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So I have been dating this guy for over a year now and it’s been fine.
Backstory:
I was married to a man much older than me for 9 years. We have two little kids. I was a stay at home mom for 6 years before we separated. I lived a good life woth this man but his temper was something else. As in goes from 0 to 100 real quick at a pin drop kinda temper. I call it going hulk. I responded to his anger by getting anxiety attacks until I realized what they were. Took me 5 years to realize I had very bad anxiety. I was always at home with the kids 24/7, he went to work, whenever he came home I wouldn’t ask anything from him just whatever he needs help with to relax or whatever. He was always and still is a very angry person. Hasn’t changed at all no matter how much we worked on it. No matter how much I sat him down and talked to him about it because I couldn’t take it anymore. It was destroying me mentally and psychologically. We’ve sat down and talked about his temper, how I feel, my anxiety, my thoughts on possible divorce, ultimatums, I mean we did everything but marriage counseling. And he only agreed to counseling when it was all over and I already left. Like please? NOW you try? After all the talking, begging and compromise. Any stay at home mom will agree it’s a hard job, it’s nuts, there are no solid 9 to 5 because it’s 24/7 on call duty, and it drives you just plain stir crazy and depressed. Especially when we moved to a new state where I knew nobody.
So after everything, a little bit over a year ago I had an affair. This was one of his ultimatums (even though he said it sarcastically) that he said “I’ll only divorce you if you have an affair”. And so I wanted out so bad. I was always restricted, I couldn’t do what I wanted to do, I didn’t feel me anymore, or rather I never found ME.
The divorce is over, I got screwed on that. And now I am dating this man who is the same age as me and overall pretty satisfied. But it’s a dramatic change from the life I once had. And after all the life changes in a year, the relationship has been pretty rough on me. Emotionally. I can continue on more woth recent events. But how would you feel if you were me? Did I make a valid choice?
I lived a good life woth this man but his temper was something else. As in goes from 0 to 100 real quick at a pin drop kinda temper. I call it going hulk
Did he ever direct he anger in a physical way to you or the children, or was this rage directed at the world and those outside your nuclear family?
I note you did not mention the oft used phrase of physical abuse so I presume not. Did this brute of a man strike you after you cheated on him or at anytime?
Note the rest of my comments are predicated upon the idea that he never struck you or the children, i.e. physical abuse. Disregard them if this is not true because there is not an excuse for a man laying his hands on a women or a child.
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I mean we did everything but marriage counseling. And he only agreed to counseling when it was all over and I already left. Like please? NOW you try? After all the talking, begging and compromise.
So you never went into counseling, even after he finally saw the light and wanted to try. So nine years of marriage wiped out and you would not even attempt a Hail Mary pass. Did you try to go to counseling to for help with your depression and anxiety before you threw in the towel on your marriage?
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Any stay at home mom will agree it’s a hard job, it’s nuts, there are no solid 9 to 5 because it’s 24/7 on call duty, and it drives you just plain stir crazy and depressed.
No, any stay at home mom would not say that, just some. My wife raised 4 children as a stay at home mom and home schooled them on top of it. She thought she was the luckiest woman in the world to have a man who was a provider and thus had the luxury of her being able to stay at home. It was a decision she made, and she had two masters degrees so trust me she took flak for it from her feminist, once friends. She relished being a stay at home mom and was looking forward to doing it again, only this time with grandchildren.
So, while I do not dispute it may have driven you as an individual crazy, not all women feel the way you do.
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So after everything, a little bit over a year ago I had an affair. This was one of his ultimatums (even though he said it sarcastically) that he said “I’ll only divorce you if you have an affair”. And so I wanted out so bad.
You did what you did. There is no putting the Genie back in the bottle. You might try coming to peace with it within yourself or overtly with him.
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The divorce is over, I got screwed on that.
You were the one who was unfaithful, hard to see how you got screwed unless you mean by the man you cheated on your husband with, in which case I would say you were spot on.
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But how would you feel if you were me? Did I make a valid choice?
What is valid? Who knows. It sound like you were mentally unbalanced and likely still are.
I think you made an exceedingly poor choice as a mother of small children. No matter what, they will be impacted by having their once safe secure world (as they saw it) ripped asunder because two alleged adults could not act like grownups and resolve their differences.
