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My 100% Amazing Dating Life has been filled with lessons. Sometimes painful lessons, sometimes humorous lessons. If I didn’t have every type of experience, how would I know what truly makes me happy?
A woman can decide that you’re “pretty cool” without you having to communicate that to her. That’s where some guys here shoot themselves in the foot. They compare themselves to movie stars or GQ models, or what they perceive to be society’s ideal.
In order to be “cool” to a potential match, you just have to have the qualities that are important to them. That won’t always happen, so just go out and meet as many women who will agree to meet you, to increase your chances of finding chemistry. It’s elusive, and yet it’s that simple.
IME.
I've been having a pretty tough day today as a 20y old male, so i was wondering if i could find some cool people here to relate & talk about stuff
Which is why i have these 2 simple questions.
1. in an ideal world where your datinglife would be 100% amazing, what would that look like?
2. I've checked out some posts, you guys seem pretty cool people, do you feel that sometimes it's difficult to communicate that to a woman?
Thanks so much in advance! - looking forward to reading your answers.
My dating life sucked at first. Then I realized one basic principle: Approach a woman first as a person, not as a fertility goddess. Realize that while she might be hotter than flowing lava, she also has interests in life, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and a history that she carries around on her shoulders. Be more interested in talking about her than you. And have some backbone if she throws you shade. Women will do that, just to test your mettle.
And if it's difficult to communicate with a particular woman, then it's time to move on. Jigsaw puzzle pieces only fit one other piece in the box, after all. So you talk to one woman, try her on for size, then move on. Be nice, be respectful, but don't try to force it.
By the way, here's the thing about conversation at all time. This is true whether you're talking to a fabulous woman at a party, a colleague, or just passing time with a stranger in an airport: The best conversationalists are always more interested in the other person than they are in talking about themselves. By that, I don't mean peppering someone with a bunch of questions, because that's not a civilized form of conversation. But learning the knack of understanding who they are as a person.
If you date someone, you are establishing trust. That's not something that you prove through words, but through actions. If you say you're going to be there at a certain time, be there at that time. If you say you're going to call her, call her. Rather than disappear for days after the date, tell her the next day after you had a great time. Tell her the truth. Don't play games. Think about her feelings. That's way more important than some stupid over-the-top gesture such as buying her flowers or taking her out to a chi-chi restaurant on the first date. Do those things, and you'll automatically raise suspicions.
That's the thing. There's an entire school of idiots out there who walk away from a relationship if they're not making the beast with two backs by date number three. These are fools. A fantastic woman might not want to immediately have sex with you for an entire host of reasons that have nothing to do with neuroses or her attraction to you. She might just be discriminating.
Your self-worth does not hinge on your having a date on Saturday night, by the way. Be your own person with your own interesting life. Cultivate hobbies and passions. Read interesting books. Try different things. Nothing is more boring than someone who is either afraid of life or so stuck in his rut that he isn't open to new things. Which means you need to be positive and open. Be the kind of person you'd like to hang with. Be someone who builds others up and gives them energy and confidence, not someone who is a drain.
Want to know what iced it with my wife? I went to the freaking ballet with her. She danced for years and kind of mentioned how she wanted to go. So I took the hint and said, "Sure. Never been, but I'll go with you." And I went with a good attitude. I asked questions. Hey, ballet wasn't necessarily my bag, but I appreciated it. It wasn't about the ballet itself. It was about my openness to the ballet. By doing so, revealed to her the kind of man I was. And then, later that night, she watched me play a set with our rock band at a night club. I learned later on that her previous boyfriends would have rather died than attend a dance performance of any kind, and bitched about it for weeks afterwards if they actually deigned to go. It had become kind of her litmus test and I passed it with flying colors.
And that has set the tone in our lives together. What's important to her is important to me--and vice versa. I'll go to the ballet with her. But my wife has become a student of baseball. Hell, she even keeps the box score during games. And we have constantly tried new things, because courage is the foundation of all happiness.
Mind you, be open to the possibility of lightning striking. I met my wife at a party. The moment I shook her hand, I simply knew. It was as if a door opened and all I had to do is step through it. And she knew by our fourth date. But, being two people with strong personalities, we still had to get used to one another. While she and I were completely different in a host of ways, we simply clicked together. Our conversations lasted for hours without even realizing it. And when that happens, you know you're onto something great.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 05-15-2020 at 08:01 AM..
My dating life sucked at first. Then I realized one basic principle: Approach a woman first as a person, not as a fertility goddess. Realize that while she might be hotter than flowing lava, she also has interests in life, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and a history that she carries around on her shoulders. Be more interested in talking about her than you. And have some backbone if she throws you shade. Women will do that, just to test your mettle.
I'll never understand the point of wanting to approach people you're too intimidated by to be able to bring yourself to approach. What kind of sense does that make? Why not approach the approachable ones? I'll also never understand why there's such a need to tell people, that the purpose of the date is to get to know your date, not to spend the entire time talking about yourself.
My dating life sucked at first. Then I realized one basic principle: Approach a woman first as a person, not as a fertility goddess. Realize that while she might be hotter than flowing lava, she also has interests in life, insecurities, vulnerabilities, and a history that she carries around on her shoulders. Be more interested in talking about her than you. And have some backbone if she throws you shade. Women will do that, just to test your mettle.
