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Not much you can do. You can't twist her arm; both have to be on board and if not then it's not going to work. Her strategy sounds a little iffy to me. When I met my husband online, I had, had, had to meet him in person. I'm sorry but sometimes things do not carry over from online into person; at least, you really shouldn't count on it absolutely. I'm thankful it did with my husband and I, but until we met I absolutely did not consider us "together" at all--since we didn't even meet in person yet! Like I said online relationships are just that--they're *online*. In a dating relationship, the two have to actually like physically be together. Online just seems a sham up till then. But that's me; others may see if differently.
As hard as it may be for you, if you really do want to possibly move forward in this relationship, then it sounds like you'll have to wait the 4.whatever months until you guys can meet. Unless you (and she's okay with it) can travel out to meet her in Texas for a few days or a week or whatever.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it really does seem to me that you are into her way more than she is into you. And the "in case something happens" sounds like she's leaving room open to meet someone else too; not sure what else that can mean (especially since when I reread your message, I saw that the place wants her in Texas full-time. So it's not like she's waiting until May to see if she has to stay there, which would have been something else which "something" that can happen can mean). I just wouldn't have been able to put my feelings on hold for 4-5 months when I met my husband online (the four-month wait from July to the end of October was bad enough). I was already madly in love with him, just needed to know if it was all in my head or if it actually could work out in person.
So the way I see it you either just go along with how she wants it to be and wait until May or just end any possibility of it now. I really don't see much other options for you, but maybe some others on here have better advice for you.
Edit--you got some good advice that points you basically in the direction of ending it; that sounds like the most realistic option to me. I think what you wrote sounds perfect. See what she does with it. If I had to make a bet, it would be that she agrees; but you'll never know until you tell her.
Last edited by Basiliximab; 12-29-2021 at 08:12 PM..
Not much you can do. You can't twist her arm; both have to be on board and if not then it's not going to work. Her strategy sounds a little iffy to me. When I met my husband online, I had, had, had to meet him in person. I'm sorry but sometimes things do not carry over from online into person; at least, you really shouldn't count on it absolutely. I'm thankful it did with my husband and I, but until we met I absolutely did not consider us "together" at all--since we didn't even meet in person yet! Like I said online relationships are just that--they're *online*. In a dating relationship, the two have to actually like physically be together. Online just seems a sham up till then. But that's me; others may see if differently.
As hard as it may be for you, if you really do want to possibly move forward in this relationship, then it sounds like you'll have to wait the 4.whatever months until you guys can meet. Unless you (and she's okay with it) can travel out to meet her in Texas for a few days or a week or whatever.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it really does seem to me that you are into her way more than she is into you. And the "in case something happens" sounds like she's leaving room open to meet someone else too; not sure what else that can mean (especially since when I reread your message, I saw that the place wants her in Texas full-time. So it's not like she's waiting until May to see if she has to stay there, which would have been something else which "something" that can happen can mean). I just wouldn't have been able to put my feelings on hold for 4-5 months when I met my husband online (the four-month wait from July to the end of October was bad enough). I was already madly in love with him, just needed to know if it was all in my head or if it actually could work out in person.
So the way I see it you either just go along with how she wants it to be and wait until May or just end any possibility of it now. I really don't see much other options for you, but maybe some others on here have better advice for you.
Edit--you got some good advice that points you basically in the direction of ending it; that sounds like the most realistic option to me. I think what you wrote sounds perfect. See what she does with it. If I had to make a bet, it would be that she agrees; but you'll never know until you tell her.
I do understand very clearly that relationships do not truly start until we meet in person, Ive had enough relationships under my belt to know that. Still, with that being said, as we talked for the 4 months, every single day, the chemistry, the feelings, on both parties seemed there. I understand she never planned to move to Texas of course, so that got in the way.
Its just cruel to ask me to wait 5 months being her 'Friend' knowing full well I like her beyond that. I still dont understand the reason behind her, we've talked well enough now that I feel confident that it's not another man, or guy shes talking to. (Again, we can all be wrong) But I do not think that is it, at least currently.
From what I gathered over the phone, I seem to have hurt her, like, when she told me the news, I feel I disappointed her and didn't support her when she needed it, rather I focused on US, and she said it sounded like I was dismissing our relationship the moment she goes to Texas. So she's protecting herself, building a wall, to avoid being hurt, and that she did say 'Actions speak louder than words' so it sounds like, until we MEET physically, she doesn't want to invest herself so hard in case things dont work out I guess.
