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Maybe this is a time to make use of leverage this situation has created. You'll help him (for your mutual benefit) if he'll help you (for your mutual benefit). Tell him you'll help him get his benefits only if he agrees to actively participate in counseling to improve both your lives. Not an ultimatum, a pact. If he doesn't roust himself I'd probably rethink staying with him. You resent him now. How's that going to change for the better?
I agree. The OP sounds like they are newlyweds just starting to figure each other out and discovering flaws.
"I can't help because I have financial worries"
I, I, I, I.
If OP cares at all for her husband and her lengthy marriage, she will be a partner to him, help him get his benefits, and gently encourage him in positive ways.
if she is unable to do that, she has no business being in a marriage.
OP was this some sort of arranged or mail-order marriage?
And how is he being a partner to her? Refusing to contribute to the household financially, it sounds like he doesn't make up for it by doing the housework, expects OP to cater to him as if he's an incompetent child, refuses to get help for whatever mental-health issue he's having (which probably also manifests in other unpleasant ways).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3
Op, men had and continue to be expected to provide for the wife. Imagine how they must of felt holding that task to the flame. You are now getting a taste of that inequality. Good news is that when the world flipped it's lid and created this equality....suddenly the kept spouse had to step up.
Your spouse is mimicking what had been more or less a role for the lady of the house.
As much as marriage is team encouraged. He is separately an adult. He needs to be that first. If he can read he can apply.
Where did OP say they were "the kept spouse"? I see no indication that they hadn't had a job previously.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
I think you sound very selfish, you need to put yourself in his shoes.
Sounds like he's in a pretty deep depression.
Should you help him ?
Would you want or expect him to help you if roles were reversed?
Depends if you meant it when you said "for better or for worse".
If you're only in it for the better then it sounds like he picked the wrong woman
If he is depressed then he needs to see someone. Which he refuses to do. If he persists in *creating* and perpetuating the "worse" then it sounds like OP picked the wrong man.
If he is depressed then he needs to see someone. Which he refuses to do. If he persists in *creating* and perpetuating the "worse" then it sounds like OP picked the wrong man.
I can tell you have never dealt with a loved one with clinical depression.
And how is he being a partner to her? Refusing to contribute to the household financially, it sounds like he doesn't make up for it by doing the housework, expects OP to cater to him as if he's an incompetent child, refuses to get help for whatever mental-health issue he's having (which probably also manifests in other unpleasant ways).
Where did OP say they were "the kept spouse"? I see no indication that they hadn't had a job previously.
If he is depressed then he needs to see someone. Which he refuses to do. If he persists in *creating* and perpetuating the "worse" then it sounds like OP picked the wrong man.
Amen.
This man has hardly worked in TEN YEARS!!!!! And people here are destroying the OP???? What the?
Fill out the paperwork and then decide if you want to continue. Tell him he needs to work on his issues. I would expect, therapy and a part time job in order to continue with this relationship. If you fill out the paperwork then he can at least pay for some expenses. I would say- you either deal with your depression with me and my help, or you are going to have to deal with it on your own.
OP, letting it go 10 years falls on you. Either do something or just commit to taking care of this man for the rest of his life without complaint. You can't complain if you allow it.
Will it be a benefit to you if he is getting benefits? Will it provide some financial relief? If so, swallow your anger and frustration and help him apply. Or find a friend or relative willing to help him with the paperwork. And then seriously think about whether or not you want to stay married. Is there anything you like about your husband?
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