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The whole thing about why buy a cow if you can get the milk for free? Women are not cows nor are our bodies a commodity. We are not sitting on a shelf waiting to be purchased by the highest bidder, flaunting our chastity belts hoping some guy will find us worthy of slapping a dog tag on us and calling himself our owner.
Getting carried away maybe. But its a personal decision for each woman. Marriage is only one option, there are alternative life choices. Some women must be committed, but not all. Its not one size fits all and we need not judge those who have made a different choice from our own.
Not saying all women feel this way. But a lot of women do. And I stand by my original comment that a lot of women fake the FWB thing thinking it will lead to a relationship.
I think it's better for both men and women, to get some sexual experience with other partners before being tied down in a marriage. Just my opinion. I hear people say their spouse is the only person they ever had sex with. I can't imagine that. I'm glad I waited longer to get married, and had a few partners before meeting my spouse. Also, I'm glad I got that sexual experience when I was young, attractive and men found me highly desirable. I'd hate to try and do "the scene" as a middle-aged divorcee.
Not saying all women feel this way. But a lot of women do. And I stand by my original comment that a lot of women fake the FWB thing thinking it will lead to a relationship.
That could very well be. Who can speak for everyone or why they do what they do? I only know why I do it, and that's because someone has to think about what I want. and that's "2 nights max, now you go home ok hunnybunnybutt?"
Not saying all women feel this way. But a lot of women do. And I stand by my original comment that a lot of women fake the FWB thing thinking it will lead to a relationship.
If there is good chemistry between two people it can happen, assuming both are honest. The woman is being a bit conniving and manipulative though if she thinks she can trick the guy into committing to her, by having sex with him. The guy can also be conniving, taking advantage of that fact. Thats getting into a stickier issue of strained gender relations and game playing.
In some cultures its quite normal for couples to be casual, meeting secretly for sex with no commitment recognized yet. Only after the girl gets pregnant or they decide they are really hitting it off do they come out of the closet and are recognized as a married couple now.
I just think something has gone askew with our current system (American). The idea women need to fenigel commitments out of men and men need to fenigel sex out of women. And either party resorts to trickery at times in what should be a natural process of two people forming a deep bond because they truly care about each other and are compatible.
True. My fiance and I did start out as reasonably casual.
It's not really disingenuous to say, "Right now, this is what I want" and later to change your mind due to developing feelings, not just your own, but what you are perceiving from a partner. Or changing priorities. It isn't tricking someone, to simply change your mind and become more open to other possibilities.
I'd say that if, as it is said here, women are plotting and scheming, like, "OK I will TELL him that I'm down for casual sex, but then I'll make him fall in love with me," or...something...? Like that seems like a plan that would backfire pretty hard, if the woman gets attached and the guy is like, "Um, I thought we were just FWB. So...no."
I don't really know women who deliberately try to game their way into committed relationships by offering up easy sex. I used to hear and experience more where guys would try to game their way into easy sex, by pretending to be in love or pretending to want a relationship...but I see less of that these days. Could just be the people I hang out with now, we do value honesty quite a lot.
The issue I've always had with this, is that I don't see why "casual" has to mean "no feelings." It's the same question I've got about why casual has to mean disrespect, or "discarding" someone or treating them like they don't matter.
I do not form lifelong committed relationships to every single person that I respect, like, love, care about, etc. I feel those things for lots of people. But I don't have room in my life to commit to all of them forever. Hell, I have a hard time believing in "forever" in practically any case. People drift apart, people die, things happen. But the number of people that I trust to, say, live in the same house with...that's a really, really small number. Just because I would not choose to do that with someone doesn't mean that I'm only using them or dehumanizing them, or don't care about them, or cannot love them.
Casual and respect are not mutually exclusive. Someone can choose to have a relationship centered around casual sex with no commitment discussed. That's nothing new -- that's been going on for generations. But the way a lot of guys go about today it is just disrespectful in my opinion. If a friend in your life only contacted you by text at 10pm when nothing else was going on, you might start to feel like they don't have much respect for you or are using you to make themselves feel good or whatever. You might tell them, "if you want to talk to me make a plan to get together." Why should that be any different with casual sex partners?
