercise. I have a very physically demanding job and get enough exercise 10 to 12 hours a day. If I wanted to eat healthy I would.

[singaporelady]

Originally Posted by SwedishViking

Guy pays.
Doesn't matter who asked who out, who is more loaded etc. It's just how it's done, imo.
edit; ofc if she offers to pay I'll first decline but if she insists, then fine we can split before the charade gets rediculous.

I love your style !!

[That_One_Girl]

Originally Posted by MLSFan

Ugh, then how are you going to "pay" your own date meal? Order free bread and tap water? Or do you only go on dates if you don't pay? Do you want taxi/gas money to get back home as well?

Not too sure how "poor" someone is to be like this

I think you must have misunderstood something. I'd never expect anyone to pay for my meal or give me taxi money... I was speaking in favor of women paying for their own food so not sure what you're going on about here.

If I'm struggling for money, I avoid eating out, or I order something cheap. I've ordered tap water and a cheap appetizer many times at restaurants... sorry this is so shocking to you.

[That_One_Girl]

Originally Posted by ukrkoz

Hmmm... this country is so different with its obsession with restaurants and going out..


How about this.
Figure nice weather day and nice location. Can actually be very romantic, like some oriental garden, or nic epark, or shore line....
Take your date out for a walk in such place.

It's healthy.
it is not financially binding or showing that you are ready to ss money to her feet or that you are a cheapskate
Again, it can be very romantic
When people walk and enjoy scenery, they actually TALK, not dedicate there time to manners, ordering and consumption of nutrients..

I've done this many times. The problem is I get hungry often. I need to eat pretty regularly so almost all my dates that have started out non-food related ended up with us getting food later.

We're getting food at some point unless they only want to hang out with me for 20 minutes. lol

Originally Posted by LieslMet

Whether it's a date or a friend, the wording is critical, to indicate who pays.

"I'd love to take you on a date/out to lunch/dinner/a concert." <---The person inviting pays for both.

"I'd love to meet up and have dinner/lunch/enjoy a concert." <---Each person pays for themselves.

Yeah I think this really sums up the different perspectives people are having in this discussion. I've been on very few of the first variety of dates. Where someone asks me out and wants to treat me. It's happened for special anniversaries with lovers of mine, and things like prom way back in high school.

But for the most part, my love life has just been people hanging out casually. I've had very few relationships that began with someone asking me out on a formal date. It was always more friends I hung around with a lot that we gradually developed feelings for each other.

[K12144]

I'll not argue too much if a friend invites me out and insists on paying for it all (there was a time i would have; I really don't like other people paying for me, but I've been dressed down for doing so). But I expect and prefer to pay my own way. Why not? Gone are the days when it's almost assumed that the man is the only one getting anything out of the date, so of course he should pay for "the pleasure of her company." If she's not enjoying herself too, she'd do better for herself to stay home and wash her hair.

Originally Posted by ThisTown123

You know, it's amazing how something so simple as buying dinner for someone can be dissected in a thread like this. lol.

But I think the real reason here is to determine interest.

If she insists on paying her own, it may mean she is not interested in you. If she LETS you pay, then it could indicate interest.

Or, if she pays her own, it means she is interested in you and not your wallet.

If I wasn't interested in a man, I wouldn't be on a date with him.

I thought it was the trope that women will go out with you if not interested to get a free meal, not so they can pay for their own... y'all gotta make up your minds here.

Originally Posted by MLSFan

I get why women think "I'm employed and can pay for myself" but why do it halfway? Why not "I'm employed and can pay for both myself"?

Or is there some belief that there is a gender wage gap? In that case does that mean you think you will be reliant on a guy to make up that difference in wage gap every time you go out?

If someone is going to pay "half", just stuck it up and do the entire thing.

Because you don't "invite" someone to buy you dinner? Ooh, the things my mom would say about that. You're kind of missing the point here.

Originally Posted by SeaOfGrass

Lmao!!

So... why aren't you with this bartender?

(What am I, writing a rom-com? lol)

This could work...

Originally Posted by ukrkoz

Hmmm... this country is so different with its obsession with restaurants and going out..


How about this.
Figure nice weather day and nice location. Can actually be very romantic, like some oriental garden, or nic epark, or shore line....
Take your date out for a walk in such place.

It's healthy.
it is not financially binding or showing that you are ready to ss money to her feet or that you are a cheapskate
Again, it can be very romantic
When people walk and enjoy scenery, they actually TALK, not dedicate there time to manners, ordering and consumption of nutrients.
And it's out of beaten path....
Also, it's an excellent way to check on your date.
In an hour or so of such date, you WILL know much more about your date, than in hour in any restaurant, regardless of its rank. Then, next date is either null, or THEN you can consider how to show value to person you asking for a 2nd date, by inviting to a certain level of eatery. Oh, maybe taking (her) to a helicopter flight or something.
Life is not about restaurants, really. There are much better ways to learn a person and ones that expect only that specific way - I'd be not dating them to start with.

