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I've never gotten those sorts of signals from anyone at a party, bar, event, etc. I've read things like this before but I've never experienced them. For the last couple of years I've just tried finding a way to talk to people, all kinds of people, in any setting. Just to talk and try to sharpen my social skills. But I've never gotten "permissive" body language from across the room.
Yeah, and I'd be surprised if you and I will EVER. This only happens in the movies.
If a man is attracted to a woman, his brain (or his other organ) will concoct the scenario that she is interested in him.
Ever notice as a guy (lets say in your 20s/30s) that the cute girl at the counter who is really friendly is trying to throw signals at you.
But you never think that about the 75 year old little Asian lady who is equally friendly.
And there's a reason...
On another note, the longer you wait to play the game, the longer it's going to take you to figure out what it is that you want and where you should be, and the further behind you will be.
At least, that is my opinion.
Granted, nothing is easy for guys like OP, I agree with that. But some guys make these same posts for years, or even a decade, and time wastes away...
It's funny, for the longest time I had no idea what that phrase meant. I was thinking of some barely legal spazzed out ADHD suffering cosplay girl with maybe a short (pixie?) haircut. Like is that a thing? The kind of girl that anime fans like maybe? Err...I dunno?
Then one day I was in here talking about how in fact my favorite romantic stories, usually told from the female main character's POV, are those where she finds herself in some situation, thrown into company with a man who is maybe awkward, the two seem nearly hostile to each other at first, but she discovers during the course of the story that he is in fact only misunderstood, and helps him discover the greatness that was in his heart all along. (I used "Beauty & The Beast" as my example because it's well known, but in fact one of my favorite standalone books, "Heart's Blood" by Juliet Marillier follows this trope as well.) And boy-o! We had a regular poster, one I often cross words with, just jump all over my crap about it. Told me that was the Manic Pixie Dream Girl archetype and that had been invented as a comforting fiction for lonely, struggling men. He seemed pretty mad about it.
I...OK...Um... I don't think of myself as very "manic" or much of a "pixie" but I do like being the extrovert who discovers cool introverts and coaxes them out of their shells and lifts them up. I like being the one to see that special something, in the shy, socially awkward guy who rarely opens up to anyone. I like nerdy, geeky men. Can I be a chill, goth dream woman instead?
That. That would be a start at least. And who knows after that? In my adolescence I thought of dating as pre-marriage. Now...seems to me dating is a context to get to know someone to see if there’s deeper attraction, at least in the early goings.
Correct. Shows you ARE learning how to date. A date is simply a place+time to meet. When you meet someone YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR A MARRIAGE PARTNER. Or a relationship. Or a girlfriend. You are just getting to know about each other. But even that's not the MAIN reason for a date. And this what you never knew about dating.
The main purpose of a date is not to get to know all about someone (details) but to relax, have fun, and see if romantic vibe can be created between each other, even just a hint.
So what you thought dating was for before, forget that. Its to relax, have fun, create a romantic vibe if things are going good.
So let's go over this in detail so you know how to date from here on:
1. relax: this is easy, pick a place that allows for relaxing. Like a cozy coffee shop. Not a movie. Not a concert.
2. have fun: early dating is meeting to talk so have fun talking. Don't ask interview-type questions. Don't talk politics or religion. Talk about fun things to do, like when you went a fun trip. Ask her what she likes to do for fun. Find common interests. Keep the talk a fun banter, not a serious tone. You want to make her feel comnfortable that talking will be relaxing and fun. Have you ever hung around some friends just hanging out and just had fun? That's what you want her to feel.
3. romance: as you get to know each other, engage in a way that is open to romantic feelings from each other. Think of this as a close 'vibe' you want to happen naturally. You can compliment her looks, but do it poetically, not bluntly. At the right time you can say something like "I am enjoying being with you, this feels right to me right now, How are you feeling?". You want to get into a zone where you two are talking more intimately, and she is looking at you for longer time period. When that happens you can kiss her.
So now you know that's all dating is. It's NOT to find a relationship, a girlfriend, a marriage partner. All that is too stressful. But say you want to find a marriage partner? Well you can tell her that's what you're ultimately looking for, but only at the right time, right woman. Do NOT ask her to be anything to you. If you date her for relaxing, fun, and romance, you are doing the right thing. And THAT'S ALL you need to do. She will want that, and more of it. You are putting no pressure on her to 1. make you happy 2. require her to do or be anything for you. If you do that over time, then she may decide on her own mind to want to turn you into her boyfriend, or even a marriage partner. Let it be her idea, not yours.
So here's dating summed up. It's much easier then you thought. It's simply 1.2.3: 1 relaxing, 2 fun, and 3 romantic. That's ALL you have to do in dating. it's your job to provide the place+time to meet for 1.2.3. to happen. This IS a dating skill to get better by doing it. This let's HER, not you, to decide over time if it turns into a long term thing of some sort.
I'd guess he's looking for a Manic Pixie Dream Girl.
I did some reading on this. As far as I understand it, a Manic Pixie Dream Girl has a unique insight into and appreciation of a brooding, lonely male protagonist, and coaxes him out of his shell to live a fuller, more complete life. I think everyone wants to be understood and appreciated, but I'm not looking for someone to teach me to lead a better life.
