Wife is afraid to have sex again! (wives, men, husband)
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We're now going to the gym to lose some weight for a formal event we have in a few months and she's walking and running on a treadmill for an hour or so several nights a week and that is not physically hurting her in any way. She's doing leg machines and stair climbers. However, taking our time with sex is still out of the question.
Something's obviously preventing her from wanting to do it. She's not in any pain anymore right? So a quick call to her dr asking if she can resume sex is all she really has to do, I assume...unless her dr wants to see her to make sure.
So overall, this is more psychological now.
How sexually active were you two BEFORE her surgery? Were there times you two didn't have sex before for several weeks? If so, what's her reasoning?
She may be feeling like less of a woman now. Sometimes that happens with hysterectomy. A fair number of women equate their ability to bear children with femininity. If they are no longer able to bear children, they feel less feminine and desirable. Yes, you are very obviously evidence that she is still desirable, as you want to have sex with her. But you might not be the right person to convince her of this because of the current dynamic between you. She may need some counseling.
Truly, I think you both could use it. There comes a point in situations like this where sex can become a power struggle. She may feel like if she has sex with you, you "win" and she "loses," or like you've gotten some kind of victory over her. It may feel like she's "giving in" instead of sharing something with you. Again, maybe this doesn't make a lot of sense on the surface, because ideally a woman enjoys sex and wants it herself, but I can nearly guarantee you that if you pressure her and get angry at her, that is what will happen, if it hasn't already. She may start to feel that sex is something you want to do TO her and not WITH her. You, on the other hand, may feel like she is controlling you or unilaterally making decisions about your shared sex life, like every time she says no, she wins and you lose. That kind of dynamic can destroy a marriage very quickly.
What a relationship counselor will probably tell you is that you will need to learn to have physical touch without expectations of sex. The idea is that your wife knows that you are not just touching her and being affectionate with her because you want your orgasm.Then, once you both get the hang of touching each other without sex, sooner or later, she's going to get hot and bothered herself, and the two of you will then go to the counselor and say, "Give us an F on that homework because we couldn't help ourselves."
If you don't think you can handle nonsexual touch without getting hot, bothered, and ultimately frustrated, then yes, you will have to take care of your own needs for a while. This expectation that because two people are married that they shouldn't "need" to masturbate is not all that healthy, to be honest with you. Neither one of you own the other's body, and no matter how great a couple's sex life is, there will always be times when one wants to and the other doesn't, or situations like this where there has been a health issue. By taking the view that your spouse is responsible for your satisfaction, you are giving up your own agency to an extent, and putting your satisfaction entirely and quite literally, in someone else's hands.
I hope you two can sort this out. Whatever you do, don't cheat, and don't threaten to cheat. That is only going to make matters worse. No one wants to feel coerced into sex, like their choices are "have sex or the spouse cheats." Marriage is built on more than that, or should be. You're a team. You'll have to work together to figure this out, and a good counselor can help you.
[Snip.] We're now going to the gym to lose some weight for a formal event we have in a few months and she's walking and running on a treadmill for an hour or so several nights a week and that is not physically hurting her in any way. She's doing leg machines and stair climbers. However, taking our time with sex is still out of the question.
Is talking to her calmly and clearly out of the question? Let her know what your needs are, and ask her what her solution to this issue is? Tell her you can respect that she still needs time, and you will give her more time, but you need a glimmer of hope for when you can get what you need as well.
I would think she would be relieved that you would be fine with satisfying yourself while you wait, but you say the opposite is true. Tell her that that reaction is unreasonable and unacceptable - calmly and nicely.
I hate to say it, but couples counseling or divorce seems to be in order. Ask her if either one of those would be the solution she is looking for. Be prepared to hear something you might not want to hear.
I fully agree with you and what everyone else has said but here's the caveat. If I'm not actively trying to get sex from her then she's mad saying I must be getting it from somewhere else. It's like I'm in a damned if I do and damned if I don't situation.
If her sex drive is gone I can respect that. But do not get mad at me when I "take care of things myself." You can't really have it both ways. "I don't have a sex drive so you shouldn't either."
If she doesn't want you taking care of things yourself and she is afraid of PIV sex right now, is there any possibility of other forms of sex? Or are those off the menu, so to speak. as well? I mean geez, there's a lot of variety available.
If she doesn't want you taking care of things yourself and she is afraid of PIV sex right now, is there any possibility of other forms of sex? Or are those off the menu, so to speak. as well? I mean geez, there's a lot of variety available.
I was thinking that same thing. I also wouldn't care if she was counting the towels and got in a snit over it.
She may be feeling like less of a woman now. Sometimes that happens with hysterectomy. A fair number of women equate their ability to bear children with femininity. If they are no longer able to bear children, they feel less feminine and desirable. Yes, you are very obviously evidence that she is still desirable, as you want to have sex with her. But you might not be the right person to convince her of this because of the current dynamic between you. She may need some counseling.
