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First I want to say that I’m in the emotional low point of my life right now...I’m so sad and heartbroken.
I’m 36 and my GF is 31. About 3 years ago I met her and fell in love with her. She is the first woman I ever loved to this degree and I was about 6 months out of my previous relationship. For whatever reasons I don’t have many friends or anything, but companionship is something I yearn for.
In the beginning when I met her she was struggling financially...after paying bills she barely had enough left over to eat. I thought whatever...her ex left her in a bad spot and she soldiered on and was making a way for herself. I respected that.
Well, I was in a better financial position. I was in a better financial position so the routine quickly became me paying for all of our dates. And we went out A LOT...it was great because I finally had someone to spend all my time with. For the first 6 months I would say we averaged $1500/month on eating out (twice a day sometimes) and entertainment. But like I said, I had some extra money as a single 33 year old who was always financially prudent. I just kinda said oh well. It sorta became routine for us for to go eat or do stuff...to the point where she didn’t say thank you and I didn’t really expect it.
Fast forward 6 months and I was basically staying at her house so much that I moved in. She quickly let me know that I should pay half the rent since I had basically moved a month prior to that. I said sure that is definitely fair. So I gave her $700/month to cover half of the rent and utilities.
Now...about 6 months after this the landlord decided to sell the home so after looking at much more nicer yet more expensive homes to buy for us to live in, I worked out a deal to buy the rental home we were already living in. The mortgage/tax/insurance is around $1500/month. I really wanted her to pay some on this but she never did...after trying to bring it up several times I eventually settled on something like she would for groceries. She did continue paying the utilities at $400/month since they were already in her name.
Well — months go by and she maybe spends $200/month on groceries...this is because we simply continued our ways of eating out and whatnot at $1500/month. The house also needed some repairs so I paid for 90% of those. A few times she did buy things for the home...like she spend $500 one time for new countertops and a sink. However, I paid to fix the roof ($3,000) and several other big repairs.
Things were going well in the relationship though. I felt we were in love. Then about 1.5 years in somehow she missed a payment on her car loan and her car got repossessed. She desperately needed $3,000 to get it back. I begrudgingly agreed to loan her the money. She was going to pay me back $200 or $300 per month until it was paid back. This lasted about 3 months.
At this point we are close to 2 years in and I guess we were coming out of the honeymoon phase of the relationship and I was really starting to add up everything I was putting into the relationship financially. I felt like she was taking it all for granted. But I never said anything directly about it. However, it did cause me A LOT of emotional distress which I often took out on her by treating her badly...verbally and emotionally. At this point I’m kicking myself for not just coming out back then and telling her the real reason for my anger.
Regardless, we are now at year 3 and after many fights stemming from my depression, I have now told her that the last 3 years I have felt like she took advantage of me which for me caused 90% of my mistreatment of her the last year. She got VERY defensive about me laying this on her and quickly started trying to rattle off things she has done for me. She now says she needs some space to sort out her feelings and the anguish I’ve caused her. I did say some really mean things but somehow we always used to work it out and get back to normal.
I know I did mistreat her (never physically) but I did it because I wasn’t man enough to step up and say **I** felt taken advantage of. Now I feel like I’m losing someone I really did love and I will be back to how it was before...alone.
My lesson I guess...don’t be so desperate for love that you will allow yourself to feel taken advantage of. And don’t try to bury those feelings just to have someone because they WILL manifest in some way...for me it was depression which led to not treating my partner well verbally and emotionally.
But am I totally the bad guy here like she is saying?
Last edited by Pleasedontreuse; 05-09-2021 at 12:31 PM..
Cliff notes: gf was “poor” and I’m paying ~$3000/month toward living cost compared to her $400 which has led to a lot of fighting the last year. Now that I’ve told her the reason for me becoming withdrawn and emotionally abusive she has started to back away and wants space.
Last edited by Pleasedontreuse; 05-09-2021 at 12:45 PM..
First I want to say that I’m in the emotional low point of my life right now...I’m so sad and heartbroken.
I’m 36 and my GF is 31. About 3 years ago I met her and fell in love with her. She is the first woman I ever loved to this degree and I was about 6 months out of my previous relationship. For whatever reasons I don’t have many friends or anything, but companionship is something I yearn for.
In the beginning when I met her she was struggling financially...after paying bills she barely had enough left over to eat. I thought whatever...her ex left her in a bad spot and she soldiered on and was making a way for herself. I respected that.
Well, I was in a better financial position. I was in a better financial position so the routine quickly became me paying for all of our dates. And we went out A LOT...it was great because I finally had someone to spend all my time with. For the first 6 months I would say we averaged $1500/month on eating out (twice a day sometimes) and entertainment. But like I said, I had some extra money as a single 33 year old who was always financially prudent. I just kinda said oh well. It sorta became routine for us for to go eat or do stuff...to the point where she didn’t say thank you and I didn’t really expect it.
Fast forward 6 months and I was basically staying at her house so much that I moved in. She quickly let me know that I should pay half the rent since I had basically moved a month prior to that. I said sure that is definitely fair. So I gave her $700/month to cover half of the rent and utilities.
Now...about 6 months after this the landlord decided to sell the home so after looking at much more nicer yet more expensive homes to buy for us to live in, I worked out a deal to buy the rental home we were already living in. The mortgage/tax/insurance is around $1500/month. I really wanted her to pay some on this but she never did...after trying to bring it up several times I eventually settled on something like she would for groceries. She did continue paying the utilities at $400/month since they were already in her name.