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Originally Posted by RbccL
I can tell you that not all are "hoping for more". There is no more at the time, we aren't all programmed for the picket fence and bumping elbows eating hot dish on tv trays. Or maybe our needs change. Just like a previous poster warning that one of the FWB "might get feelings" --Well hopefully they both do? So strange that this is seen as a danger. Having "feelings" is in no way synonymous with getting married or living in a trailer with matching tshirts or matching range rovers at the mc mansion, or matching anything other than the feeling of enjoying each others company.
I don't think anyone said all women are hoping for more. Lots of women (and men) are fine not having LTRs.
Casual and respect are not mutually exclusive. Someone can choose to have a relationship centered around casual sex with no commitment discussed. That's nothing new -- that's been going on for generations. But the way a lot of guys go about today it is just disrespectful in my opinion. If a friend in your life only contacted you by text at 10pm when nothing else was going on, you might start to feel like they don't have much respect for you or are using you to make themselves feel good or whatever. You might tell them, "if you want to talk to me make a plan to get together." Why should that be any different with casual sex partners?
I don't think anyone said all women are hoping for more. Lots of women (and men) are fine not having LTRs.
Of course there must be respect involved, and honesty. The casual relationship I had lasted for two years. We would text in between meetings. Nothing deep or heavy, just light banter. We got together every other weekend or so. We made plans in advance. Had conversations. Slept over. Showed interest in each others lives and respected each others feelings and space.
If I ever felt like he was treating me as an unpaid ***** Id have been out. We treated each other as good friends and we had sex. That was all our relationship was destined to be and it met both of our needs at the time.
I hope Im not hikacking this thread, but if I may, let me explain why the casual relationship worked for me. I had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship with a guy who was extremely jealous and controlling. He did things like go through my phone, hack my email, contact exes, interrigate me, to make sure I wasnt cheating. He tried to control what I wore, music I listened to, shows/movies I watched. I was sophocated, and he was also violent and abusive.
So the freedom of a noncommited relationship felt great. The casual guy didnt try to control me nor would he ever be abusive to me.
He also wasnt what I would have been looking for in a long term partner. He was a bit immature, not too ambitious, a stoner and a gamer. But he was cute, fun, and funny, and low maintenance.
He wasnt looking for anything serious either. Im sure ge thought the same of me, I was low maintenance, drama free, good company without strings.
But it can work when the stars and planets align thus. I liked him a whole lot but I didnt fool myself into thinking it was love or that I needed to fenigel a commitment out of him. Sure the oxytocin flowed but I didnt let it go to my head. I enjoyed it for what it was without overromanticizing or creating fantasies.
I dont regret it and would do it again if I could go back in time.
If there is good chemistry between two people it can happen, assuming both are honest. The woman is being a bit conniving and manipulative though if she thinks she can trick the guy into committing to her, by having sex with him. The guy can also be conniving, taking advantage of that fact. Thats getting into a stickier issue of strained gender relations and game playing.
Honestly. It sounds like too much high school bathroom talk.
Quote:
In some cultures its quite normal for couples to be casual, meeting secretly for sex with no commitment recognized yet.
I hope Im not hikacking this thread, but if I may, let me explain why the casual relationship worked for me. I had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship with a guy who was extremely jealous and controlling. He did things like go through my phone, hack my email, contact exes, interrigate me, to make sure I wasnt cheating. He tried to control what I wore, music I listened to, shows/movies I watched. I was sophocated, and he was also violent and abusive.
So the freedom of a noncommited relationship felt great. The casual guy didnt try to control me nor would he ever be abusive to me.
He also wasnt what I would have been looking for in a long term partner. He was a bit immature, not too ambitious, a stoner and a gamer. But he was cute, fun, and funny, and low maintenance.
He wasnt looking for anything serious either. Im sure ge thought the same of me, I was low maintenance, drama free, good company without strings.
But it can work when the stars and planets align thus. I liked him a whole lot but I didnt fool myself into thinking it was love or that I needed to fenigel a commitment out of him. Sure the oxytocin flowed but I didnt let it go to my head. I enjoyed it for what it was without overromanticizing or creating fantasies.
I dont regret it and would do it again if I could go back in time.
One thing that helps is not giving a hoot if family, society, religion or whatever thinks of your bedroom activities.
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