I'm not an idiot, I do understand that online relationships arent truly real until you meet, that's fair. But we do have a genuine connection, the countless video calls we've done and talked over, definitely something at least.
Maybe Im giving into hope too much, I feel like if she really wanted to be DONE, she'd be done, and just cut everything. I asked her flat out a week ago, if she wanted to be friends permanently and she said no, she plans on doing things with in May.
It's just, oddly backwards, and like you said I feel like I'm more invested than she is. I feel like if we wanted to build something, build it now, meet in May, see how we both feel, go from there. But thats me.
I think this is a case where you need to get out and have some fresh air rather than being introverted inside. Fantasies are just great in their place, but not in the real world where fantasies are for Mills & Boon books. So, you have had some good advice from other posters, now - are you going to accept that you are over-thinking this whole thing in your head.
You could have been a distraction for her while she was away. Realistically, how likely is it that you will get together if SHE does not come to YOU. If things were reversed, would you give up your job and go to her? I doubt it. Maybe she wants her own career and wants to be a career woman and she sees the opportunities greater in Texas than in PA.
I think this is a case where you need to get out and have some fresh air rather than being introverted inside. Fantasies are just great in their place, but not in the real world where fantasies are for Mills & Boon books. So, you have had some good advice from other posters, now - are you going to accept that you are over-thinking this whole thing in your head.
You could have been a distraction for her while she was away. Realistically, how likely is it that you will get together if SHE does not come to YOU. If things were reversed, would you give up your job and go to her? I doubt it. Maybe she wants her own career and wants to be a career woman and she sees the opportunities greater in Texas than in PA.
Unless I missed it, OP hasn't said if he would be willing to quit his job and relocate to Texas. He hasn't thrown that out as an option; I wonder why not.
No one has asked this yet, but why not take a week and go visit her in TX to finally meet her in person? I mean, if there was truly such a "deep" relationship formed, why hasn't that been brought up yet? Then you will both have the ability to 100% gauge where your feelings are with respect to each other and go from there.
My gut tells me you probably reacted very poorly to this news and she got scared off and now probably feels as though you are a bit psycho-ish. I'm guessing you've been texting repeatedly trying hard to hang onto this pretend relationship and she's just not into playing such games. I could be wrong but the tone of your posts here suggests you are a bit desperate and women can smell desperation a mile away and it's a HUGE turnoff.
Oh dude, you're going through where I, and other guys, have been: holding out hope that the woman that you're into will be there at the end of the tunnel. I hate to sound like a downer, but she's not coming back. I hope I'm wrong because in rare exceptions it does happen. Unfortunately, in most cases, it never results in the guy getting the girl. And if she's putting up boundaries, that's another indicator to move on. Is there a possibility you'll hear from her again? Yeah, but will you actually see her in person? Based on what you've said, the odds are extremely slim to none.
I'm usually pretty harsh on here when it comes to these certain women on here holding out hope that their bad boys that they're interested in will come back, but I have to be fair and say that men can be the same way with women that are establishing restrictions and dictating what they are allowed and not allowed to do. What's bad is these men allow these women to do that and treat them like utter garbage. Sadder yet, they're good guys, and what ends up happening to them is they either become depressed, sad, bitter, resentful, or a combination. It's not like them at all, but what they think is so long as they keep that woman happy, that's all that matters. What about their own happiness? Have they considered that, or their relationship with friends, family, co-workers, and people around them?
See, I don't buy the narrative of "happy wife, happy life" because it's not true. Sure the wife might be happy, but not the husband. The same can be applied to a bf/gf relationship. If you're not happy as a guy and you're doing everything you can to keep your woman satisfied, you're nothing more than a slave to her will, and even then it's not enough for these kind of women. What happens, more often than not, they're really not interested in the guys they set rules and restrictions on. The men they're actually attracted to are the ones they not only have real fun with but also sleep with them. They do that behind the back and in the cover of darkness of the guy they're in a relationship with. It gets worse because these men that are cheated on make EXCUSES for the woman that did the dirty deed, and the most common one is that the guy did something wrong like he didn't satisfy their partner's needs. That's bulls#!t, and the blame should be solely on the woman, not the guy she's supposedly in a relationship with.
