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I am here because I am really confused about what I should do about a woman I like.
A bit of background. 2.5 years ago, I had a 6 years long relationship end abruptly. I was blindsided when I learned my now-ex was having an affair. The whole experience was a shock like none other I had experienced as far as relationships go. Since then, I have a hard time trusting.
Not long after all ended with my ex, I met a really sweet woman. We had a bit of a culture clash. I'm Canadian born, she's Vietnamese. Let's call her N. Problem is, dating wasn't a smart move for me at this point. We dated for about 3 months. During the first half of that time, everything seemed tip top, but I was living on borrowed time. Eventually I started realizing I really wasn't ready to get back into something serious. I know I hurt her when I decided to end it.
Some months passed, and I always had her in my mind. I dated a bit more, but was always explicit about the fact I wasn't looking for anything serious. I had a few things happen with 2 other women only over the span of 2-3 dates and then nothing.
Many months after I left her, she contacted me, asking for news. by that point covid was in full force (i know...) and I think we both felt it. Anyway, we started seeing each other in miild outdoor activities. walks, or just setting up somewhere near the river and reading in the car just to get out of our respective apartments. The tension was palpable, and eventually I told her seeing her was like torture. I really desired her but I still wasn't ready to be in a relationship, so we should maybe stop all of that. She told me I was overthinking and she just wanted to enjoy intimacy with someone she trusts.
So we started sleeping together. However I was getting worried that she was getting attached. this lasted for several months again. We'd see each other once every two weeks, then once a week. At some point I decided to renew that talk about me not wanting her to get the wrong idea. She said she was fine.
But at some point it became obvious that she was expecting more. I was enjoying time with her less and less because while sometimes I wanted to show affection or make special things for her, I was always fearing this would make her believe my intentions were changing. Sometimes I was missing her a lot but would decline seeing her because I was worried she'd take my more frequent visits as a sign.. you get the picture.
Thing is, when covid started I had been making lots of plans to go on a trip, work abroad, live things I hadn't allowed myself to live. But pandemic ruined my plans, and I wasn't ready to let go of those dreams. I'm 37. I thought if not now when? My head wasnt in the right place for a relationship.
But I still had strong feelings for her.
The other thing is, the culture clash... there were practical things that made me fear things might go wrong in the long run. There was a bit of a language barrier, both of us communicating through our second language. Lots of missing cultural references. We didn't have a great intellectual connection.
However, I admired a lot in her. Her perseverance, her generosity, her limitless kindness. The fact that, when we met, she really saw me in a mess, and nonetheless stayed, always made me feel 100% safe and accepted in her presence.
The word that naturally keeps springing in my mind, is love. I can fairly say that I loved her... but I didn't trust myself with that feeling. After the first time when after 3 months, I quickly just felt like I was choking, I didn't want to drag her through that again.
Obviously, that was foolish of me because despite what she said, she was very much hoping that something would happen. After almost 8 months ("so many moons" she'd call it), she told me she had to stop seeing me. Because I wasn't opening and it was killing her to keep waiting and hoping. So we stopped seeing each other for good.
it's been a bit more than 2 months now, and in the meantime, I dated with one other girl. She was nice and very beautiful, but I couldn't feel engaged with her. The first time she brought me to her place, I literally felt like I was cheating on someone. I don't know. It felt like this would mark a definitive end to everything with N, even though that was already 3 weeks after we had the talk to end it, which we had via skype, after not having seen each other at all for a full month... To me, being with someone else now felt like a final walk away... and that made me think a lot.
I saw that other woman once after that, and then stopped. I should point out that I've been seeing a therapist this whole time too... And I feel like I have reached a point where I have figured out much of what's been holding me back. I don't think there is a single day since N decided to stop seeing me that I haven't thought of her and had to fight off the urge to call her. I miss her terribly and a big part of me believes I'm ready.
But after all that time and the sadness I've caused her, I'm afraid of reaching out to her. Assuming she would even want to see me, what if I was to disappoint her again? The thought haunts me. That's all that's stopping me. Because if I followed what I want, there is no doubt that I would at least try to talk to her.
Anyone with an outside view could give me some advice?
Thanks.
What if she doesn't want to see you again? How would you know how things could be, if you don't know this most basic of answers?
The problem now is that you are creating all these scenarios in your head, when you don't even know if there's still anything left on her end.
It's one thing if you already reached out to her and she said yes, and now you are venting and asking on what to do to prevent what happened before. But again, you don't even know now, so shouldn't you first find out if she's available and open to seeing you again before spending any more time obsessing with this?
What if she doesn't want to see you again? How would you know how things could be, if you don't know this most basic of answers?
The problem now is that you are creating all these scenarios in your head, when you don't even know if there's still anything left on her end.
It's one thing if you already reached out to her and she said yes, and now you are venting and asking on what to do to prevent what happened before. But again, you don't even know now, so shouldn't you first find out if she's available and open to seeing you again before spending any more time obsessing with this?
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He said that she wants more, she is after him, but he is very hesitant if she is a match for him, different culture, etc,......
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He said that she wants more, she is after him, but he is very hesitant if she is a match for him, different culture, etc,......
The OP also states that after 8 months she was the one that approached him saying she wanted to stop seeing him, and that ended it for good.
Now two months later, he's having second thoughts since he keeps thinking about her. So my point is, shouldn't the OP see if she is willing to meet with him again, but more importantly, if she is still single? At this point he doesn't know, so his mind is making up all kinds of scenarios. The longer he puts it off finding out either way, the more he will obsess over it unnecessarily.
If he reaches out and she still says no or that she moved on or is dating someone else, at least that will be somewhat of a closure for him (hopefully).
You're certainly not the first person to put a brake on romantic prospects out of fear that you will end up hurting someone else.
I know I've been dealing with that a lot, and you can find many testimonies online.
In general what comes out of that is that it's counterproductive. There is something that you need to fix in the way you approach relationships that's making you overthink. You're not living in the moment, and are worrying so much about the fact that it could end up not working that you're ensuring it doesn't work. And guess what: you end up hurting people by doing that, too.
A relationship is a decision. You won't be able to have a relationship until you decide that you want one. To me it sounds like you are very fond of N. What more do you want? I'd say trying your luck is a win-win. Even if she's over you, at least you'll stop worrying about what you should do. It'll be settled once and for all and you can finally move on and stop worrying about whether you missed out on a great opportunity.
You're certainly not the first person to put a brake on romantic prospects out of fear that you will end up hurting someone else.
I know I've been dealing with that a lot, and you can find many testimonies online.
In general what comes out of that is that it's counterproductive. There is something that you need to fix in the way you approach relationships that's making you overthink. You're not living in the moment, and are worrying so much about the fact that it could end up not working that you're ensuring it doesn't work. And guess what: you end up hurting people by doing that, too.
A relationship is a decision. You won't be able to have a relationship until you decide that you want one. To me it sounds like you are very fond of N. What more do you want? I'd say trying your luck is a win-win. Even if she's over you, at least you'll stop worrying about what you should do. It'll be settled once and for all and you can finally move on and stop worrying about whether you missed out on a great opportunity.
Good points for an RL, but the ultimate question is:
Would OP down the road agree to marry her? If his answer is No he should let her go.
You seem so fearful and it seems to be having a crippling effect on your life. Have you ever been treated for anxiety?
Armchair physician ?!
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