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Why can't it be an honest and heartfelt conversation about how his behavior is making her feel? Ultimately, if your partner/spouse wants to leave (for whatever reason), there is not much you can do to stop it.
Like tamajane said, no playing games.
No one said OP shouldn't tell her husband how she feels or that she should play games.
Where did you get that idea?
Several people suggested OP invite the woman and her husband to dinner and OP said she said she discussed it with them both and her husband agreed.
OP is trying to deal with a situation she's not completely sure about.
Ultimatums and simplistic "put her foot down" advice aren't what she's asking for nor are they helpful.
If you want to do something that's fine, go do it.
But that's not what is necessarily good for someone else.
Why can't it be an honest and heartfelt conversation about how his behavior is making her feel? Ultimately, if your partner/spouse wants to leave (for whatever reason), there is not much you can do to stop it.
Like tamajane said, no playing games.
I'll kind of echo what RubyandPearl said.
Look through this thread and others on similar topics. Some people say that it's perfectly fine for men and women to be friends if married. Some people say it's fine if the friendship predates the marriage. And some people say it's not cool at all. So there's clearly no consensus on the topic.
What there does tend to be consensus on is that most people don't like irrational jealousy in their relationships. I'm not saying that OP is being irrationally jealous, and I tend to believe that if intuition is telling you something there's a decent chance it's well-founded. But, as humans, there are times that our emotions lead us down a path of irrationality.
All OP is doing is trying to find out if her feelings are justified, aka not to be a jealous nag if there really isn't a need to be. Just because we experience an emotion doesn't necessarily mean it's an emotion we "should" be feeling.
It doesn't feel like "playing games" to me. It seems that OP is trying to obtain more information--something that all humans would be wise to do instead of just immediately emotionally reacting--before a full-scale confrontation with the husband.
The act of simply asking for the dinner can shed a lot of light here. If the husband declined and was cagey about it, that would certainly be a red flag. Most people that are having physical and/or emotional affairs want to keep that private as that tends to be their escape from the problems of the marriage. That is, of course, not to say that affairs don't happen right under partners' noses, but this isn't someone OP already knows and is acquainted with. It wouldn't have been too difficult for OP's husband to find an easy way out of this. But he isn't.
The dinner itself will give OP the chance to see face-to-face what the interaction/dynamic is really like between her husband and the female friend. Sure, some people would be capable of playing that interaction cool if something more nefarious were going on, but lots aren't. Either way, OP will be able to make a more informed decision on what to do. Lots of posters here are telling OP to come in guns-a-blazin', while OP is trying to figure out if she needs to draw the gun at all. I mean, it's just one dinner people.
I don't think it's always to hurt the spouse, but I do think you are right in the fact that they do it because they know they won't be there to face the fallout, and I imagine part of it is guilt for years of promising the mistress "I will leave my wife when the right moment comes around" knowing he never would.
That makes sense. What an awful situation to be in. Awful for everyone all around.
I'm sure this is a story as old as time but my husband has a female friend that is married and they talk all the time. Text pretty much everyday and occassionaly talk on the phone. It's not a one way street either. She'll reach out and he'll do the same.
He was on a work trip last month and he talked to her more than he talked to me. This basically started 4 months ago and we all have been out with each other a few times. I can't imagine her husband likes it either.
I did look through their texts and there is nothing sexual there. He doesn't delete them. He acknolwedges that they talk alot but they're just friends. He has one male friend that he texts almost just as frequently.
I don't want to be jealous but how can I not be when this woman gets more attention from my husband than me. Am I just being paranoid? Can friendships like that exist without eventually ending up in bed?
That's an emotional affair. They are at risk of going physical - just so you know.
Thanks for all these responses, many of which are really thought out and give me some ideas/insight.
We haven’t scheduled an outing yet mostly because we’ll be out of town this weekend but We have something tentative the week after but I’m not even sure I want to.
I struggle with some of the points that have been brought up. The idea of men and women being friends is clearly a divisive one. Many on here believe that a man would never befriend a woman and always wants sex, others say that if the man is attractive then the woman may want something similar.
I don’t know what to make of it all. The texting hasn’t stopped. If they go one day without texting each other, they more than make up for it the next. I have no interest in texting another man with half the things they talk about it. Some on here say that women are less likely to be sexual with their male friends but I can’t believe that a woman will sit and text a man over the course of a day (numerous texts) without once thinking about it. I don’t think she has pure intentions and I’m starting to believe my husband doesn’t either. Maybe they’ll never follow through but like some say, emotionally it’s becoming an affair.
Thanks for all these responses, many of which are really thought out and give me some ideas/insight.
We haven’t scheduled an outing yet mostly because we’ll be out of town this weekend but We have something tentative the week after but I’m not even sure I want to.
I struggle with some of the points that have been brought up. The idea of men and women being friends is clearly a divisive one. Many on here believe that a man would never befriend a woman and always wants sex, others say that if the man is attractive then the woman may want something similar.
I don’t know what to make of it all. The texting hasn’t stopped. If they go one day without texting each other, they more than make up for it the next. I have no interest in texting another man with half the things they talk about it. Some on here say that women are less likely to be sexual with their male friends but I can’t believe that a woman will sit and text a man over the course of a day (numerous texts) without once thinking about it. I don’t think she has pure intentions and I’m starting to believe my husband doesn’t either. Maybe they’ll never follow through but like some say, emotionally it’s becoming an affair.
I think your instincts are spot on. This is an emotional affair that will turn into a physical affair soon, if it hasn’t already.
I think your instincts are spot on. This is an emotional affair that will turn into a physical affair soon, if it hasn’t already.
I think meeting her will just open up a bigger can of worms. No matter what happens the OP still cannot know for certain the womans motivations, many people are good actors. For some it is a game of sorts.
I think meeting her will just open up a bigger can of worms. No matter what happens the OP still cannot know for certain the womans motivations, many people are good actors. For some it is a game of sorts.
I agree. The OP's issue is with her husband, not the woman. Why is the husband spending hours texting another woman/coworker daily? That needs to be addressed, not participating in some elaborate dinner scheme under the guise of friendship.
It shouldn't matter if he's "happy" at home or not, he's married and he needs to act like it. If he's "unhappy" at home, he should leave, get the divorce and be chatty patty with anyone he wants.
I agree. The OP's issue is with her husband, not the woman. Why is the husband spending hours texting another woman/coworker daily? That needs to be addressed, not participating in some elaborate dinner scheme under the guise of friendship.
I agree, I wouldn't do it either. I think trying to befriend the woman will look like permission for the husband and his "friend" to be together.
Earlier it seemed like OP was going to try to do as others suggested and have the other couple to dinner. If that's what she decided to do so be it. She could observe the two "friends" together in person then.
Now it seems she's having second thoughts about taking that course as her husband's thoughtless reckless behavior continues.
If it were me in this uncertain situation in my marriage, beyond expressing concern to my husband simply at the amount of time he devotes to communicating daily with this woman, I would do nothing.
What is there to do? One adult can't compell or command another adult to do something. The husband is his own man, he knows what he's doing. He doesn't care how his wife feels.
OP must decide if her husband's behavior is acceptable to her. There's always the possibility his crush will fade. And that's what I think it is, a crush on this woman. But there's also the possibility his crush will deepen and lead to more serious feelings.
The uncertainty is a tough way to live.
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