Need advice, maybe slapped in the head (girl, single, therapy)

[Dylan31]

1. Do you love her?
2. Does she love you?
3. Does she live with you because of financial support?
4. Do you want to save the marriage?
5. Does she want to keep the marriage?

[Ghobi]

You aren’t married, right? Just make preparations and leave. I do not know why you haven't already.

You seem to have codependent tendencies. Even if she pretends to be nice, she has done unforgiveably callous, selfish things. Abusive and why have you put up with it?

[Lost2112]

Thanks all. First, I will address some of these questions. No Im not mentally ill. I have my own therapist. I went to a psychiatrist as well who gave me a clean bill. My doctor recommended a therapist during my divorce. I stayed with her, and now I have one for the hope to fix this relationship.

I have hung in this relationship cause I love her, also to provide for her youngest. So despite not my responsibility. Combined there are 5 kids. Of that she only has one still at home as do I. Both shared between their respective parents. Her working 40 hrs and my 60/70 was a comparison to hours worked not parenting. Like her, in my marriage, I was the parent who poired everything into my kids and was with them all hrs of the day and night. Their Mom was wonderful but in a different way. She cooked and cleaned like me but she watched tv while I was out with my kids. Trust me I in no way indicated Mothers dont have a full time job as a parent as well, but so do good fathers. So if you pulled away I dont credit a mothers job, I apologize. I just want to be clear there are fathers that can be equally as involved.

I know I have enabled her. I know my own faults in this. I know I can only blame myself for still being in this relationship. But when you love someone and are good to them, you will exhaust every resource you can in hopes of fixing what you can. Eventually you come to a point where I am now. You have changed things in yourself to hopefully be a better person to them but when you lose who you are and are constantly the wrong one. When nothing pleases them and your constantly mentally abused. You reach out for outside opinions.

Its the great quality in good people. We may not kkow the other person but we may have been in something similar. We get their advice and experience. We go from then. I agree, you only are hearing my side. But I tell you I dont look, I dont check out, I dont comment on other woman. I have only ever treated her like gold. I put everything into this cause I really thought she was the one. She was my high school crush. She was to me the most everything or so I had hoped. But dreams can also be nightmares and sadly I never thought this would be the case.

I would rather be alone and happy if there is no fixing this. I am 47. I can honestly say that if the true end result is to get out, then I will never most likely ever want another relationship again. Yeah I kmow that is common at first. No one kkows the future. I only ever just wanted a family and someone to grow old witb happily. I feel I have failed. I know I tried but obviously Ive made wrong choices.

With that, I thank you all for the comments. Im strong enough to hear the abrupt but honest ones, and thank you. I appreciate the kind ones too. Its what I needed. Its why I found this site and out myself out there. I needed all sorts of thoughts and views.

Thank you all so much!!!

I think its clear to suck it up and slowly pack up. Get out when I find a place to be on my own. Oh and sorry for my type os, a phone is hard to type all this lol!

[K12144]

Why do you love her? What do you love about her? The fact that you carried a torch for her for two decades and considered her "the girl of your dreams" (IOW, were in love with an idea of her)? Or the person you used to think she was, and you've forgotten the person she actually is? What is in this relationship for you?

What happens if you break your lease? If you're both on the lease, can you leave and she stays? There is no "if" about whether you need to move out.

[Florida2014]

Getting out of a lease may cost money but it's entirely possible. Nothing in this world is more important than your physical and mental well-being and it sounds like the mental part is suffering right now due to this very, very unstable person. And that can (and likely will) lead to physical ailments due to stress.

Break the lease, pay the penalties, move on with your life. Life is too short to waste with head-cases like this.

[Forever Blue]

Originally Posted by E-Twist

Is she on the lease, too? If not can you get her to leave. If not it looks like you suck it up until July. Statistically it's unlikely your couples counseling will work. Is it possible she needs medication for her moods? You might as well quit trying to please her - it's not possible...

The above is pretty much everything I was going to say.

Originally Posted by Lost2112

...I think its clear to suck it up and slowly pack up. Get out when I find a place to be on my own. Oh and sorry for my type os, a phone is hard to type all this lol!

Firstly, I'll say GOOD, yes break up for sure! HS crush, first love, or whatever she was, that was in the past. She's not the right person. Who wants some moody, cranky person who find fault in EVERYTHING & is never in a good mood? You say you've been dating for 5 yrs. There's no way she was all nice & good, then sudenly after all those 5 yrs, she became like everything you said in your OP. So you've been in denial & I', sure there were red flags.

Forget counseling. You guys aren't even married yet (good thing!) & she just seems too much trouble than what it's worth. Just break up. I didn't read your other long posts to know if you said the counseling was helping or not.

You ended a long, miserable marriage. You surely don't want this.

[Lost2112]

Thanks. You pretty much nailed it. Yes there were red flags in the first year. It has become progressively worse over each year with the last 2 being this bad. This year she has even become physical a couple times punching me all over. When she wound up to try and cold club me in the face, I stopped her arm. I told her I can handle arms and chest and it isnt right but the moment you hit my face I walk.

Your right, I dont want to put up with it anymore. I guess I needed outside opinions to help wake me to the truths and stop hiding in the “hope”.

Counseling did seem to work at first but the counselor told her stop using the past and stop saying You this or you that”. It actually was helping heal us. But she couldn’t maintain it and now is back at it. I brought it up and she said “ph F the counselor, she doesnt know everything”. So cleary that shows me she doesnt care about the counseling either.

Im going to move on. Just need to get my stuff organized and find a place and then Im going to let her know. She already knows Im not signing the lease again. Now its just a matter of finding a new home for me

[ndcairngorm]

Actions, not words, my friend. Let us know when you have put all these suggestions into place (at least the moving out part)

[Lost2112]

Will do, and thank you! I wouldnt waste your time or mine otherwise. I greatly appreciate everyones input.

[Terryj]

Lost, I can understand what you are going through, your relationship was similar to mine. Love is a two way street, you can put all your effort into trying to save a relationship because you love her, however, if she is indifferent to your efforts then nothing you do will help. The next step in this relationship will most likely end up in a physical abuse situation, you need to end this and remove yourself from this relationship before anything physical happens, believe me, I've been there. Once you are free of your self imposed hell then you can just take a breath of fresh air, assess your life and move forward.