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"Fast forward to 2 days before his move-in day, he calls me freaking out and crying saying that he doesn't want to move that far away and that he's so stressed out and confused. I naturally ask him if this has to do with the relationship and he said "I don't know". He said that he still loves me but over the summer he started to feel like he was "falling out of love with me" and felt like we were just best friends. I told him that over the course of long-term relationships it's normal to feel like that sometimes, especially during big life stressors. Love is a choice, not a feeling. On top of that, he mentioned that during all of this he started to develop a crush on this girl that he has been acquainted with and that this crush has been confusing him even more. Now I've had my fair share of crushes during the relationship, so I have no problems with that as long as he hasn't crossed any boundaries. He swears that he hasn't cheated and honestly, I believe him. We agreed for him to move in and we would give it a shot and work on our relationship.
I thought Seija shared a lot of wisdom in her post...except what I bolded.
Maybe it's just a difference in personalities...but if my boyfriend of 7 years shared such news with me, I would've cut him loose soooo fast. "Oh, you have a crush on someone else, and you're CONFUSED on if you love me or not? Well, let me make it easy for you. We're done. Explore your options or don't, I don't care. We're done. Bye bye."
I would be the same, though I do wonder if he moved to put himself out of temptation's way.
You know...to me, all this...it's something he should talk to his mother or father about. Not his GF.
His expectation that she'll just wait out his indecision regarding HER makes me angry. Or rather, if I were her, it would make me angry.
I can understand his indecision, EXCEPT where it comes to HER. Whether he loves her or not, and telling her he has a crush on someone else, and what do I do??? Whaaaa!
"Dude, here's what you do. You turn your skinny little butt around and go back out that door. It's over. You burned your bridge."
You know...to me, all this...it's something he should talk to his mother or father about. Not his GF.
His expectation that she'll just wait out his indecision regarding HER makes me angry. Or rather, if I were her, it would make me angry.
I can understand his indecision, EXCEPT where it comes to HER. Whether he loves her or not, and telling her he has a crush on someone else, and what do I do??? Whaaaa!
"Dude, here's what you do. You turn your skinny little butt around and go back out that door. It's over. You burned your bridge."
This is a good point--although now I wonder if he was trying to get her to break up with him by saying that.
Everyone has sort of glossed over this thing about the crush.
I have no idea what he is thinking. However, the "fear of the unfamiliar" feels like an excuse. It's the sort of thing where someone says that, and the relationship ends, and then you find out that they met someone and went backpacking through the Himalayas together.
We broke up. He said he needed to take a few days to go back to our hometown to "clear his head" and during that time I made this post. When talking with family and friends I realized that this situation has uncovered some traits (immaturity, not following through with commitment, how he deals with stress in general, etc.) that I do not want in a partner. When he came back from his "break" he said that he thinks we should break up because he doesn't feel the same as he used to and thinks we are at two different maturity levels and stages in life. He is absolutely right - he said his priority is his friends and hobbies, not a relationship, and that he'd rather move back in with his parents. I'm at the stage where I'm been living on my own for 3 years and I'm starting my career. I'm settling into adulthood.
Although I'm devastated about this loss, I know that he is not the kind of man I want to be with, and this situation made that very clear to me. Thank you all for your advice.
I'm sorry ineedadvice. I know it's painful, but on the other hand, now it's over and done, and you can look forward with no regrets and no immature little boys to worry about.
Just from reading your thread title, I say, tell that _____ to get to stepping on then! The moment a man doesn't want his lady anymore, she shouldn't want him either. And the woman sure shouldn't be all crying, begging, & asking him why this, why that, etc. (I'm not saying you did). A man doesn't need to tell me twice if he says (or shows like by cheating) that he doesn't want me anymore. I'd be DONE!
You give him 7 yrs of your life & he suddenly does this?! Such a shame.
