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Before I read any other responses, just don't be too demanding. I've had to help my parents most of my life. When I got married, it was just part of the deal but the money came from my business. However, there were times I needed to really help them like put a down payment on a condo so that came from that were initially mine but were joint at the time of withdrawal.
I was a beneficiary on my dad's life insurance and would have been made whole had my dad not gone the viatical route and I only ended up with 10% of what I should have gotten (after he passed away).
On the condo, it was in my name so at least I have that. It was just a tough situation but I had great parents but my dad just made some poor financial decisions and never recovered. When you're self employed, it's a different mind set than W2 working 9 to 5.
I would say because your boyfriend treats his mom well, he will treat you well. It's a sign of loyalty, of caring, of love.
He obviously feels he has to do this and I felt the same. There was one month I didn't help my parents and it was awful so I just kept doing it.
In my family, there were 4 siblings. My brother and I were the main helpers but one of my sisters also helped my mom after my dad passed away.
It was kind of an unspoken thing - we all helped each other through the years.
Thank you for the advise. I will try my best not to come across as demanding. I do understand that there are things that are important to every one of us, and there is nothing wrong with any of that.
You are right, he is very caring, and I wouldn't want to be together with someone that is not respectful or kind towards their parents, unless there are things like violence involved.
OK, so he currently is giving some of his potential retirement contributions to his mom for monthly luxuries. That's not a good sign. If he can't even look after his own retirement, he's not going to be able to, or even be interested in--budgeting for a child's needs. (Have you two ever discussed kids?)
The writing is on the wall. But you can, and should, have the conversation anyway, unless you'd be ok simply shrugging and walking away now.
Thanks for responding to the earlier questions.
We talked about the idea of having kids, we are both open to having one child, and we will want to pay for college. But we never talked about budgeting or how we are going to take care of the child in detail, like what kind of school or summer camp we should provide for the child. I agree, and this is a conversation that we should have.
My bf and I come from the same country, our cultural background is similar, but I think how our families work is different.
If you go forward with the relationship, you might want to consider insisting the house is sold before your marriage. If you think it's possible that you may end up having to eventually all live together, because Mom and brother will always be a bit of a wild card, you and husband if you marry him, might want to consider buying a duplex when/if it becomes apparent they can't make it on their own. At least that way you and bf would own the duplex. I don't suggest owning it in common with the brother and Mom.
No he hasn't. He and his brother co-owned the house together for about 15 years now, and they all lived together with their mom. When his dad divorced his mom, he took everything, and his mom didn't get anything. Their uncle borrowed them money at that time to keep the house. My bf worked really hard, and found a job while in college. His brother quit his job for a year or two to take care of his mom during the divorce, but over the years they lived together to pay for the mortgage and pay back the money their uncle lent.
If you go forward with the relationship, you might want to consider insisting the house is sold before your marriage. If you think it's possible that you may end up having to eventually all live together, because Mom and brother will always be a bit of a wild card, you and husband if you marry him, might want to consider buying a duplex when/if it becomes apparent they can't make it on their own. At least that way you and bf would own the duplex. I don't suggest owning it in common with the brother and Mom.
No he hasn't. He and his brother co-owned the house together for about 15 years now, and they all lived together with their mom. When his dad divorced his mom, he took everything, and his mom didn't get anything. Their uncle borrowed them money at that time to keep the house. My bf worked really hard, and found a job while in college. His brother quit his job for a year or two to take care of his mom during the divorce, but over the years they lived together to pay for the mortgage and pay back the money their uncle lent.
Gonna say it. That might be his narrative, but he also might have failure-to-launch issues.
No he hasn't. He and his brother co-owned the house together for about 15 years now, and they all lived together with their mom. When his dad divorced his mom, he took everything, and his mom didn't get anything. Their uncle borrowed them money at that time to keep the house. My bf worked really hard, and found a job while in college. His brother quit his job for a year or two to take care of his mom during the divorce, but over the years they lived together to pay for the mortgage and pay back the money their uncle lent.
Can you elaborate? I might be wrong but I don't like the mom, seems she is lazy and always leaning for support on someone else. I would move mountains before I let myself become a burden to my children.
Can you elaborate? I might be wrong but I don't like the mom, seems she is lazy and always leaning for support on someone else. I would move mountains before I let myself become a burden to my children.
Why is she not working, how old is she?
She is in her mid-60's right now, and retired in her early 50's. His parents used to own and run a small grocery store, I don't know the details, from what my bf told me his dad got violent towards his mom to the extent where she ended up with permanent nerve damage in a hand. That incident made my bf call the police on his dad, where he was taken away, a few days later his dad divorced his mom. The whole thing was very awful, his dad didn't leave them with anything. I assume his dad probably manged the family finances and the house was under his dad's name.
During the divorce, they found out his dad actually has another child with someone else that's around the same age as my bf. For someone like his dad to deceive the family with something like this for so long, I think his dad probably managed the money. When his parents divorced, my bf and his brother borrowed money from their uncle to pay their dad out to keep the house.
His mom went through a lot during the divorce, was hospitalized a few times over 2 years, and my bf's brother quite his job to take care of her. Luckily, my bf found a job that paid enough to support the family when his brother wasn't working and gave his the time to continue and finish school. At that time, he told his mom that she doesn't have to work anymore, he will take care of her. I don't know if she was still working before the divorce, and I doubt his dad provides any support for his mom after the divorce.
Nope. Leave. Huge red flag. This will always be a problem... She doesn't need to be mooching off of him and if anything this is simply guilt money because he feels bad about how she lived . Plenty of women suffered bad relationship and don't get free Money
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