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She is in her mid-60's right now, and retired in her early 50's. His parents used to own and run a small grocery store, I don't know the details, from what my bf told me his dad got violent towards his mom to the extent where she ended up with permanent nerve damage in a hand. That incident made my bf call the police on his dad, where he was taken away, a few days later his dad divorced his mom. The whole thing was very awful, his dad didn't leave them with anything. I assume his dad probably manged the family finances and the house was under his dad's name.
During the divorce, they found out his dad actually has another child with someone else that's around the same age as my bf. For someone like his dad to deceive the family with something like this for so long, I think his dad probably managed the money. When his parents divorced, my bf and his brother borrowed money from their uncle to pay their dad out to keep the house.
His mom went through a lot during the divorce, was hospitalized a few times over 2 years, and my bf's brother quite his job to take care of her. Luckily, my bf found a job that paid enough to support the family when his brother wasn't working and gave his the time to continue and finish school. At that time, he told his mom that she doesn't have to work anymore, he will take care of her. I don't know if she was still working before the divorce, and I doubt his dad provides any support for his mom after the divorce.
Sorry for the confusion, about the 1K, he gives his mom $500/month, that will continue, and I am assuming he will continue pay at least $500 towards his mom's living expenses after he gets married. Knowing how much he pays for household expenses now, the $500 is probably an optimistic number.
He discussed this with his family before, if he get married, he will get his own place, and his mom and brother would get a smaller place together. His brother and mom can manage on their own, may need to make some changes in lifestyle like eating out less, because my bf pays for most of the household expenses now, that may be a big change for them if they need to cover more of the expenses.
"If" he got married?? And, the mom and brother would get a smaller place together? Sorry, but I don't see the mom and brother doing that. They probably, I would assume, like their current house, and finding a new, smaller house is a hassle for them. If I were you, I would "see it before I believe it".
I still maintain that one year of dating is too soon to have these huge, serious conversations about his paying for his Mom... but as you said, you two are planning to get a place and move in the end of this year. I would start talking to your boyfriend now, see what he says about his plans on how he will continue to financially support Mom and their household expenses there.
--->Also, does his Mom know that she will be moving to a smaller place in the next 6 months or so? And, is she ready and willing to do that, and soon? The brother okay with it, too?
Serious conversations need to be had. This affects not just you, or him... but his Mom & brother too.
"If" he got married?? And, the mom and brother would get a smaller place together? Sorry, but I don't see the mom and brother doing that. They probably, I would assume, like their current house, and finding a new, smaller house is a hassle for them. If I were you, I would "see it before I believe it".
I still maintain that one year of dating is too soon to have these huge, serious conversations about his paying for his Mom... but as you said, you two are planning to get a place and move in the end of this year. I would start talking to your boyfriend now, see what he says about his plans on how he will continue to financially support Mom and their household expenses there.
--->Also, does his Mom know that she will be moving to a smaller place in the next 6 months or so? And, is she ready and willing to do that, and soon? The brother okay with it, too?
Serious conversations need to be had. This affects not just you, or him... but his Mom & brother too.
I'm seeing more need for clarification, here, from the OP. I thought, that she and her bf would move in together...somewhere, which I assumed would be a rented apartment. If they get along doing the live-in period, marriage may be in the cards. AFTER the wedding, they would buy their own place, using for a downpayment the bf's 1/3 of the proceeds of the sale of the mother's home, plus maybe the OP would add her share, or maybe not.
If that's more or less correct, it means that the mom and brother wouldn't have to move until the OP & bf have lived together for an unspecified period, but probably at least a year. That's in addition to the remainder of this year, during which they're dating & discussing what their future would look like.
But that's just my understanding of it, which may not be correct. I think you raise a very good question, though, in any case; does the mom know that there's an impending move/downsizing, in roughly a year-and-a-half, maybe 2 years? Most people need a lot of lead time, to begin downsizing their stuff. If the sale of the home is really going to happen, mom and bro should get ready to start weeding out stuff they don't need, already later this year, and then in 2021, a gradual packing process should begin. That's IF the OP & bf are still a couple by the time 2021 rolls around, and stay coupled after living with each other a few months. That, of course, remains to be seen.
OP, there are some very practical matters for everyone to consider, here. It's easy to toss around ideas and dreams and even plans for the future, but planning at some point involves rolling up your sleeves and actually doing work to bring the plans to fruition. Have all the parties involved thought through what that will entail? You and bf have discussed moving in together, and sale of the home has been discussed, but is there an actual game plan in place for that, if only tentatively?
I think, that discussing (at some point before you move in together, probably best not to bring it up now) preparation for a home sale would show very quickly, how serious mom & bro really are, about vacating the home they've occupied for the last 30 years. I think you need to find out how serious they are or aren't, before you give up your current place, and move in with your bf.
But before you do that, I think, as has been noted earlier, you need to find out from your bf, how he plans to subsidize mom while at the same time sharing child-raising expenses with you and contributing to the child's college fund. I'm pretty sure he hasn't thought about where the money's going to come from, to raise a child and pay for its college. The fact, that he hasn't been paying into a retirement fund for himself speaks volumes, in this regard.
But again, this issue doesn't need to create any conflict; mom & bro should be able to downsize to a place that's affordable and comfortable for both of them. Being mortgage-free would free up the money bro is currently spending on a mortgage, and make it available for him to fully pay the utility bills, probably with some left over. But that conversation would need to be had between your bf and his brother. OR, maybe he'd be ok taking on a small mortgage for a smaller place, while mom pockets her 1/3 of the home-sale proceeds. With that extra nest egg, mom wouldn't need subsidizing any more, or not in the same large amount. Hey, what a concept!
