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The last time I had casual sex was 6 months ago with a guy who was just passing through and we had met up several times and had a great time, he stood me up with some poor excuse on the last time we arranged, I was literally cooking dinner for us when he rudely texted me 5 mins before he was meant to arrive with "I'm not coming". I sent him a text to wish him well and say it had been fun, as he was leaving the area the next day and got nothing back. No thanks, no acknowledgment of what we had shared together was fun or special. It obviously wasn't. I had shared intimate moments with him and was so gutted to be discarded with not even a goodbye. I cried and was sad for a few weeks. That was the moment I realised casual sex could not ever be for me, as my reaction seemed totally over the top but the fact was I had become bonded to this man through the sex and it was painful.
I can only speak for myself but the above would have been upsetting irregardless of the causality of the intimacy. It has more to do with the feelings associated with over-estimating my role in that person's life; whether a GF, FWB, or casual. I would considered it rude at the very least irregardless of the sex; don't need to have sex with a person to feel "used".
You met up several times and probably thought it was a growing/budding friendship/relationship.... At least for me, that would feel different from a one-night-stand with someone I just met at a bar. Even then, I wouldn't just leave... that's just wrong.
By the way, I agree with Sonic_Spork about being self aware. Despite having led a life that did involve casual sex with friends and having been in open relationships, I am well aware that casual sex with people I just met isn't for me. Its not that I haven't had casual sex with essentially strangers but I found it a bit "empty" for lack of a better way to describe it.
That's not been my experience in bed with men, at all. Most of the ones I've slept with have been concerned about that, maybe too attached to it in a way that can be quite endearing.
Am I the only one who has experienced that?
Maybe the men who visit prostitutes (i.e. the clients she sees) are selfish in bed.
Haven't been with any men in bed, so i can't speak for anyone else. But generally if the guy isn't a player, narcissist, or crazy person and cares about the woman, he'll show some concern that she finds it enjoyable or not.
LOL makes perfect sense right? When you go to a restaurant to eat, then pay the bill and tip the waitress, should the paying customer be concerned that the waitress enjoyed the meal as much as they did?
Is there something wrong with feelings? They do not prescribe any defined actions to me. I certainly have feelings for both my fwb and my f-buddy. And we all enjoy it quite a lot.
catches feelings in the sense that they want more than fwb. sorry if it wasn't clear.
Yes, I suppose there are some messed up people who lack empathy and such, the other persons feelings/enjoyment simply doesnt factor in. I hope this is rare though.
there's tons of messed up people.... i think the statistic is something like 1/2 of the population will have a mental disorder at some point in their life. Something like 15% of americans have a severe personality disorder. And some of them, like BPD and narcissism can put on a good show and appear normal until you really get to know them/develop a relationship with them..
True. My fiance and I did start out as reasonably casual.
It's not really disingenuous to say, "Right now, this is what I want" and later to change your mind due to developing feelings, not just your own, but what you are perceiving from a partner. Or changing priorities. It isn't tricking someone, to simply change your mind and become more open to other possibilities.
I'd say that if, as it is said here, women are plotting and scheming, like, "OK I will TELL him that I'm down for casual sex, but then I'll make him fall in love with me," or...something...? Like that seems like a plan that would backfire pretty hard, if the woman gets attached and the guy is like, "Um, I thought we were just FWB. So...no."
I don't really know women who deliberately try to game their way into committed relationships by offering up easy sex. I used to hear and experience more where guys would try to game their way into easy sex, by pretending to be in love or pretending to want a relationship...but I see less of that these days. Could just be the people I hang out with now, we do value honesty quite a lot.
I don't necessarily think women are plotting from the beginning to trick someone into a relationship with sex. I think they think they can have sex without attachment and get attached and then hope the guy commits. Sex changes things. Have you ever seen When Harry Met Sally? They sleep together when they are friends and he tries to act like nothing happened and continue being friends and she gets mad because he acts like it meant nothing. It's a very well written scene. Although probably in most cases, the woman would spend a long time asking her friends 'what do you think this means when he does this or that?' and not get mad like Sally did.
Casual and respect are not mutually exclusive. Someone can choose to have a relationship centered around casual sex with no commitment discussed. That's nothing new -- that's been going on for generations. But the way a lot of guys go about today it is just disrespectful in my opinion. If a friend in your life only contacted you by text at 10pm when nothing else was going on, you might start to feel like they don't have much respect for you or are using you to make themselves feel good or whatever. You might tell them, "if you want to talk to me make a plan to get together." Why should that be any different with casual sex partners?
I don't think anyone said all women are hoping for more. Lots of women (and men) are fine not having LTRs.
And my point is the reason they do this is because women let them.
I don't necessarily think women are plotting from the beginning to trick someone into a relationship with sex. I think they think they can have sex without attachment and get attached and then hope the guy commits. Sex changes things. Have you ever seen When Harry Met Sally? They sleep together when they are friends and he tries to act like nothing happened and continue being friends and she gets mad because he acts like it meant nothing. It's a very well written scene. Although probably in most cases, the woman would spend a long time asking her friends 'what do you think this means when he does this or that?' and not get mad like Sally did.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grlzrl
And my point is the reason they do this is because women let them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel
I don't think anyone said all women are hoping for more. Lots of women (and men) are fine not having LTRs.
I wonder why you keep turning this back on thinking women can’t really be happy with this?
That’s the culmination when the attitude is presented in different paraphrasing of the same response. It’s not necessary to point out that men are fine with casual sex, it seems to be a given. Indicating some significant amount of women are fine with that seems to require more convincing.
This is only my objective observation, not critical of that at all, just wondering if you (and others with the same leaning) may be projecting a little.
If we’re going back to When Harry Met Sally, we may as well go back to the warning in Looking for Mr.Goodbar.
I’m actually pleased that a noticeable amount of responses here are from women “telling it like is” for -them- knowing full well how this usually brings out the ol’ cow and milk so pig and sausage trope. Tripe. People should be able to accept that not everyone else is settling just because they don’t want the same things out of a relationship or non-relationship. Agree?
Last edited by RbccL; 08-08-2019 at 07:34 AM..
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