Long distance relationship (BIG problem) Advice? (dating, long-term, women, love)

[Cavek7992]

So, hello everyone, Im kind of running myself into the ground here, everyday has been a challenge since this happened, Im hoping I can get some insight and maybe some clarity on this horrible situation Ive found myself in.


I met this amazing girl back in August, the issue is, the way we met was interesting. We met off a dating app, as a lot of people do now. Im 29, shes 25 now, the issue was, we met because she was visiting her family over in PA, she had to go back to Mexico to finish her degree (Done in December) her plan was to finish then come over to PA for good, to be with family.

So we never officially got to meet, as when we matched she was leaving that day sadly, so, all of our talking has been through video chats, texts, etc.

That being said, we've got extremely close, the chemistry was insane despite not meeting in person yet. We would talk everyday, the flirting went back and forth it was never a tug relationship where one put in more effort. The things we would talk about were deep, we talked about meeting and definitely after a few months, at beginning of december, we basically just said, yeah we are together at this point.



Now, for the issue, her career dropped some news that they want her in Texas, full time over there. When she told me the big news, I wasnt exactly thrilled, I wasnt angry though, I was more hurt, I asked her thats great! But what was her thoughts on us? (I needed some time to process the news) She said, until we meet in May, it might be best if we stay 'friendly', now keep in mind, we are heavily into it at this point, so, asking me to PAUSE my feelings for 5 months and be friends, is a stretch if Ive ever seen one. I asked her why she wanted to do this, from what she told me and I want to apologize if this is confusing because she hasnt really wanted to talk about it since, she said that it helps makes things easier in case something happens.

So, does she expect me to leave or hurt her? I have no idea, but I dont want to push the issue because she said she has every intention of being with me in May (Thats what she says) but asking about it constantly was making it difficult, her words.

This hurts me because her personality has changed since then, we still text, but she has rules for us now, no calling, no flirting, just friends until May basically.

Im struggling to sleep sometimes, and the days hasnt been easy for me, the depression this is giving me is unreal.

How do I proceed with this? My friend says she sounds keen on meeting in May, and that her job is probably just stressing her, with the moving thing and everything he said that its probably just so she can focus on that FIRST, then meet in May and see how things go.

But it literally went from amazing messages between us, to not much of anything, we DO text but its not the same.

Any advice would be helpful at this point. Im stuck.

[Katnan]

I imagine it does hurt because of the possibilities that were there, that are not now.

Personally, I would move on and not pin my hopes on meeting in 5 months. Keep looking for opportunities to connect with women AND meet up in person. IMO, LDR's are not very satisfying, to be in a relationship in name only but spending all your free time alone without them.

[DontH8Me]

I agree with Katnan. It sounds like the two of you have actually yet to even meet in person. You're not in love with her, you're in love with the idea of her. This is a classic case of confounding infatuation with actual feelings of love.

You mentioned specifically that her personality changed. That should be a big indicator that things aren't what they were or what you believed them to be. It's time to broaden your horizons and start dipping your feet into the dating pool. And for future reference, don't put all your eggs into a basket that is keeping you at arm's length for over half a year. That is kinda nutty.

[Cavek7992]

I appreciate the sound advice, it helps give me some clarity on this weird situation.

I would love to try and keep things with her, but what would you suggest I say? I would like to call her and just kinda tell her, 'Look, I definitely see something here, I know you said you wanted to wait until May, but I can't wait half a year almost for us to start something. We had something started before, if you want to continue and build that, and meet in May, GREAT, but it sounds to me like like you're emotionally out already."

Thoughts? I am not the best when it comes to talking about this.

[E-Twist]

Your big problem is that you are allowing yourself to get emotional over someone you have never even met in real life. Even if you had six dates in real life that is not a relationship in terms of knowing a person well. She seems to be much more mature than you in not allowing her feelings for a stranger (yes, you are a stranger. a likeable stranger, but still a stranger) overcome her common sense. Chances are better than not that she will be dating others between now and May. Let's say she doesn't get a real life bf between now and then and the two of you meet up. Then what? Do you expect her to quit her job and move near you? You don't mention your job. Are you willing to relocate to be near her? If she is a mentally healthy, realistic young woman, she is likely being a little put off by what seems like an obsessive attachment you have for her. I'm not saying she won't meet you in May, but keep in mind she may be trying to let things drift apart. She likely doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but she is more interested in what she's doing and where she is at than she is in you. Why not stop texting her for a couple of weeks and see if she contacts you?