Well — months go by and she maybe spends $200/month on groceries...this is because we simply continued our ways of eating out and whatnot at $1500/month. The house also needed some repairs so I paid for 90% of those. A few times she did buy things for the home...like she spend $500 one time for new countertops and a sink. However, I paid to fix the roof ($3,000) and several other big repairs.
Things were going well in the relationship though. I felt we were in love. Then about 1.5 years in somehow she missed a payment on her car loan and her car got repossessed. She desperately needed $3,000 to get it back. I begrudgingly agreed to loan her the money. She was going to pay me back $200 or $300 per month until it was paid back. This lasted about 3 months.
At this point we are close to 2 years in and I guess we were coming out of the honeymoon phase of the relationship and I was really starting to add up everything I was putting into the relationship financially. I felt like she was taking it all for granted. But I never said anything directly about it. However, it did cause me A LOT of emotional distress which I often took out on her by treating her badly...verbally and emotionally. At this point I’m kicking myself for not just coming out back then and telling her the real reason for my anger.
Regardless, we are now at year 3 and after many fights stemming from my depression, I have now told her that the last 3 years I have felt like she took advantage of me which for me caused 90% of my mistreatment of her the last year. She got VERY defensive about me laying this on her and quickly started trying to rattle off things she has done for me. She now says she needs some space to sort out her feelings and the anguish I’ve caused her. I did say some really mean things but somehow we always used to work it out and get back to normal.
I know I did mistreat her (never physically) but I did it because I wasn’t man enough to step up and say **I** felt taken advantage of. Now I feel like I’m losing someone I really did love and I will be back to how it was before...alone.
My lesson I guess...don’t be so desperate for love that you will allow yourself to feel taken advantage of. And don’t try to bury those feelings just to have someone because they WILL manifest in some way...for me it was depression which led to not treating my partner well verbally and emotionally.
But am I totally the bad guy here like she is saying?
You're depressed because you've spent several years waiting hand and foot on a foolish and parasitic girlfriend.
It boils down to this: If someone is in their thirties and still can't get his or her act together, and it's never THEIR fault, you have someone who will never get it together. And you will spend the rest of your life propping this person up.
Mind you, we're not talking about someone who has had a temporary setback. This is a girl who, over the long-haul, displays no interest in actually changing the course of her life. She will keep sponging off you and then blaming you if you dare to say anything about it.
Another recent thread asked about how to handle the finances if someone moves in with you. This one is a textbook example of what not to do.
You're depressed because you've spent several years waiting hand and foot on a foolish and parasitic girlfriend.
It boils down to this: If someone is in their thirties and still can't get his or her act together, and it's never THEIR fault, you have someone who will never get it together. And you will spend the rest of your life propping this person up.
Mind you, we're not talking about someone who has had a temporary setback. This is a girl who, over the long-haul, displays no interest in actually changing the course of her life. She will keep sponging off you and then blaming you if you dare to say anything about it.
Another recent thread asked about how to handle the finances if someone moves in with you. This one is a textbook example of what not to do.
I agree I went about things ALL WRONG financially. I guess I’m learning the hard way.
When I moved in, she was very adamant about me paying half the bills...despite me already spending $1500+/month toward our food and entertainment. I probably should’ve demanded financial fairness at that point and seen how she responded. Heck, I probably shouldn’t have allowed myself to pay for all the food and entertainment without demanding some contribution if we were to continue doing those things.
But like I said, I was happy to have a companion — I just kept thinking she would realize how much easier I’ve made her life and some point start moving toward a more fair contribution. But it continued to seem like the more I did the more she took for granted. I was the one that had to pay the bills and also make sure money was put back for emergencies. Despite not contributing much and her still needing $3k to get her car out of repo...I was infuriated beyond belief and at that point started to realize she just had no sense about money.
You are better off alone at this point. Get your finances back on track, get some therapy to figure out why you fell for a user, and then heal. And then hopefully eventually you'll meet a better woman. You aren't a "bad guy" but you cannot blame everything on her either. You did have a part in it by going along with it. You didn't communicate with her about the finances and you allowed her behavior because you were in love.
Did she move out?
As far as her saying nasty things--she will say nasty things to you in order to screw with your head but you have to ignore what she says and just resolve to move on at this point. She isn't going to change.
Has the girlfriend moved out? If she has, look at this as an opportunity to start over.
She is obviously bad with money. You started with the going out all the time. That was a poor decision on your part. Now you resent it. If you are going to continue living with this woman you need to work out an arrangement that you both think is fair. If you think you are spending too much on going out then you need to cut back to what you think is reasonable.
Has the girlfriend moved out? If she has, look at this as an opportunity to start over.
She is obviously bad with money. You started with the going out all the time. That was a poor decision on your part. Now you resent it. If you are going to continue living with this woman you need to work out an arrangement that you both think is fair. If you think you are spending too much on going out then you need to cut back to what you think is reasonable.
She gets very defensive and mad when I bring it up. She got mad that I waited so long to say it was a problem. She said things like money doesn’t equal love but I tried explaining to her that a lot of the money spent is out of love in hopes of giving us a better life. Finally she gets really nasty sounding and says I’m gonna pay this and that so “you get your money.”
After she went of town hiking with a friend all day and night (didn’t tell me anything about it), I texted her and asked if she would be more comfortable with me staying at my parents. Instead of answering she just kept turning it on me saying saying that since I sound unhappy with her it would probably be better. I kept asking what do YOU want....finally she says maybe we need space to find ourselves and it would be better if I stayed there. I’m not sure what she wants or where she sees it going...says she needs time to sort out her mental health from all the stress I’ve put her through.
I don’t really like being at the house now with how she’s acting...distant, not talking, not texting. I actually feel less lonely staying at my parents but I know this can’t be a long term solution.
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