I get the feeling your bf is averse to broaching any topic, that might be challenging for the family to face. He seems to feel it's easier to continue hemorrhaging money in their direction, even if they wouldn't need it, than to step up to the plate, and have a mature adult conversation about economics and everyone's future.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-16-2020 at 10:27 AM..
Yes, right now my bf are paying separately into our retirement contributions. He hasn't contributed much. His work pays more, but doesn't contribute to the employee's retirement, my works pays less, but contribute quite a bit, and my parents mentioned that they will give me their investment condo down the road. If we get married, we will need to plan more for his retirement.
Sorry for the confusion, about the 1K, he gives his mom $500/month, that will continue, and I am assuming he will continue pay at least $500 towards his mom's living expenses after he gets married. Knowing how much he pays for household expenses now, the $500 is probably an optimistic number.
He discussed this with his family before, if he get married, he will get his own place, and his mom and brother would get a smaller place together. His brother and mom can manage on their own, may need to make some changes in lifestyle like eating out less, because my bf pays for most of the household expenses now, that may be a big change for them if they need to cover more of the expenses.
Thanks again for helping me.
I wouldn't bet on it staying $500/month because as she gets older, he will be footing her medical expenses as well. Is he Asian, by any chance?
I also wouldn't bet on them selling the house if he moves out.
To me, this would be a deal breaker. It's a blank check and you aren't going to win.
I wouldn't bet on it staying $500/month because as she gets older, he will be footing her medical expenses as well. Is he Asian, by any chance?
I also wouldn't bet on them selling the house if he moves out.
To me, this would be a deal breaker. It's a blank check and you aren't going to win.
This goes back to my earlier point, about his (and his brother's) "mom" money being better spent contributing to an old-age insurance policy for her, rather than handing her cash to fritter away every month. This family isn't thinking responsibly.
And in Asian cultures, the whole thing about one's kids, especially the male children, and especially the first-born male (bf's older brother), taking care of the parents in "old age" traditionally was about very old parents, when they reach the infirm stage, later in retirement. It's precisely about that 80+ phase or so, roughly. Or about the parents moving in with one of the kids after retirement, at 65-70. It didn't used to mean, that parents get to cash in as soon as their kids begin earning their own paycheck, or as soon as the parents pass 50 but are still hale and hearty.
Although these days, some Asian parents do demand that, even if they're wealthy on their own. Parents who do that, are hobbling their young-adult children's ability to secure their own future, and in some cases, even their ability to meet basic expenses and have some discretionary spending, while building a career. Though in the OP's bf's case, the contributions beyond the mom's already-generous monthly income from investments seem to be voluntary, offered out of compassion for some trauma she suffered in her marriage.
Your boyfriend & his brother bought out their father's 1/2 of house. They borrowed to do this & have payments. So unless there was an existing mortgage that they took over also (owed by both parents), it seems more likely bf has 1/4 ownership.
Regardless, bf & brother are going to support their mother. If you are not okay with that, you should not get married to him.
Your boyfriend & his brother bought out their father's 1/2 of house. They borrowed to do this & have payments. So unless there was an existing mortgage that they took over also (owed by both parents), it seems more likely bf has 1/4 ownership.
Regardless, bf & brother are going to support their mother. If you are not okay with that, you should not get married to him.
It remains to be seen, what the mother does with her share of the proceeds, from the sale of the house, though. (If they do sell it.) If she adds it to her current next egg, she may no longer need to be supported. There are options with this home-sale and relocation, that haven't been considered at all. Everyone seems to be going on automatic pilot, and making assumptions. It's a little weird.
It remains to be seen, what the mother does with her share of the proceeds, from the sale of the house, though. (If they do sell it.) If she adds it to her current next egg, she may no longer need to be supported. There are options with this home-sale and relocation, that haven't been considered at all. Everyone seems to be going on automatic pilot, and making assumptions. It's a little weird.
We talked about the idea of having kids, we are both open to having one child, and we will want to pay for college. But we never talked about budgeting or how we are going to take care of the child in detail, like what kind of school or summer camp we should provide for the child. I agree, and this is a conversation that we should have.
My bf and I come from the same country, our cultural background is similar, but I think how our families work is different.
I think that it is very important to discuss budgeting and real costs and real numbers. A close relative of mine lives in a very high COL area. Before they had children they had discussed general figures but did not actually check on the actual costs of day care and other things in their area. They are extremely frugal (buy their clothes at second hand shops, rarely go out to eat, bike to work, etc.) and have professional jobs but were shocked when they found out the actual costs of having children.
Luckily, they had some savings (from money the wife inherited when her grandfather died) so they could pay their bills but for two years they were in the red $1,000 each month (when both kids were in day care). During that time they weren't saving any money for retirement or for emergencies. Now, one child is in school full time and dad got a better job, so they can now start to think about saving money for their retirement and possibly for college expenses but it was quite stressful for a while.
Frankly, if you were my daughter I would advise you to take it very slow, go to couples counseling AND financial couples counseling, discuss all future goals, figure out budgets, etc.
While I think it's nice he's being a good son and taking care of his mom I would never want to marry someone who gives up so much of their post tax income each month- but that is a choice you have to make.
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