Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisTown123
Yeah, had meant to address this, there's just some inconsistencies there. First your poly, then you're not, then it could shift again.
Quite contradictory, first you say polyamorists aren't into casual sex", but then follow that up with "even so". Then you throw out out the FWB, which is obviously casual sex. You just admitted it with the "even if so". So basically, "even if we DO have casual sex, it's at least FWB".
Kind of feel like a Hollywood detective here, "So which story are you going with?"
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It's weird, as much as you and I have talked, in PMs even, you know damn well the details of my life and situation, yet you continue to be...like this.
Do you really need me to spell it out for you?
I begin to see why you struggle with dating. If I were even considering someone and they acted all cool/friendly with me like you sometimes do, and then switched to this weird antagonism, I'd suddenly be way too busy to talk to them. You're coming off as confrontational, if you didn't see it.
I don't see poly as a solid, unchangeable thing, like gay or straight. For me, it is more of a thing I did for a while, and then found it was too much for my life, so I stopped. Yet I retain many of the ethics and things I picked up from books, forums, groups, and friends who identify as poly. If I had to "identify" as something though, I'm pretty vague about it. Monogamish? Polyflexible? I do what works. Right now, that is a committed relationship with one partner. We are planning our wedding. We don't have intercourse with other people. If the day ever comes when one of us feels some sort of compulsion to do so, we have an undertaking to discuss that before it happens, which we both think is a superior option to cheating. Yet both of us feel it's fairly unlikely. We are both very happy together, and don't want a future apart. No it has not been 100% problem free, but the rare issue that would sink most ships, has been but a ripple on the water for us.
I know you don't like it, it's obvious in your tone. You don't want it to work out for us, because you want some kind of confirmation that people should do what YOU think is right, in your world, and you want cosmic proof that people who break the rules you believe in, get their just desserts in misery and suffering, if not now, then later. We all have, to some degree, that kind of bias. I admit to feeling that way about my ex and other people I know.
Your whole "sometimes it's like this...but other times it's like that...which is it?" query is just ridiculous. Have we not talked enough for you to understand...? These people, the many I know, they, just like me, are doing whatever they think works for them under whatever terms they want. Just instead of assuming there is one set of rules and getting confused if it doesn't get followed unspoken, they write their own scripts and communicate expectations. And if things change, they change. You talk about that, too.
That's what I was just saying, when it comes to casual, what are we talking about?
No strings/one night stands?
"No feelings allowed" or FB or something?
Friends with benefits?
Relationships where people are committed to a closed agreement (even if there are 3 or 4 of them, they agree to not bring in more, this is called "polyfidelity") but it isn't intended to be a lifelong commitment, it's just for however long it lasts?
Short term relationships that everyone knows will end at some point?
All shades of "casual." In a sense.
And that was WHY this even enters into it. The OP is not happy with dehumanizing arrangements based too much on sex. She wants there to be AT MINIMUM, the kind of investment and consideration you would offer to a good friend. Plenty of polyamorists are doing that. Hell, some are married couples with a third partner that they consider to be an equal to the original relationship, they all live together and don't have sex or romance with anyone outside of that. It is what differentiates poly from swingers, the focus on RELATIONSHIPS or the focus on SEX.
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