Now, I'm not saying this kind of guy is you, but I can say that this woman you talked to probably is done. If a woman says 'just be friends' in some matter, it's time to move on from her. I'm not saying wreck a friendship, but rather if you're looking for a woman to be with, she's not it. I'm sorry, man, but she's never going to meet you in person because no intention of doing so. However, let me offer you advice, and I think this will help:
-Get off the dating apps. Whichever ones you're on, deactivate your accounts with them. They no longer benefit normal men like you and me. Most women on there, anymore, are looking for the guys that are in the top 5-10%. What does that mean? Well, it's the men who have the best looks, a crap ton of money, own a giant house, tall, physically built, and have other accessories (beards, tattoos, etc.). Most importantly, they want these men to be bad boys. To sum them up, if you ever heard of these kind of men referred to as Chad, that's an easier way to remember them. It's a dog whistle to many of these women, but in their minds, these type of men are their all in all. Typically, though, they can never get them, but if they do, they get hurt badly, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and, in some cases, physically. These men have no interest in them, but these women will go after them. Even if they did hook up with them and it was called off, they'll never let go of Chad. I dated a woman like that and it was to the the freakin' tee of what I just said about Chad. So don't waste your time on dating apps/sites. You'll be spinning your wheels.
-Focus on yourself. If you need to lose weight, start working out and dieting better. After that, update your wardrobe with clothes that not only fit, but also fashionable and that look good on (as well as compliment) you. Get more involved with your hobbies and find new ones if possible. Spend more time with family and friends. Start traveling and getting out more into the world. Meet new people and start new friendships. You only have one life, so spend it wisely. Women like men that keep themselves busy and have a bunch of friends. If you make friends with some females, I will guarantee one (or more) will see this and will want to get more involved with you. There's a woman currently in my life that's starting to do that. Give it time, though, and continue doing what you're doing. Don't throw away your attention on someone that won't give you the time and day, even if they are interested. She needs to start giving you the attention first. If you have questions on that, ask me later about the woman that's currently doing that with me.
-Lastly, and this will sound weird, take up ballroom dancing. Seriously, take it up. You want to meet women (and up your chances on meeting a good one)? THIS is it. I am in no way, shape, or form joking. If you want to talk about a social experience, and a MAJOR confidence booster, there's not much that can compare to this. Yes, it can help with women, but I would argue that it's FAR MORE beneficial for men. Most guys today are afraid to even ask women out or even interact with them because they're worried that they may ruin it or don't even know what to say to them, especially if you're dealing with beautiful women. This will not only break that, but also get these women chasing after you. "I don't know if I can do it." Yes you can. If you think it's for wimpy men, you'd be dead wrong. It's good exercise, improves discipline, and, most importantly, it's a lot fun. Keep this in mind as well: women LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE TO DANCE! No exaggeration. Even though they may not say it, I promise you, part of their childhood dream is to ballroom dance. I have women now looking my way because I know how to do it and they know that I'm currently taking classes (and getting better). I highly recommend it to ANY man looking to boost their confidence and up their chances of being in a relationship with a woman.
Sorry that this is long, but, trust me, this stuff will help you. I've been through what you're going through. I get why you want to wait because you're a normal guy and you want your word to be your bond. That's what most men want. However, you won't be breaking any promises if you find another woman you're not only talking to but actually seeing in person. You won't be doing yourself any favors waiting for nearly half a year for one person. Don't get hung up and know your worth. You're better than that. She has her heart on something else (and maybe even SOMEONE ELSE), and that's fine. You'll come across someone that wants to actually be around you and not dictating your relationship with them. So good luck, and I hope this helped!
If you stepped back, do you think she’d miss you? It sounds like your romance has expired. Very sorry. Long distance is difficult to keep going.
Can’t help but agree with this, reading between the lines I’d say that you over invested in this “relationship”, and I think that you’ll have to accept that you are O-U-T, out.
I’m no expert, but I had a couple of very long distance romances back in the day.
I live in London, UK, and in the late seventies, early eighties I was romancing a young woman from Wildwood NJ.
Fortunately at the time I was pulling down some heavy green, and I was skating back and forth across the pond with monotonous regularity, I felt like I was living in airports.
Nothing was ever discussed about marriage or moving in together, we just enjoyed the moment, then eventually a college friend suggested that she come out to CA and share her apartment, and although I visited her in Monterey, the extra 3000 miles each time were killing me.
But all that swanning around the Tri State area of New York had paid off, and I found myself involved with a woman from Queens that I’d met in JFK one day.
So I was back again, commuting every couple of months on a big silver bird across the Atlantic.
This one lasted 8 or 9 months, until she had a weekend in Montréal and met a good looking French-Canadian.
At this point I gave up, American women are equally as gorgeous as English women, but I could date an English woman then flag a taxi to get home, no rushing to Newark or JFK.
I sincerely hope that your “coeur meutri” heals quickly.
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