Truly, I think you both could use it. There comes a point in situations like this where sex can become a power struggle. She may feel like if she has sex with you, you "win" and she "loses," or like you've gotten some kind of victory over her. It may feel like she's "giving in" instead of sharing something with you. Again, maybe this doesn't make a lot of sense on the surface, because ideally a woman enjoys sex and wants it herself, but I can nearly guarantee you that if you pressure her and get angry at her, that is what will happen, if it hasn't already. She may start to feel that sex is something you want to do TO her and not WITH her. You, on the other hand, may feel like she is controlling you or unilaterally making decisions about your shared sex life, like every time she says no, she wins and you lose. That kind of dynamic can destroy a marriage very quickly.
What a relationship counselor will probably tell you is that you will need to learn to have physical touch without expectations of sex. The idea is that your wife knows that you are not just touching her and being affectionate with her because you want your orgasm.Then, once you both get the hang of touching each other without sex, sooner or later, she's going to get hot and bothered herself, and the two of you will then go to the counselor and say, "Give us an F on that homework because we couldn't help ourselves."
If you don't think you can handle nonsexual touch without getting hot, bothered, and ultimately frustrated, then yes, you will have to take care of your own needs for a while. This expectation that because two people are married that they shouldn't "need" to masturbate is not all that healthy, to be honest with you. Neither one of you own the other's body, and no matter how great a couple's sex life is, there will always be times when one wants to and the other doesn't, or situations like this where there has been a health issue. By taking the view that your spouse is responsible for your satisfaction, you are giving up your own agency to an extent, and putting your satisfaction entirely and quite literally, in someone else's hands.
I hope you two can sort this out. Whatever you do, don't cheat, and don't threaten to cheat. That is only going to make matters worse. No one wants to feel coerced into sex, like their choices are "have sex or the spouse cheats." Marriage is built on more than that, or should be. You're a team. You'll have to work together to figure this out, and a good counselor can help you.
The idea of he having kids was gone long time ago. We met some 20 years ago and she had already had her tubes tied after she had her 2nd son. That son is now going on 25 years old. The idea of non-sexual touching we already do. We'll get in bed and I'll cuddle with her at night and then we fall asleep. I know it's not going to lead to anything so I keep those feelings at bay. What I don't fully understand is that She's still hesitant to have sex but last night we were watching the latest episode of The Chi where 2 of the characters went to a sex party. They didn't participate but were working at it. She mentioned about us going to one. Ok, so you won't have sex with your husband but you'll do it with a complete stranger?
My wife is one of those who counts things. If she sees more towels in the dirty hamper than normal then she suspects that I'm "taking care of business." If we run out of lotion faster than normal then, again, she assumes. But it is summer and we're both wearing shorts and lotioning down more. I carry a back pack to work and I keep a small bottle of lotion in it so when my hands get dry I can lotion up. I also keep a small bottle of lotion in my truck for the same reason. No, I do not like being dry. Especially my hands. Anytime she's in my truck, and she knows I keep lotion in several places, she assumes I'm doing it in my truck or even at work. If she sees more dirty underwear in the hamper then she assumes I'm taking more showers than normal which in her mind means I've got a side piece somewhere and I'm just staying clean for her. It's even to the point to where we'll be sitting in the living room watching TV and when she's ready to go to bed I may say something like, "you go ahead, I wanna finish this show." She reads that I'm waiting on her to go to sleep so I can "take care of business." No, I just want to finish a show I'm watching. In her eyes, we have to go to bed together so she can know I'm not doing anything without her. She feels that a husband or wife should have to do that with a spouse in the house. I guess that's cheating to her. Ok, but what if your spouse doesn't want to do anything? Yes, she's said it before, "a woman shouldn't have to do that when she's got a husband." I can't say for sure if she's ever masturbated since we've been together but just knowing what I know about her she probably hasn't.
So this puts a totally different spin on things. Your problem is much bigger than lost desire. From what you said in the bolded parts it seems pretty clear to me that there is a trust/control issue between the two of you. She is counting and accusing because she suspects not just that you are taking matters into your own hand but actually having an affair.
She doesn't want to be intimate with you because she doesn't trust or respect you. If you want to stay married you really should see a marriage counselor and work some of these issues out.
The idea of he having kids was gone long time ago. We met some 20 years ago and she had already had her tubes tied after she had her 2nd son. That son is now going on 25 years old. The idea of non-sexual touching we already do. We'll get in bed and I'll cuddle with her at night and then we fall asleep. I know it's not going to lead to anything so I keep those feelings at bay. What I don't fully understand is that She's still hesitant to have sex but last night we were watching the latest episode of The Chi where 2 of the characters went to a sex party. They didn't participate but were working at it. She mentioned about us going to one. Ok, so you won't have sex with your husband but you'll do it with a complete stranger?
So, if you're lying in bed and cuddling, why can't it progress to "taking care of" each other at least? (I hate these terms but I'm trying to stay G-rated, lol.) That would be a start towards more intimacy.
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