[adamexe]

This is a relationship that never was.

You can't invest your energy into a relationship that neither of you has any stake in and with someone who has just showed you they have other priorities.

When you want to be with someone, you work to be with that person. You don't put them "on hold" for 5 months claiming that something's going to happen later at that point. If anything, if she had wanted to really signify that despite choosing to prioritize her career for this period, she really wanted you two to keep going, she would've done the opposite: she would've been really worried that you would get fed up and detach from her, and thus doubled down on your interactions and made clear that this wasn't going to change anything. That's what couples do when life forces them apart for some time and they fear the strain that distance could put on their relationship: they find ways to stay in contact more, not less.

Let's be real here. I'd be worried to put a 3 year old live relationship on hold for 5 months. A lot of things can happen with someone's emotions in 5 months, especially when you don't have that much history and commitments to cling back to and give an incentive to hold everything together. Here there is no bedrock. No foundation. The relationship IS your online chats, and now that's gone. Meaning there is nothing left other than a puff of clouds.

She's most likely seeing that this relationship probably isn't gonna go anywhere now and sees no reason to keep investing herself emotionally. In 5 months there will be virtually nothing left of your closeness and more than likely, someone else will have caught her attention by then. Which will probably be the case for you too.

My advice on this is that you should move on. You can keep contact with her if you think that will not keep you in limbo as you refuse to let go of the hope that this could work. If you can compartmentalize this out of your brain, keep this door open, but still freely live your life without expectation, then you could do that. But in any case, you should stop banking on this one relationship. If it happens, it happens, but don't sacrifice any more to it for now. Meet other women, do you thing, don't obsess over your phone hoping she sent you something, or despair when she doesn't. As of now, this isn't happening. You thought it would, then she chose something else, and now it's not, period.

[timberline742]

Dating is done in person.
Don't get emotionally involved with things that are not real.

[gus2]

There are plenty of people who meet online and form genuine relationships.

Life throws you curveballs, and it seems as though she sees Texas as long-term. The original plan was to, I presume, begin dating when she moved to PA. You've been talking for 4 months. I have no doubt you have strong feelings, but I understand that she wants to avoid a LDR (although they, too, can work out),

[Suburban_Guy]

Agree with much of the above.

adamexe puts it the best. This is a 'relationship' that never was.

It's a familiar scenario. Two people meet online and never meet for months. Yet, somehow one or both fall deeply in 'love' with the other person despite never meeting in person. This is because the two constantly text/chat every single day for hours, pouring out their heart and soul and everything else. This sharing of deep thoughts gives the false illusion of 'love,' but it is just an endorphin rush type of thing for bored and lonely people.

This lady wasn't truly in 'love' with the OP, she was just addicted to having the OP be her personal therapist. And predictably, she got tired of that and is now trying to ease the blow for the OP.

As I always say, the best way for lovestruck guys to understand these scenarios, is to put themselves in the other person's shoes. And then analyze their behavior and see if these are the actions of someone that is truly in 'love' with him. If the OP were truly to look behind this woman's texts, he would realize that this is NOT something a person truly in love would do. If the woman was really attracted to the OP, she would have moved heaven and earth to meet him in person no matter what even if it was long distance. You know, the same thing the OP himself would be more than willing to do. That she doesn't want to meet and is giving some lame excuses about putting this on hold until May, says it all.

I'm sure this is not what the OP wants to hear and will probably not believe. But ideally the OP should preserve his self respect and dignity and not contact this lady in the future. He should not open his heart out and plead with her or make some ultimatums/threats ("either you promise me you'll come to see me in May, or else don't bother EVER texting me again!"). If needed return of text with simple short phrases is okay, but ideally ghosting would be ideal.

[matisse12]

This is not a real relationship. When people communicate just electronically it is not real.

As poster up-thread stated:

Originally Posted by timberline742

Dating is done in person.
Don't get emotionally involved with things that are not real.

Electronic communications can fill a void and it's easy to become dependent emotionally on it.