Husband Plans To Move To California Without Establishment [MERGED] (dating, wife, marriage)

[AmberousRay]

My Husband has always loved California and has dreamed of going back after his last job had him travel once every few months to California for work. He use to live there when he was a teen going to school and absolutely loves the weather. He never discussed this with me before marriage or when dating, that he planned to move back to California. (He claims this has always been his plan) I on the other hand am a Floridian and have Family down in Florida, love the Florida weather and the tropics.

The first time we moved for his first job, it was nearly 2 hours away in Sanford. The apartment got shot up and we had to move to another apartment, then he lost his job, we only have one car and I was having difficulties finding a stable job. The apartment started leaking and we had to move back to my home town. (Where I use to live when we were dating)
I found a part time job and he has been working at a new job down here that is more reasonable. We have been in the process of deciding between a house or apartment.
The plan was to build a life in Florida and maybe consider living in another State like Texas or near his Mother in Minnesota down the road, where we could establish another job prior.

Out of no where he brought up that he had been talking to a friend about starting a business. His friend lives in California and claims he is incredibly intelligent. He wants to move to California to search for more career opportunities, but there are several issues. 1) I never wanted to leave Florida anytime soon or want to live in California. I traveled to visit California once for a wedding and though it was pretty, I didn't want to stay there long. (I am not use to seeing mountains and ocean on one side. I felt claustrophobic and in general, felt home sick..I did not like it after a few days passed. Was getting nauseous and was physically ill.) 2) He wants to move to California without a job or as he told me "Take the risk". I asked if he could find a similar job that would allow him to travel to California once in a few months, like a travel for business kind of job, but he presses how he wishes to live there permanently.

What is the best way to solve this situation?

Mod note: A second thread on this same relationship has been merged into this thread. See post 108.

[moongirl00]

Have you told him you really do not want to live in California at all?

[AmberousRay]

I have deeply expressed not wanting to live in California throughout the years of being married and the few times he has brought it up, but he seems determined now to go regardless of how I feel. He says "Then you are deciding to stay here, not forcing you to move." but really it feels like I am choosing.

[moongirl00]

Can I ask how long have you been married? And your approximate ages?

[AmberousRay]

I am 29 and he is 32, been married 3 years going on 4 years.

[Bevv]

He is making the choice to leave Florida and you if you do not move with him. It is his actions that are in question here, not yours.

He has no stable job prospects in a time when a large part of the US is not working.

[moongirl00]

He is showing poor judgment (moving to a very expensive overly crowded state with no job prospects) and giving you an ultimatum.

Is he planning to do this soon or is it a plan for the future?

[Chowhound]

Originally Posted by moongirl00

He is showing poor judgment (moving to a very expensive overly crowded state with no job prospects) and giving you an ultimatum.

Is he planning to do this soon or is it a plan for the future?

I would tend to agree. My dad pulled a move like this some years ago and it almost backfired on him. He was lucky to fall into a decent job.

I would never move out of state without having a gig lined up ahead of time. I'm in somewhat similar boat except I want to leave Ca, not come here. I'm also not dropping ultimatums on my spouse either.

[scocar]

You have a decision to make. You either move to be with him, or tell him you are not moving. If you tell him you are not moving, then he has a decision to make. Since it was not discussed prior to marriage you are not obligated to go. It would be different if you always knew this was his desire and married him anyway.

I was in a somewhat similar situation but later in life. My second wife told me that she wanted to move back to the Midwest. We lived in Phoenix and she claimed the Midwest was better raise kids. She did not bring this up until we had two kids together. Problem was that I had two kids from my first marriage. So I told her that there was no chance I was moving away from them until after they graduated high school. She said by then our kids would be 11 and 8 and it would be too late. As a compromise I told her that if she still wanted to move after both my older kids were out of high school I would. So she waited and then we moved. . . then a year after moving she said she wanted a divorce and then had an affair. So I ended up divorced in a city where I knew no one but couldn't move back because I shared custody of my two kids.

[kitty99]

The cost of living is through the roof. Moving to CA without a job or savings is insanity!!! Unless you live in Beverly Hills or are ultra rich it is really run down. I usually stay near Newport Beach/Irvine area but went up to Hollywood and Universal Studios last summer. It has been 10 years since I drove up there and the traffic was HORRENDOUS. Dead stop most of the time and I was grateful to finally move 5-10 miles an hour. I won't be visiting North LA for a long time. The freeways were really run down and many areas looked like a 3rd world country.

Solution? You have to sit down and think about what you really want and make a 5-10 year plan. Decide on things you are willing to compromise on and things you won't. Then put the ball in his court.