Only you know how you feel about it. It seems to me you destroyed a family. I note you never mentioned how you tried to see a counselor about you depression or anxiety. I also find it interesting that though you say:
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it’s nuts, there are no solid 9 to 5 because it’s 24/7 on call duty
you manged to find time to get laid outside your marriage, so obviously not as 24/7 as you are trying to lead people to believe.
The damage is done, I just hope you can be cordial for the sake of the children and try to somehow create an environment of certainty for them going forward.
I suggest you do not subject your children to mama's friend, or "new" uncles and confine any further romantic interests to the shadows until your children are of age.
Once again, if he struck you or the children disregard my comments entirely; that is a game-changer.
Last edited by GhostOfAndrewJackson; 11-24-2019 at 02:02 AM..
The decision to have an affair was all yours. You could have just divorced him without banging some other dude.
I’m not sure you should even be dating.
You’re right I shouldn’t be. As far as the divorce he said himself he wouldn’t have signed anything or given me anything if I just outright divorced him. But to be fair the argument on emotional and psychological abuse would’ve been stronger in that case.
You’re right I shouldn’t be. As far as the divorce he said himself he wouldn’t have signed anything or given me anything if I just outright divorced him. But to be fair the argument on emotional and psychological abuse would’ve been stronger in that case.
IMO, enter a relationship where you have the option to leave it. So when your partner is behaving in a way that is unacceptable to you, you don't have to make threats or have ineffective sit down discussions. You just leave.
I don't know where GhostOfAndrewJackson is coming from. Mental abuse, what nikkid508 went through, can do 100 times more damage than physical abuse. I totally agree that no man should ever strike a woman. I never have and never will. But with physical abuse, sometimes bruises go away. With mental abuse, that damage is always there. I had a friend who went through it for 6 months and said if any man she gets close to after being mentally abused, if he even coughs hard she flinches.
Nikkid, I'm glad you got out of that situation. Sorry you went through the affair though.
You’re right I shouldn’t be. As far as the divorce he said himself he wouldn’t have signed anything or given me anything if I just outright divorced him. But to be fair the argument on emotional and psychological abuse would’ve been stronger in that case.
Yes it would have. You weren't forced to do what you did. Believe me,I understand how you believe that your life circumstances make it seem like you had no other choice, but you aren't the first person married to a jerk.
You definitely need therapy, not a new boyfriend right now, so you can be the best possible parent and role model for your kids.
You’re right I shouldn’t be. As far as the divorce he said himself he wouldn’t have signed anything or given me anything if I just outright divorced him. But to be fair the argument on emotional and psychological abuse would’ve been stronger in that case.
You weren't a prisoner, though. The law does not require you to be married to a person against your will, whether that person agrees or not. You may have prevented him from purposely dragging the legal proceedings on longer than necessary.
I don't know where GhostOfAndrewJackson is coming from. Mental abuse, what nikkid508 went through, can do 100 times more damage than physical abuse. I totally agree that no man should ever strike a woman. I never have and never will. But with physical abuse, sometimes bruises go away. With mental abuse, that damage is always there. I had a friend who went through it for 6 months and said if any man she gets close to after being mentally abused, if he even coughs hard she flinches.
Nikkid, I'm glad you got out of that situation. Sorry you went through the affair though.
Mental abuse, what nikkid508 went through, can do 100 times more damage than physical abuse. I totally agree that no man should ever strike a woman. I never have and never will. But with physical abuse, sometimes bruises go away. With mental abuse, that damage is always there. I had a friend who went through it for 6 months and said if any man she gets close to after being mentally abused, if he even coughs hard she flinches.
Nikkid, I'm glad you got out of that situation. Sorry you went through the affair though.
Excellent and well-written post, kygman. I am in 100% agreement.
The minute a partner, man or woman, shows a pattern of abuse, be it physical, mental, emotional, exploitation, etc..., it's an automatic and immediate game changer for the relationship. I don't think anyone should stay in a relationship where abuse is present, ever.
nikkid508, I am sorry you went through that fear and pain. I hope you seek professional counseling to help you heal from the trauma. I don't think it's time for you to date. I think your time is better spent focusing on your children and yourself. There's always time for dating later on.
I wish you peace, my friend.
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