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"If she's interested, she'll make it obvious."
"If she's not interest, leave her alone."
These pieces of advice, from this thread, have really informed how I interact with women I might be interested in.
The crux of it is women's interest. I took the fact that women have never obviously expressed interest in me (with one exception) along with the fact that I was repeatedly mistaken about women's interest to mean...women just aren't interested in me, at all, which means I needed to stop asking them out, which I did. "If you're not getting clear signs of interest, leave her alone."
Several posts I've read on here recently make me question that again, though. They're more along the lines of, as long as I ask respectfully and take my "No" and go, it might be okay to ask even if I haven't gotten "clear signs of interest."
For the record, I've never asked anyone who was obviously disinterested. Everyone I've asked out had been someone I'd had several pleasant interactions with. There have been people I've talked to (meaning anyone socially, not just women) who didn't want to be talking to me, and I naturally left them alone. I also didn't go around asking out just anyone I saw. I have never cold approached. When I asked a woman out it was after several meetings or conversations at least...minimum of two. I always dropped it after the "No thanks"...if she told me "No, that won't work because of my schedule at that time" I did ask again, but then would drop it after a second rejection.
Should I be asking women out even if they haven't made it "obvious" for me? Is it acceptable to trade her probable momentary discomfort at having to turn me down for the satisfaction of my hopeful curiosity of whether I have a chance with her nor not?
What matters is understanding how to read clear signs of disinterest. What really does upset women is when you ignore clear signs of disinterest. That is when women are feeling harassed.
Women know for sure when they are not interested in someone.
But there is another broad category of guys that women just aren't that sure about. For a woman to date someone, she needs to be attracted to him and she has to sense there is some chemistry there, but she also needs to feel safe. Unless all these things are present usually they are not going to show interest. That sometimes isn't really determined by a woman until after she has been on a few dates with a guy. Only then does she become more demonstrative about her feelings.
Are there any situations where a woman will be giving lots of hints of interest? Yes, but its generally when she has been in a situation where she has seen a guy on fairly frequent basis where she can get a read on how safe she feels around him. So if you and some woman volunteer at the animal shelter together, that is a situation where if she is attracted, thinks that there is chemistry and has been around you long enough to feel safe she might actually show interest. But this is a much smaller pool of women.
I think its ok as long as you ask respectfully, and if you are asking her to be somewhere with you in a public place, like inviting her to an event which is a mutual interest (art gallery, piano recital, stand up comedian). I dont think many women would feel harassed or threatened in that situation.
Unless you are her boss or supervisor or in some power position over her. You should not ask out anyone who is in a subordinate position to you, whose paycheck or livelihood depends on staying in your good graces.
What matters is understanding how to read clear signs of disinterest. What really does upset women is when you ignore clear signs of disinterest. That is when women are feeling harassed.
Women know for sure when they are not interested in someone.
That makes sense. And of course I’ve never knowingly asked out a disinterested woman. But if the number of times I thought I saw interest, asked, and was turned down is any indicator, I don’t have a good sense of when that is. When I pick up on disinterest I back off (with anyone in social settings, not just women I’m interested on. But, I’m not good at reading social cues, particularly in a romantic setting, and that has led to a lot of rejections, and potentially making women I thought were interested but weren’t uncomfortable when I asked them.
Given all of that, should I still try to ask out women I think might be interested, but who based on my track record probably aren’t?
Unless you are her boss or supervisor or in some power position over her. You should not ask out anyone who is in a subordinate position to you, whose paycheck or livelihood depends on staying in your good graces.
I don’t ask women out in the workplace. Either her workplace or my workplace. I consider both to be off-limits to me, no matter how interested I am or how interested I think she may be. I nearly gave a waitress my phone number once. She stopped by my table several times just to talk, we had several nice conversations about her career goals (about to enter grad school), my job, interests, that sort of thing. I would have given her my number if I’d seen her on a return visit to that restaurant. But, that was before I’d read all kinds of horror stories about women being asked out at work and basically being a captive audience to guys. It was her job to make me feel welcomed to that restaurant, and she did her job well...that does not mean she was interested, and it shames me that I nearly put her on the spot. Luckily I didn’t see her again, even as I went back several times hoping to have her again.
