Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I need advise. 3 years ago i had an affair. I was married to my ex for 25 years and took care of him after a stroke for 16 years and raised 3 little girls. He became close to his girls as he was home all the time and I had 2 jobs out of the house and did would I could to raise money at home to pay the bills.
My ex's doctors all said he could work again but couldn't do what he used too which was an electrician because he only had the use of one hand. Anyway he was 40 and I was 36 when this happened. He refused to learn a new occupation and for 16 years I basically did everything while he spent a lot of time sitting on the sofa, reading, watching tv, etc. He honestly never helped me with anything. After the girls all moved out and had lives for themselves I started becoming very lonely as my girls were all gone now. I was 52 when I started an affair. I felt so needed and loved, something I had been missing for 17 years. My husband became very verbally abusive for many years because he just couldn't do what he wanted to do and kept blaming, blaming, blaming everyone for being unable to do what he wanted to do. One of my daughters found out i was having an affair and told their father. He filed for a divorce. It was a horrible, nasty long drawn divorce. I got the house as I got first nabs on it. He had not worked for 18 years and refused to do so. Anyway my one daughter now hates me. Said I took the one thing away from her father that meant anything to him. I thought things were starting to work out between us because she had a child and I would watch him all the time for her. Until her father NOW just bought a house and she is moving in with him. When this happened she let me have it. Called me every name you could think of. Said she didn't need me anymore and I was never going to see my grandson again. This really just came out of left field. I'm heart broken. I did end up married the man I had the affair with and am happier than I have been in 20 years. I think my daughter will have this bitterness and anger towards me the rest of her life. I am now 55 and my daughter is 26. She has mad terrible choices in men in her life and is very very unhappy. She blames me for her bad choices in men even though her bad choices were happening well before this whole situation. FYI my other two daughters are doing great. We have a relationship, they have put it in the past and moving one. My 30 year old is a professor at a university and my 23 year old has been married to a police officer for 5 years and she is going to Veterinarian school. I don't know what I can possibly do to ever change my daughters mind that I have ruined every aspect of her life because of my affair. I was so unhappy for so many years and wasn't planning on getting a divorce. I was planning on taking care of my ex the rest of my life even during the affair. I just wanted to feel loved, worth, attractive, and I was finally getting that after so many years. I was also seeing a psychologist during this time of the affair. Help me. I hate that my daughter has so much bitterness, hostility towards me. She was always her fathers favorite and now she is in the position I was in 20 years ago. going to live with her father, take care of him and her 2 year old son who has autism. Thank you for any advise.
There won't be much you can do. She sounds like one of my daughters; always looking to blame someone else for the bad choices she made. I have three grown daughters and the other two do not have that mindset. I don't know why the middle one won't take responsibility. They were all raised the same way.
I guess you should have divorced your husband first, before getting involved, but that's life. It happens.
I'm glad you are happy now and are loved. Sounds like your daughter and your ex deserve each other.
You chose the affair over family, and now you must suffer the consequences.
Hope it was worth it!
That's harsh.
I don't believe adults are responsible for the happiness of other adults. And, there's no telling if the daughter would have reacted any better if the affair started after the divorce. That's the route my friend took, divorcing her alcoholic, abusive husband before dating again, and her own daughter still thinks the sun revolves around her father, and her mother is at fault. Meanwhile, the father remarried and divorced again after being arrested for domestic abuse. His daughter is still his biggest fan, while keeping the grandchild from her mother.
I'm glad you're happy OP. I think you did your best for a man who failed to appreciate it. Concentrate on your new marriage, and your other children. You can't make your daughter see the light when she's choosing to live in her father's shadow.
I am not sure the affair really made the difference. I think it was probably the house/divorce. Even though you say you would not have divorced if not for the affair, many couples stick it out for the kids and then once they are grown one simply can't take it anymore and will leave. With all you went through, I tend to think that you would have been inclined to leave regardless.
Hopefully your daughter will come around, but there's no guarantee that she will. She will probably learn pretty quickly that he's not going to be much help with her child. It sounds like you have a good relationship with the other two daughters who are both successful, so maybe she will look to them as positive examples and see that they have good relationships with you. On the other hand, she is not so successful and still has a relationship with her father. Is there a correlation? It just seems like they have a codependent relationship that might be toxic.
OK so you took care of your H for 16 years after a stroke and he chose to never work again or contribute at home. He certainly wasn't an asset to the family so no big loss there. The divorce is probably the best thing for both of you. He will be forced to re-join the world and you have found someone who cares for you. And you no longer have to work 2 jobs and run a household.
The kids will do whatever they decide is right. Not your choice. The one daughter who thinks you are so horrible was only using you for babysitting services. No loss there either.
Yes, the affair was wrong. But your H was wrong too. Two wrongs never makes a right so now you all have to live with your decisions.
You are just going to have to give her the space she is demanding...maybe in time she will have more compassion for you, or more forgiveness.
It seems weird to me she was willing to let you watch her kid like everything was ok and then turn like that. Sounds very manipulative. If this is the case, I suggest you put up boundaries so she cant manipulate you again.
I'm still wondering how the ex-husband, who has not worked in 18 years, could afford to buy a house.
OP, you did the best that you could do.
Perhaps, once your daughter realizes that she is now responsible for caring for her father, while he sits on the couch, watches TV and expects her to do everything around the house her attitude may change.
I went through the divorce from hell. My ex was/is narcissistic, suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and paranoia (One of the worst diseases imaginable....not the "fraidy cat" jokes that we make about someone not willing to do something, but a very harsh hurtful frightening disease that makes you think the alarm is always going off, but there is never anyone in the house (for example)).
Long story short, we had three daughters. I had a good relationship with all of them, but during/after the divorce, one of them became angry/hostile toward me. I took reasonable steps to resolve the situation, but eventually let it go. She is still angry, and I have moved on to a very happy life with a wonderful woman.
It is NOT greedy to want to be happy. It is NOT selfish to need love and caring in your life. Sometimes others feel differently, but after you have done what is reasonable, there is no sense in continuing to hurt yourself trying to make someone else happy. Indeed, sometimes their unhappiness has nothing to do, in reality, with you.
Life is short. Find happiness. Move on. You don't need to carry the burden of guilt with you at all.
I'm still wondering how the ex-husband, who has not worked in 18 years, could afford to buy a house.
Yeah, I wondered about that too.
OP, you said you were in therapy once. Are you still? Perhaps its time to go back, and seek advice from someone who can know you more deeply than anyone here ever can. That deep mother/daughter estrangement is something that the right therapist could help you deal with in the best possible way, whatever that turns out to be.
FWIW, I think you should worry most about that autistic grandson rather than his mother. Just do what you can -- if you can do anything at all -- to ensure that he is getting/will get proper care and treatment, and make sure you stay in touch for things like birthdays (even if its just sending a card), or just sending a little gift or something once in a while if you cannot see him.
And if your daughter ever changes and decides to end her estrangement from you, be ready to decide how (not if) you will reconcile.
Good luck.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