And if it's difficult to communicate with a particular woman, then it's time to move on. Jigsaw puzzle pieces only fit one other piece in the box, after all. So you talk to one woman, try her on for size, then move on. Be nice, be respectful, but don't try to force it.
By the way, here's the thing about conversation at all time. This is true whether you're talking to a fabulous woman at a party, a colleague, or just passing time with a stranger in an airport: The best conversationalists are always more interested in the other person than they are in talking about themselves. By that, I don't mean peppering someone with a bunch of questions, because that's not a civilized form of conversation. But learning the knack of understanding who they are as a person.
If you date someone, you are establishing trust. That's not something that you prove through words, but through actions. If you say you're going to be there at a certain time, be there at that time. If you say you're going to call her, call her. Rather than disappear for days after the date, tell her the next day after you had a great time. Tell her the truth. Don't play games. Think about her feelings. That's way more important than some stupid over-the-top gesture such as buying her flowers or taking her out to a chi-chi restaurant on the first date. Do those things, and you'll automatically raise suspicions.
That's the thing. There's an entire school of idiots out there who walk away from a relationship if they're not making the beast with two backs by date number three. These are fools. A fantastic woman might not want to immediately have sex with you for an entire host of reasons that have nothing to do with neuroses or her attraction to you. She might just be discriminating.
Your self-worth does not hinge on your having a date on Saturday night, by the way. Be your own person with your own interesting life. Cultivate hobbies and passions. Read interesting books. Try different things. Nothing is more boring than someone who is either afraid of life or so stuck in his rut that he isn't open to new things. Which means you need to be positive and open. Be the kind of person you'd like to hang with. Be someone who builds others up and gives them energy and confidence, not someone who is a drain.
Want to know what iced it with my wife? I went to the freaking ballet with her. She danced for years and kind of mentioned how she wanted to go. So I took the hint and said, "Sure. Never been, but I'll go with you." And I went with a good attitude. I asked questions. Hey, ballet wasn't necessarily my bag, but I appreciated it. It wasn't about the ballet itself. It was about my openness to the ballet. By doing so, revealed to her the kind of man I was. And then, later that night, she watched me play a set with our rock band at a night club. I learned later on that her previous boyfriends would have rather died than attend a dance performance of any kind, and bitched about it for weeks afterwards if they actually deigned to go. It had become kind of her litmus test and I passed it with flying colors.
And that has set the tone in our lives together. What's important to her is important to me--and vice versa. I'll go to the ballet with her. But my wife has become a student of baseball. Hell, she even keeps the box score during games. And we have constantly tried new things, because courage is the foundation of all happiness.
Mind you, be open to the possibility of lightning striking. I met my wife at a party. The moment I shook her hand, I simply knew. It was as if a door opened and all I had to do is step through it. And she knew by our fourth date. But, being two people with strong personalities, we still had to get used to one another. While she and I were completely different in a host of ways, we simply clicked together. Our conversations lasted for hours without even realizing it. And when that happens, you know you're onto something great.
I'll never understand the point of wanting to approach people you're too intimidated by to be able to bring yourself to approach. What kind of sense does that make? Why not approach the approachable ones? I'll also never understand why there's such a need to tell people, that the purpose of the date is to get to know your date, not to spend the entire time talking about yourself.
Well, the intimidation thing comes from guys not understanding that no woman is unapproachable. She might be hotter than a five dollar pistol on Saturday night, but she's still a living, breathing, flesh-and-blood individual. Be genuine, don't try a cheesy line, and don't approach a woman with the objective of hooking up. It's a bit of mental jujitsu, but still.
The second, bolded thing? It weeds out the narcissists. Essentially if your conversation is an information dump, that's what it makes you--in addition to being an insufferable bore. Men and women alike are quite capable of being terrible conversationalists, chiefly because they want to talk about themselves nonstop. It's astounding how many there are out there.
What's more, a perceptive person will realize that what a person does is a far better indicator of who someone is than what a person says. What comes out a person's mouth is propaganda, the baloney that person believes about himself or herself. Everything else is reality.
I always had the Waiter Test (It works beautifully for business relationships, too). After a couple of dates, when the woman was feeling more relaxed around me, we'd go out to eat. During dinner, I'd be interested in seeing how she interacted with our server. Because I knew that, in six months, that's how she'd be treating me. It sure as hell saved me from some horrid relationships. When a woman was sweet as pie with me, but was snapping at the poor waiter, bossing him around, it didn't speak well of who she was. Because the truest indicator of character is how that person treats someone else in a situation where they are not on an equal footing, such as the waiter, the counter help at the dry cleaner, and whomever else. Character reveals itself in ways large and small.
So by not talking about yourself, I don't mean don't offer thoughts or opinions, far from it. What's more, there's got to be some reciprocity in conversation or you'll be in a one-sided relationship. But it's the attitude of being more interested in the other person than oneself that really matters.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 05-15-2020 at 09:48 AM..
But seriously I don't date unless there is serious attraction, which doesn't happen often. I'm actually more at peace when I don't like/have feelings for anyone. I just live my life as normal. Looking for love or being on the prowl never made sense to me. If you come across someone and the feeling is mutual cool. If not, keep it moving. Nothing to stress over.
Last edited by Auraliea; 05-15-2020 at 11:54 AM..
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