Originally Posted by MarcLP
Hi,
I am here because I am really confused about what I should do about a woman I like.
A bit of background. 2.5 years ago, I had a 6 years long relationship end abruptly. I was blindsided when I learned my now-ex was having an affair. The whole experience was a shock like none other I had experienced as far as relationships go. Since then, I have a hard time trusting.
Not long after all ended with my ex, I met a really sweet woman. We had a bit of a culture clash. I'm Canadian born, she's Vietnamese. Let's call her N. Problem is, dating wasn't a smart move for me at this point. We dated for about 3 months. During the first half of that time, everything seemed tip top, but I was living on borrowed time. Eventually I started realizing I really wasn't ready to get back into something serious. I know I hurt her when I decided to end it.
Some months passed, and I always had her in my mind. I dated a bit more, but was always explicit about the fact I wasn't looking for anything serious. I had a few things happen with 2 other women only over the span of 2-3 dates and then nothing.
Many months after I left her, she contacted me, asking for news. by that point covid was in full force (i know...) and I think we both felt it. Anyway, we started seeing each other in miild outdoor activities. walks, or just setting up somewhere near the river and reading in the car just to get out of our respective apartments. The tension was palpable, and eventually I told her seeing her was like torture. I really desired her but I still wasn't ready to be in a relationship, so we should maybe stop all of that. She told me I was overthinking and she just wanted to enjoy intimacy with someone she trusts.
So we started sleeping together. However I was getting worried that she was getting attached. this lasted for several months again. We'd see each other once every two weeks, then once a week. At some point I decided to renew that talk about me not wanting her to get the wrong idea. She said she was fine.
But at some point it became obvious that she was expecting more. I was enjoying time with her less and less because while sometimes I wanted to show affection or make special things for her, I was always fearing this would make her believe my intentions were changing. Sometimes I was missing her a lot but would decline seeing her because I was worried she'd take my more frequent visits as a sign.. you get the picture.
Thing is, when covid started I had been making lots of plans to go on a trip, work abroad, live things I hadn't allowed myself to live. But pandemic ruined my plans, and I wasn't ready to let go of those dreams. I'm 37. I thought if not now when? My head wasnt in the right place for a relationship.
But I still had strong feelings for her.
The other thing is, the culture clash... there were practical things that made me fear things might go wrong in the long run. There was a bit of a language barrier, both of us communicating through our second language. Lots of missing cultural references. We didn't have a great intellectual connection.
However, I admired a lot in her. Her perseverance, her generosity, her limitless kindness. The fact that, when we met, she really saw me in a mess, and nonetheless stayed, always made me feel 100% safe and accepted in her presence.
The word that naturally keeps springing in my mind, is love. I can fairly say that I loved her... but I didn't trust myself with that feeling. After the first time when after 3 months, I quickly just felt like I was choking, I didn't want to drag her through that again.
Obviously, that was foolish of me because despite what she said, she was very much hoping that something would happen. After almost 8 months ("so many moons" she'd call it), she told me she had to stop seeing me. Because I wasn't opening and it was killing her to keep waiting and hoping. So we stopped seeing each other for good.
it's been a bit more than 2 months now, and in the meantime, I dated with one other girl. She was nice and very beautiful, but I couldn't feel engaged with her. The first time she brought me to her place, I literally felt like I was cheating on someone. I don't know. It felt like this would mark a definitive end to everything with N, even though that was already 3 weeks after we had the talk to end it, which we had via skype, after not having seen each other at all for a full month... To me, being with someone else now felt like a final walk away... and that made me think a lot.
I saw that other woman once after that, and then stopped. I should point out that I've been seeing a therapist this whole time too... And I feel like I have reached a point where I have figured out much of what's been holding me back. I don't think there is a single day since N decided to stop seeing me that I haven't thought of her and had to fight off the urge to call her. I miss her terribly and a big part of me believes I'm ready.
But after all that time and the sadness I've caused her, I'm afraid of reaching out to her. Assuming she would even want to see me, what if I was to disappoint her again? The thought haunts me. That's all that's stopping me. Because if I followed what I want, there is no doubt that I would at least try to talk to her.
Anyone with an outside view could give me some advice?
Thanks.
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