Once upon a time, you would have been exactly right. I sat stagnant for a long time hoping a girl would notice me and come change my life. I did that for years. There's a lot of things I didn't do because I was waiting on someone to do them with. I know Sonic has told the story of her ex not wanting to watch movies or TV because "he doesn't have anything to do them with." I understand that completely, it's how I (didn't) live for years. I finally got tired of of not living and realized that I was in charge of my own life...I could improve it myself. The old Gandhi quote, "Be the change you want to see in the world"? I took a slightly different spin on it. Decided that I didn't like my world...decided to change myself to get to the world that I wanted to have. I'm not there yet, but it's not anyone's job to get me there but me.
Correct. Shows you ARE learning how to date. A date is simply a place+time to meet. When you meet someone YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR A MARRIAGE PARTNER. Or a relationship. Or a girlfriend. You are just getting to know about each other. But even that's not the MAIN reason for a date. And this what you never knew about dating.
The main purpose of a date is not to get to know all about someone (details) but to relax, have fun, and see if romantic vibe can be created between each other, even just a hint.
So what you thought dating was for before, forget that. Its to relax, have fun, create a romantic vibe if things are going good.
So let's go over this in detail so you know how to date from here on:
1. relax: this is easy, pick a place that allows for relaxing. Like a cozy coffee shop. Not a movie. Not a concert.
2. have fun: early dating is meeting to talk so have fun talking. Don't ask interview-type questions. Don't talk politics or religion. Talk about fun things to do, like when you went a fun trip. Ask her what she likes to do for fun. Find common interests. Keep the talk a fun banter, not a serious tone. You want to make her feel comnfortable that talking will be relaxing and fun. Have you ever hung around some friends just hanging out and just had fun? That's what you want her to feel.
3. romance: as you get to know each other, engage in a way that is open to romantic feelings from each other. Think of this as a close 'vibe' you want to happen naturally. You can compliment her looks, but do it poetically, not bluntly. At the right time you can say something like "I am enjoying being with you, this feels right to me right now, How are you feeling?". You want to get into a zone where you two are talking more intimately, and she is looking at you for longer time period. When that happens you can kiss her.
So now you know that's all dating is. It's NOT to find a relationship, a girlfriend, a marriage partner. All that is too stressful. But say you want to find a marriage partner? Well you can tell her that's what you're ultimately looking for, but only at the right time, right woman. Do NOT ask her to be anything to you. If you date her for relaxing, fun, and romance, you are doing the right thing. And THAT'S ALL you need to do. She will want that, and more of it. You are putting no pressure on her to 1. make you happy 2. require her to do or be anything for you. If you do that over time, then she may decide on her own mind to want to turn you into her boyfriend, or even a marriage partner. Let it be her idea, not yours.
So here's dating summed up. It's much easier then you thought. It's simply 1.2.3: 1 relaxing, 2 fun, and 3 romantic. That's ALL you have to do in dating. it's your job to provide the place+time to meet for 1.2.3. to happen. This IS a dating skill to get better by doing it. This let's HER, not you, to decide over time if it turns into a long term thing of some sort.
I did some reading on this. As far as I understand it, a Manic Pixie Dream Girl has a unique insight into and appreciation of a brooding, lonely male protagonist, and coaxes him out of his shell to live a fuller, more complete life. I think everyone wants to be understood and appreciated, but I'm not looking for someone to teach me to lead a better life.
Once upon a time, you would have been exactly right. I sat stagnant for a long time hoping a girl would notice me and come change my life. I did that for years. There's a lot of things I didn't do because I was waiting on someone to do them with. I know Sonic has told the story of her ex not wanting to watch movies or TV because "he doesn't have anything to do them with." I understand that completely, it's how I (didn't) live for years. I finally got tired of of not living and realized that I was in charge of my own life...I could improve it myself. The old Gandhi quote, "Be the change you want to see in the world"? I took a slightly different spin on it. Decided that I didn't like my world...decided to change myself to get to the world that I wanted to have. I'm not there yet, but it's not anyone's job to get me there but me.
Yeah, that's really nice. Thank you for putting it this way. I do like the idea of having that unique insight, maybe not to a brooding man necessarily, but one who is lonely perhaps because he's shy or guarded? If I see a bit of a mystery, I'm interested in being the one who gets right in there and discovers the untouched layers of a complex person, and who can say, "See? Being vulnerable does not mean you won't be loved. I see you, and I love you!" This is not only with men, and not only romantically. I take genuine interest in other people, and there have been many friends and relatives that I've been the one person who knows them better than anyone. Who understands things about them that no one else does. It's a role I often seem to take.
But I didn't want a man who had his life on hold waiting for someone to live it with, either though. I don't get that thing my ex does of sulking and refusing to watch a show or film or something because no one is sitting next to him watching it with him, even if I do enjoy watching shows with a partner, doesn't mean I wouldn't without one. My boyfriend was pretty shy and buttoned up to other people, yet he had a pretty robust and interesting life (that no one knew about.) He took a class to learn to fly glider planes. He can juggle. He likes a bajillion movies, shows, and a very wide range of music. He's been interesting places, met interesting people, and done interesting things, even if he did so on his own.
And he still goes and does stuff without me by his side, when it's something I'm not really into. He doesn't need me right there, in order to have an experience or do a thing. Whereas, like, one time my ex went camping with the boys and some friends (men and their sons, generally.) The entire time he complained about having to sleep alone, and swore repeatedly during the trip and upon his return that he would never do any such thing without his wife ever again. I actually hated how he was so focused on me that he couldn't even bond with our kids. Like that just...it's not healthy or normal. And it was scary because I always knew that he'd never end our relationship no matter how bad it got and if/when I did end it, it would be a massive threat to his identity and sanity.
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