Wife is afraid to have sex again! (advice, spouse, affair)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
She feels that she should be my only motivation. OR, she should be the only one xx xxx xx xxx (edited out by me), so to speak. I hope that doesn't get censored.
That depends entirely on the moderator in charge of this thread. Some of your prior posts (plus those who quoted you in depth) have already essentially been eviscerated, so anything is possible once TMI (too much information) is provided or unnecessary references made.
Thanks for the comments. It's difficult, I know. You can laugh with your wife, plan trips and vacations with her, do everything a husband is supposed to do but it still seems like it's not enough. Yes, we are currently in counseling at the moment so this will be brought up. Again, I'm not trying to force her into doing anything she's not ready for, however, she was the one who just a few days after her surgery she mentioned about us having a normal sex life again. She was the one who on last night made mention of a sex club because of a TV show we were watching. Saying it is one thing but doing it is something totally different. Her fear is something happening during sex. The surgery was 3 little incisions in her stomach to remove her uterus. I'm not a doctor nor do I know that much about medicine but I guess I'm looking at it this way. If they didn't do any surgery on her vagina then how are we possibly going to do any damage to it just by having sex.
she feels that she should be my only motivation. Or, she should be the only one to get me off, so to speak. I hope that doesn't get censored. Again, in her mind if you're married then your spouse should be the only one to stimulate you that way. Most men fantasize about every woman they know or see during any given time of the day. It doesn't mean we're cheating or even want to. We just find other women attractive other than our wives.
So she wants to be the gatekeeper of your sexuality, and your sexuality, even if you’re thinking about her, is inappropriate without her approval, which she doesn’t want to give and doesn’t show signs of ever wanting to give again. That’s abuse. That’s controlling.
I mean, she can decide what she wants to do with her body. If she says no sex, then it’s no sex. That’s certainly something to come to terms with relationship-wise, but it’s not abuse. Wanting total control over your body and your thoughts and your sexuality…that’s abusive.
I can even understand her not being comfortable with porn or even thoughts that aren’t of her. But what if you took efforts to allay those fears? What if, a cuddle session got you in the mood, you tried to see if she was receptive, and if she wasn’t, you took matters into your own hand while making it clear she was the one you were thinking of?
I honestly think porn on some levels is fine as long as it doesn't become an obsession. Yes, I look at it myself. She knows I do and she hates it. If I'm wrong with this next statement I apologize. But men don't fantasize about what they have. They fantasize about what they use to have, like an ex, or they fantasize about something they probably never will have, like a porn star or TV personality/celebrity. I do love my wife but right now she's not comfortable with us having sex, however, she wants to control what I do given that we're not doing anything ourselves.
Thanks for the comments. It's difficult, I know. You can laugh with your wife, plan trips and vacations with her, do everything a husband is supposed to do but it still seems like it's not enough. Yes, we are currently in counseling at the moment so this will be brought up. Again, I'm not trying to force her into doing anything she's not ready for, however, she was the one who just a few days after her surgery she mentioned about us having a normal sex life again. She was the one who on last night made mention of a sex club because of a TV show we were watching. Saying it is one thing but doing it is something totally different. Her fear is something happening during sex. The surgery was 3 little incisions in her stomach to remove her uterus. I'm not a doctor nor do I know that much about medicine but I guess I'm looking at it this way. If they didn't do any surgery on her vagina then how are we possibly going to do any damage to it just by having sex.
It's three incisions on the outside but they cut out a significant organ (one that is attached to that other one). It's still healing in there and may never be quite right, people can get adhesions or nerve damage after abdominal surgery. Some people feel more pelvic sensitivity than others after such surgery for a longer period of time.
I hate that doctors say that keeping the ovaries means you keep your hormones. There are hormone receptor cells all along the Fallopian tubes & into the uterus. If you remove the receptor cells, the "reasonable' hormone levels don't have any cells to receive them.
She's probably losing her libido now.
Oh, dear. I'm not going to derail this thread with Endocrinology and Female Reproduction 101, but the Fallopian tubes and the uterus are not the only places in the body affected by estrogen and other hormones.
The proof of this is that removing both ovaries throws a woman into a sudden, drastic, medical menopause, whereas a hysterectomy without oophrectomy (ovary removal) does not. Further proof is that hysterectomy alone does not lower the risk of breast cancer, but oophrectomy (without hormone replacement therapy) does, whether a woman keeps her uterus or not.
The idea of he having kids was gone long time ago. We met some 20 years ago and she had already had her tubes tied after she had her 2nd son. That son is now going on 25 years old. The idea of non-sexual touching we already do. We'll get in bed and I'll cuddle with her at night and then we fall asleep. I know it's not going to lead to anything so I keep those feelings at bay. What I don't fully understand is that She's still hesitant to have sex but last night we were watching the latest episode of The Chi where 2 of the characters went to a sex party. They didn't participate but were working at it. She mentioned about us going to one. Ok, so you won't have sex with your husband but you'll do it with a complete stranger?
I do think from everything you have described that you need marriage counseling. It appears she doesn't trust you. You may not have done anything for her to suspect you, but that is what you're working with regardless.
Now a painful question: Is it possible that she is having an affair or doing other things that she is accusing you of? I say this not to sow further discord, but because sometimes, if one spouse has done nothing to earn distrust, but the other accuses, it is because the accuser is doing something mistrustful themselves.
Please process that and let it sit for a moment before approaching her about it.
Maybe it is something physical - depending how much weight the OP and his wife are trying to lose for their upcoming event. She may be working out at the gym, but is she pressing 200lbs or more?
Maybe she was raised with a Victorian Era attitude towards a man's private parts, and has no understanding of how they work, thinking not having sex is something a man can just do, like deciding not to have a popsicle one afternoon, so he shouldn't relieve himself even though his body will eventually do it for him if nothing else does.
... Maybe she was raised with a Victorian Era attitude towards a man's private parts, and has no understanding of how they work, thinking not having sex is something a man can just do, like deciding not to have a popsicle one afternoon, so he shouldn't relieve himself even though his body will eventually do it for him if nothing else does.
Since she is a married woman, I believe it is safe to conclude that she has more than an adequate understanding of the male anatomy and how the private parts function. By the way, thank you for the popsicle comparison ... a welcome moment of levity can help most threads, especially this one.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