Quote:
Originally Posted by _ineedadvice
Update:
We broke up. He said he needed to take a few days to go back to our hometown to "clear his head" and during that time I made this post. When talking with family and friends I realized that this situation has uncovered some traits (immaturity, not following through with commitment, how he deals with stress in general, etc.) that I do not want in a partner. When he came back from his "break" he said that he thinks we should break up because he doesn't feel the same as he used to and thinks we are at two different maturity levels and stages in life. He is absolutely right - he said his priority is his friends and hobbies, not a relationship, and that he'd rather move back in with his parents. I'm at the stage where I'm been living on my own for 3 years and I'm starting my career. I'm settling into adulthood.
Although I'm devastated about this loss, I know that he is not the kind of man I want to be with, and this situation made that very clear to me. Thank you all for your advice.
(Didn't see your update yet when I had posted above, but I still wanted to say it._)
My boyfriend (24 M) and I (24 F) have been together for 7 years. We both agreed that we were ready to move in together this year because we have been talking about marriage and our future for the past few years. We both just graduated college and I had plans to do an internship and he had plans to do some extra schooling that he needs get his dream job. I agreed to chose my location for the internship based on where his college is (~2 hours away), because I have the flexibility to choose locations.
Unfortunately he did not get accepted into his college and meanwhile, I did get accepted to mine. The plan was for us to move to this new city for 1 year for me to complete my internship and then move back to our hometown. Since my internship started in May and his lease ended in August, I would move in May and he would move in September.
Throughout the summer he visited me a lot and periodically would mention how he's scared to move here. He's never been good with change/moving forward and was worried that he would miss what he was leaving behind. I reassured him that it was only for a short time for me to complete my internship and that he would feel much better once he got here.
Fast forward to 2 days before his move-in day, he calls me freaking out and crying saying that he doesn't want to move that far away and that he's so stressed out and confused. I naturally ask him if this has to do with the relationship and he said "I don't know". He said that he still loves me but over the summer he started to feel like he was "falling out of love with me" and felt like we were just best friends. I told him that over the course of long-term relationships it's normal to feel like that sometimes, especially during big life stressors. Love is a choice, not a feeling. On top of that, he mentioned that during all of this he started to develop a crush on this girl that he has been acquainted with and that this crush has been confusing him even more. Now I've had my fair share of crushes during the relationship, so I have no problems with that as long as he hasn't crossed any boundaries. He swears that he hasn't cheated and honestly, I believe him. We agreed for him to move in and we would give it a shot and work on our relationship.
2 weeks in I felt like things were getting better but he came to me and said he still isn't feeling much better and doesn't know what to do. His new job schedule conflicts with mine and we have hardly any time to see each other. He also doesn't get to see his family or friends anymore or do the hobbies that he used to do back home. He said he's feeling really depressed and doesn't want to be here. I have a feeling that all the stress of not getting into the school, moving in with me for the first time, and relocation is causing him to feel this depression. I know that depression can cause your feelings for your partner to be dampened but at the same time I don't know if I'm making excuses and have blinders on. I got quite upset when he said that he still was feeling this confused and basically told him that now I'm unsure about being with him, because I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. He then completely switches his attitude and says that he doesn't want to lose me and that he's going to try and fix things by getting a new job and finding hobbies here.
In my mind, being unwilling to make the sacrifice of living here for 9 months with me while I further my career shows immaturity, especially since the whole reason I'm in this city is for him! I'm worried that this will happen again, as don't know if I want to be with someone who questions the relationship every time they're faced with a big life stressor. But at the same time, if he's feeling this depressed being here, maybe it's too much of a sacrifice for him and I'm being unreasonable? I am so confused if this behaviour is normal or a red flag for the future.
Sorry if this is all over the place, my brain is kind of all over the place right now.
TLDR; BF (24 M) feels like he's started to fall out of love with me (24 F) during a big life change (getting rejected from school, moving 2 hours away, moving in with GF for the first time) and he's questioning if he wants to stay here or move back home. We've been together 7 years. Is this a red flag?
BIG RED FLAG! He's falling out of love because he really doesn't know what he is. Maybe you do, but he doesn't. Do both of yourselves a favor. Let his ass go. If it's meant to be, your paths will cross again. Any man that's ready to be a man to someone he loves will go through great lengths to make it happen under any circumstance. Sometimes, the attempts can border on downright silly, but you'll know it's real. Your boyfriend is not ready.
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