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So a little background about me and my bf. He is 30 and I'm 31. We are not officially living together as I own a house with my sister and I decided to go back to school to continue my education. I will be in the nursing program in 4 months and renting an apartment with a bf is going to be too expensive for me. Nursing school is tough and I won't be able to work full time to afford to rent an apartment with my bf since I'm still paying for a mortgage with my sister. However, we spend most times at his place. It actually feels like we are living together! I'm at his place almost 5 days a week.
Anyway, this morning, me and my boyfriend went to a store and upon check out the cashier wished us a lifetime of happy marriage. It was so random! We just laughed about it. On the drive home, I asked my bf, jokingly, how come he hasn't proposed after all these years. He said we need to be living together first before he knows he is sure about me! He said he wanted to know how I am around the house and stuff, if i'll clean after myself etc. I'm not rushing to get married or anything. I have a lot of plans for myself and I enjoy where I'm at right now. But I was so shocked about my bf's response regarding my question. I'm worried that in span of 5 years he is still not sure about me!!! And we are together almost everyday! I'm pretty sure he knows how I am around his apartment.. Am I over thinking or am I being reasonable? I pretty much just stayed quiet in the car because I didn't know what to say......
I don't know what to tell him. What would you guys do in this situation?
That's a vague response. He's lying, if he isn't sure why is he with you then? It smells MORE like an excuse NOT to propose to you. Maybe he doesn't think that you two will end up together, so he just wants the title to be bf/gf so he can easily break up one day without all the papers involved with being married etc.
He is living for the now, and not the future. He sounds like the limbo-type. He likes how comfortable being gf/bf is, and how less responsibility there is to it, and how "free" it feels.
The question is more: Will he change when you guys move in or will the answer still be the same, but with another excuse when you two live together?
Yes, you should be worried. 5 years is a long time. It's enough time to figure a relationship out.
I think it’s conventional wisdom to co-habitate before getting married. It’s different when you live together.
You seem to be contradicting yourself. First you say “5 years and no proposal.....” which sounds like you are longing for one. But then you say “I'm not rushing to get married or anything. I have a lot of plans for myself and I enjoy where I'm at right now.” And then you say “I'm worried that in span of 5 years he is still not sure about me!!!”
I’m sure he does know you well and you have lots of plans with no rush to get married for, I’m assuming, about two to four more years yet. If you were married, where would you live? How many more years is on your mortgage? I think he is thinking practically and it doesn’t reflect on him loving you any less or not thinking highly of you. Living together is a whole other world and an important aspect to be sure you are compatible in. Spending 60% of the week there is not the same.
So a little background about me and my bf. He is 30 and I'm 31. We are not officially living together as I own a house with my sister and I decided to go back to school to continue my education. I will be in the nursing program in 4 months and renting an apartment with a bf is going to be too expensive for me. Nursing school is tough and I won't be able to work full time to afford to rent an apartment with my bf since I'm still paying for a mortgage with my sister. However, we spend most times at his place. It actually feels like we are living together! I'm at his place almost 5 days a week.
Anyway, this morning, me and my boyfriend went to a store and upon check out the cashier wished us a lifetime of happy marriage. It was so random! We just laughed about it. On the drive home, I asked my bf, jokingly, how come he hasn't proposed after all these years. He said we need to be living together first before he knows he is sure about me! He said he wanted to know how I am around the house and stuff, if i'll clean after myself etc. I'm not rushing to get married or anything. I have a lot of plans for myself and I enjoy where I'm at right now. But I was so shocked about my bf's response regarding my question. I'm worried that in span of 5 years he is still not sure about me!!! And we are together almost everyday! I'm pretty sure he knows how I am around his apartment.. Am I over thinking or am I being reasonable? I pretty much just stayed quiet in the car because I didn't know what to say......
I don't know what to tell him. What would you guys do in this situation?
I read your first sentence and will answer you.
He doesn’t want to get married to you. After 2 years there should have been plans for that.
It does not take 5 years for a man to figure out whether you are marriage material for him. If you want him to marry you, you probably should be concerned. Communicate. Let him know what you want.
Agreed with everyone else. It doesn't take five years to see if someone is the right one or not nor does it take living together. If he is observant and perceptive (as a good husband should be) then he will notice all he needs to know observing you in public, at events, eating out, and at family gatherings. He has taken five years because he is happy with where things are now. He has no need or desire to take things further. I think that would give ME something to be worried about after five years... Just saying...
So a little background about me and my bf. He is 30 and I'm 31. We are not officially living together as I own a house with my sister and I decided to go back to school to continue my education. I will be in the nursing program in 4 months and renting an apartment with a bf is going to be too expensive for me. Nursing school is tough and I won't be able to work full time to afford to rent an apartment with my bf since I'm still paying for a mortgage with my sister. However, we spend most times at his place. It actually feels like we are living together! I'm at his place almost 5 days a week.
Anyway, this morning, me and my boyfriend went to a store and upon check out the cashier wished us a lifetime of happy marriage. It was so random! We just laughed about it. On the drive home, I asked my bf, jokingly, how come he hasn't proposed after all these years. He said we need to be living together first before he knows he is sure about me! He said he wanted to know how I am around the house and stuff, if i'll clean after myself etc. I'm not rushing to get married or anything. I have a lot of plans for myself and I enjoy where I'm at right now. But I was so shocked about my bf's response regarding my question. I'm worried that in span of 5 years he is still not sure about me!!! And we are together almost everyday! I'm pretty sure he knows how I am around his apartment.. Am I over thinking or am I being reasonable? I pretty much just stayed quiet in the car because I didn't know what to say......
I don't know what to tell him. What would you guys do in this situation?
Given that you are 31 and have been in a relationship for five years, what is the goal? Have you two discussed your thoughts about marriage and having a family. Even if you are not in a rush, you two should be on the same page about timing.
If he feels strongly about living together and you are okay with that, why can't you move in for a period of time without paying rent?
My daughter was in a similar situation (less than five years relationship) and she and her boyfriend discussed everything including where the relationship is headed and that they would make a decision about continuing the relationship after one year of living together. . She and he both envision marriage and the plan is engagement after one year. She told me most probably she would move out and end the relationship if engagement was not forthcoming. He assured her he didn't have any concerns about her personally but needed the reassurance that they were compatible in every way including lifestyle. So far so good.
This may not fit your timeline but if marriage and possibly having a family is your intention, you and your boyfriend should be having these conversations at this point IMO.
Last edited by Maddie104; 09-16-2019 at 08:23 AM..
You are 31 years old and cannot afford to split an apartment with someone. Unless you are looking to be a housewife who is supported by her husband, and your boyfriend is looking to and able to support a housewife, you're not ready to get married.
He just told you that he has no plans to marry you. If finding that special person and getting married is anywhere in your future plans know he is not the one. As hurtful as it may be, it's better to know where you stand now than in five years when he does get married....to someone else.
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