"If she's interested, she'll make it obvious."
"If she's not interest, leave her alone."
These pieces of advice, from this thread, have really informed how I interact with women I might be interested in.
The crux of it is women's interest. I took the fact that women have never obviously expressed interest in me (with one exception) along with the fact that I was repeatedly mistaken about women's interest to mean...women just aren't interested in me, at all, which means I needed to stop asking them out, which I did. "If you're not getting clear signs of interest, leave her alone."
Several posts I've read on here recently make me question that again, though. They're more along the lines of, as long as I ask respectfully and take my "No" and go, it might be okay to ask even if I haven't gotten "clear signs of interest."
For the record, I've never asked anyone who was obviously disinterested. Everyone I've asked out had been someone I'd had several pleasant interactions with. There have been people I've talked to (meaning anyone socially, not just women) who didn't want to be talking to me, and I naturally left them alone. I also didn't go around asking out just anyone I saw. I have never cold approached. When I asked a woman out it was after several meetings or conversations at least...minimum of two. I always dropped it after the "No thanks"...if she told me "No, that won't work because of my schedule at that time" I did ask again, but then would drop it after a second rejection.
Should I be asking women out even if they haven't made it "obvious" for me? Is it acceptable to trade her probable momentary discomfort at having to turn me down for the satisfaction of my hopeful curiosity of whether I have a chance with her nor not?
Good points, I've run into women that were carrot danglers that , although they'd stay in touch, even reach out to me, when I would entertain getting together, they'd be evasive or say yes to getting together, then flake at the last minute. Then, wash-rinse-repeat. They don't make it easy. Turns out they were just bored and needed a texting buddy.
Unfortunately, there are certain types of women see this method of making men work for it. That if he say, gives up after the first try, they figure he's just trying to get in their pants and not willing to make an effort to win her affections.
I'd scratch my head on some of those "How we met" stories where a woman would blow a guy off multiple times to finally actually GO OUT with the guy. Surprisingly, they wound up married, but I'm sure she has him wrapped around her little finger if that's what he had to do as a method of courtship. lol
I don’t ask women out in the workplace. Either her workplace or my workplace. I consider both to be off-limits to me, no matter how interested I am or how interested I think she may be. I nearly gave a waitress my phone number once. She stopped by my table several times just to talk, we had several nice conversations about her career goals (about to enter grad school), my job, interests, that sort of thing. I would have given her my number if I’d seen her on a return visit to that restaurant. But, that was before I’d read all kinds of horror stories about women being asked out at work and basically being a captive audience to guys. It was her job to make me feel welcomed to that restaurant, and she did her job well...that does not mean she was interested, and it shames me that I nearly put her on the spot. Luckily I didn’t see her again, even as I went back several times hoping to have her again.
She may have been interested in you, or just being friendly as part of her job. But in cases like that I agree, its best to err on the side of caution. Women in the service industries get hit on all the time by customers, Im sure.
I am long out of the dating scene, but back then if a guy I wasn’t interested in asked me out, I could politely tell him no thanks, and I wouldn’t be upset for him trying. Women learn how to do this pretty early in life. If it was just a schedule conflict, you can be sure I made it abundantly clear I DID want to go out (“can’t make it this Saturday, but maybe next weekend?”)
When I was younger I had a problem showing TOO much interest, so sometimes (esp. if it was guy I was really interested in) I went too far the other way, so you can’t always be sure from whatever signals she’s giving out.
Just ask a woman out. If she says no thanks, move on.
The alternative is to wait for someone to make it obvious, hence the title.
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