That's kind of the point, though. Just like going to the movies. You are out with the person, but don't have to worry so much about awkward silences.

A helicopter flight?? On a second date???

Originally Posted by SeaOfGrass

Yep, I think a big part of it is that I'm quite a bit older than the both of you. That's how things were done then and how I was raised. That's not even meant as an insult. It just means that, like most things, it's just evolved to things being done differently now.

EDIT: One thing I do like about that "tradition" of paying when you invite, it just provides a sense of warmth. The person is showing that they appreciate you, your company, and want to give something of themselves. It's just a nice gesture between two people. And, like I said, it can always be reciprocated.

But, it also means that if you don't have the money to pay for both, you don't go out. I've known a lot of people who were limited because "I want to go out with my friend(s) but I can't afford to pay for everyone" or "I want to have people over but I can't afford to buy all of the food myself." The thinking of the current generation is, what matters is that we're spending time together, not that we're doing something expensive or someone is paying for someone else. That provides a sense of warmth, too.

Originally Posted by Formerly Known As Twenty

Still other guys often had the attitude that women were just out on dates to "get a free meal" (those were usually one and done dates, by the way as that sort of attitude telegraphs itself early on and I don't have time for that sort of bitterness in my life) or that they were entitled to a good night kiss (and often more) if they paid for the date. Paying for at least half was my way of evening that particular playing field.
.

This. Which people tend to forget. It's not all just about "rawr we are independent."

I find, though, that often men complain when women want to pay for themselves, but they also complain when the woman wants them to pay. So what are we supposed to do, exactly?

Originally Posted by Bearsdad

With one exception I always pay. I expect to going into it it is just how I am. BUT, if she criticizes what I order for the meal or gives me a lecture about a guy my age shouldn't eat like I do, or tells me I should start exercising, then I am probably going to say at the end of the meal, so what are we going to do? Do you want to split the bill or what? because if I have been criticized about my eating habits or exercising this is someone I will never go out with again.

It always amazes me when some health nut analyzes what I eat or tries to criticize my eating. I am a tall and slim guy I'm not in the least overweight. The best part is the ones who criticize my eating habits usually not the healthiest people. In my world you eat what you want and exercise as much as you want. Just don't try to change my eating habits or get me to exercise. I have a very physically demanding job and get enough exercise 10 to 12 hours a day. If I wanted to eat healthy I would.

Maybe don't go out with people who are like this. You make it sound like it happens to you often, so there's clearly some personality trait you maybe need to weed out in these people.

(And no, you don't get to invite someone out and then insist they pay their own part only if you didn't enjoy the date. You're not paying for a service, you're spending time with another human being. And this is, yet again, precisely why women pay their own way-- so nobody gets butthurt about "but we didn't decide to get married tonight so I wasted my time.")

[onihC]

“Whoever asks pays” pretty much translates to “men pay most of the time” as men still nowadays continue to be the ones who do the work when it comes to dating. Denying this would be a bit silly.

When I have lived in Japan and a girl has asked me out I don’t feel entitled to a night of a free dinner and free entertainment. I am going out with her because I WANT TO, therefore, I am as happy to go out as she is so why leave it all to her? We are on this together so I will make sure I do my part to show I appreciate spending time together. If she paid for dinner, I will be thankful and when we walk down the street to get a dessert I will make sure I take care of it. Next date, same thing, I take care of whatever expense needs to be taken care of just like her. This is from the first date and on.

Originally Posted by That_One_Girl

I've never experienced this in my life... going out with friends it's always expected that we pay for ourselves. I don't deny your experiences though--just pointing out this can differ wildly depending on your culture and who you hang out with.

Yes, it has to do with culture. Doesn’t make it right or wrong, simply culturally different which I do see when it comes to dating in western culture compared to eastern culture.

The only time it would ever be expected for one person to pay for another is if they clearly offered to pay in advance or it was clear they were "taking you out" for a special treat or something

A birthday for example. I happily welcome such gesture.

I'd be shocked if a friend expected me to buy them dinner because I said "Hey want to go grab pizza together?"

That’s why it confuses me how its done in the west. “Guys ask out so they should pay” kind of thing. Even when I go out with friends to a sporting event for example, one of them might suggest going or even getting a ticket for me. That doesn’t make me feel entitled. In the game I would get up and bring beers to the guys in the group as we enjoy the event or whatever. It’s an attitude of being thankful, being happy to be considered for that event, etc. Can’t see myself crossing my arms expecting everything to be handed to me in a silver platter simply because someone else suggested the activity.

[onihC]

Originally Posted by Miss Ree

Yep, this is my rule too, though I always offer to split the bill.

What if they accept your offer to pay for what you ordered just like he paid for what he ordered?