My Husband's Friendship with a Married Woman (wife, marriage, women)

[isabelmarie2010]

I'm sure this is a story as old as time but my husband has a female friend that is married and they talk all the time. Text pretty much everyday and occassionaly talk on the phone. It's not a one way street either. She'll reach out and he'll do the same.
He was on a work trip last month and he talked to her more than he talked to me. This basically started 4 months ago and we all have been out with each other a few times. I can't imagine her husband likes it either.
I did look through their texts and there is nothing sexual there. He doesn't delete them. He acknolwedges that they talk alot but they're just friends. He has one male friend that he texts almost just as frequently.

I don't want to be jealous but how can I not be when this woman gets more attention from my husband than me. Am I just being paranoid? Can friendships like that exist without eventually ending up in bed?

[rrah]

I don't think you're being paranoid or jealous. He's giving her emotional energy and time that he should be giving to you. One line really stood out to me: "He talked to her more than he talked to me" while on his work trip. He's stealing from you and your marriage in a way.

Affairs don't often begin with the intention of having an affair. It slowly creeps up on two people that put themselves in this kind of situation. They stop confiding in their partner and start confiding in the "friend" more and more. It often begins as an emotional affair and eventually a physical affair. They start telling the other person things that should be shared with their partner and begin to see their partner in a negative light more and more. It sounds like they have both opened a door that would allow the other to walk in and cause chaos in your marriage if left open.

Why did this start 4 months ago? What do they text and talk about? Is it the same type of things he talks with his male friend about?

Ask him why he's not sharing these things with you. As his spouse you need to be his priority. BTW--you do know there are ways they can text or communicate incognito right? Texts can be deleted. My thinking is it's time for an honest conversation about it. I'm guessing his reaction will minimize the possibility. Ask him if he'd leave a box with a million dollars out on the sidewalk for someone to steal. He doesn't plan on it being stolen, but it might be. Right now he's walking that box out to the sidewalk.

[isabelmarie2010]

Originally Posted by rrah

Why did this start 4 months ago? What do they text and talk about? Is it the same type of things he talks with his male friend about?

They work together and had some big project and that basically made them realize that they have a lot in common. They talk about work, life, people at work, gossip. Stuff that you talk to your friends about and doesn't give me pause for concern. But they also reassure each other. As a woman reading her texts to him, I feel that she likes him. But I also don't know. Women tend to have male friends they're not romantically interested in and I know that isn't the same case with men.
I have passively aggressively told him that he just can't stop talking to her and he just says "yeah, we're friends". My husband is still a good looking guy and very funny. He makes laugh all the time.
Our relationship, like most, isn't what it was in the beginning. I feel like he's getting this spark from her.

[reneeh63]

Interesting....I'm a woman who had a work friend (male) who was married. We talked ALL the time...turned out he was gay and ended up getting a divorce. We still talk all the time...ha.

[Teacher Terry]

These type of things start innocently but often turn into emotional affairs. Someone new paying attention is exciting in a way a long term marriage can’t maintain. Sometimes they also turn into a actual affair. It’s definitely a threat to a marriage.

[Crazee Cat Lady]

You are not wrong to be upset or jealous.

And his first priority should be you and your feelings.

[Cmusic29]

Originally Posted by isabelmarie2010

Can friendships like that exist without eventually ending up in bed?

Very immature way to look at the situation.

Yes, as if this needs to be stated, it is possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex.

You probably are being too jealous, even if you are trying not to be. Sit down with him, share how you feel in a non-judgemental, patient, calm manner.

Originally Posted by isabelmarie2010

Women tend to have male friends they're not romantically interested in and I know that isn't the same case with men.

Yes it is. Where do you get these ideas from?

[srjth]

This is why I prefer loners and anti-social guys

[MinivanDriver]

I have women friends. I have women friends with whom I have long conversations. I've had business dealings with women, traveled on biz with women for as long as two weeks, dined and had drinks with women. In fact, there are a couple of women friends that have become better friends with my wife than they have with me. But, yeah, this kind of seems iffy.

Personally, I think in workplaces where men and women work together, these kinds of friendships become inevitable over time. However, self-awareness is always important. So there are a couple of ground rules that friendships between married men and women need to follow.

1) You can't be besties, to use a term I hate. Nothing comes between you and your spouse in terms of emotional connection.

2) This question has to be omnipresent: "Would I be having this conversation if my spouse were standing next to me?" If the answer is, 'No,' then you know not to say it.

[augiedogie]

Op, you will need to try to make your marriage a happy one, in and out of the bedroom. Most men have no interest in keeping a wife and a lover happy at the same time. If he's happy at home, he probably will want to keep his relationship with the other woman friendly and thats it. But if he becomes unhappy at home, that could change things.