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Perhaps you are using hyperbole to make a strong point.
Its not that I can't stand him. I've said many times I like him quite a lot!
Its more like sipping the wine with a more discerning pallette now. Doesn't mean hes Boones Farm. But is this the wine I want to sip the rest of my life?
When are we being too picky and demanding and should accept a few warts (ie if he would even have me and I have no guarantee of that) and when to start over. When is it premature to make that choice to cut bait.
I don't know. I guess I'm just wondering and you all are helping me think about it so thank you. Sincerely!
I was being completely serious. Clearly you're finding something wrong with these guys if you don't want to be with them anymore. If you like this guy so much, then why dump him?
Perfect doesn't exist. If you keep holding out for it, you're going to end up with nothing. I get it, we were all raised on fairytales, but eventually we've all had to understand and accept that fairytales don't exist and decide accordingly what we were going to do about it.
Exactly what "commitment" are you making by simply dating someone, that scares you so much? Is there something we're missing here? Are promises being made? "I love you"s exchanged? Plans for the far future being tossed around? These guys are starting to name your grandkids and think about where the two of you will retire and what happens when one of you dies first?
It sounds like what you need is to seek out casual, short-term relationships-- and let these guys know up-front that that's what you are into.
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I was being completely serious. Clearly you're finding something wrong with these guys if you don't want to be with them anymore.
I see where you are coming from. However, every guy I've had a relationship with did end up getting married. So other women found them marriageable. So its not that I was just choosing duds.
Quote:
If you like this guy so much, then why dump him?
Perfect doesn't exist. If you keep holding out for it, you're going to end up with nothing. I get it, we were all raised on fairytales, but eventually we've all had to understand and accept that fairytales don't exist and decide accordingly what we were going to do about it.
Exactly what "commitment" are you making by simply dating someone, that scares you so much? Is there something we're missing here? Are promises being made? "I love you"s exchanged? Plans for the far future being tossed around? These guys are starting to name your grandkids and think about where the two of you will retire and what happens when one of you dies first?
It sounds like what you need is to seek out casual, short-term relationships-- and let these guys know up-front that that's what you are into.
I agree! I was just thinking out loud. Gathering my thoughts.
I even asked my mom and she thinks I should keep dating him. He is a good person and we click so well.
I am making efforts to be better too. I am a huge pain in the butt. I am probably lucky anyone tolerates me for 5 minutes! Seriously! I am making efforts to be sweeter and kinder to him. To reach out to him instead of always waiting for him. To give compliments and show appreciation. All that doesn't come naturally to me and I probably have been a horrible partner to most of my exes. Yet I guess I can be nice too sometimes but not always.
Its silly that I am still learning how to even be in a relationship and be an equal partner but I am. Before I just never took anyone seriously because I just wasn't prioritizing the idea of being a good partner. I didn't care.
But I am learning and I think making slow progress.
First love is blind.
Then love puts on rose colored glasses.
Then love takes a magnifying glass. Picking out ALL the good, bad, ugly.
Then love decides it doesn't need any of those optical distractions.
Love and marriage that last: encompass all the other senses. Common sense being the most underrated. Hearing, listening, sensing a bond (touch), uplifting . Experiences. And yes sometimes holding one another up when life hands them lemons.
I am wondering how people do it? I've never been able to stay once the honeymoon fades. I suppose that makes me immature and commitment adverse, and yeah, I own it. I am full of personality flaws and shortcomings so no need to tell me what I already know! (Though I am sure some posters will not resist doing that anyway.)
But how do you do it? When the sparkly starry eyes fade and you start noticing the warts, and the excitement of novelty is no longer there and its feeling predictable and routine.
Do some people stay in that starry eyed honeymoon phase forever?
In your current marriage or relationship do you consider yourself still honeymooning?
If not how did you deal with the fading of the honeymoon without wanting to end the relationship and start over with someone new?
The passion and butterflies only fade if you're with the wrong person.
The technical term for "honeymoon phase" is "cathexis".
Due to hedonic tone, no one can maintain any form of emotional arousal for any great length of time. Cathexis is probably the longest-lasting arousal because it's enabled by a flood of hormones and by well-worn psychological paths in our specie's brains. But, like all other such situations, you end up returning to your emotional baseline.
As for noticing the warts -- cathexis puts your partner on a pedestal that they are bound to fall off of. At some point you have to give back your projections and let them be actual human beings.
All of this is a normal process.
What is supposed to remain after the full-on trampoline gorilla sex twice a day, are things like love, respect, loyalty and devotion. Also a commitment to put effort and investment into the relationship. That's not to say that there's no fun, post-cathexis ... just that it's a more realistic / mundane situation.
I don't judge you necessarily if you don't want to do that. It's your choice. But you should not lead people on either if you can't accept a life partner, warts and all -- as, I'm sure, you want them to accept you. I'm sure you have a wart or two, metaphorically speaking, yes? That you'd like to get to a place with your partner that they don't bolt at the first annoyance? Well -- that's how they feel too.
Yup. This.
I have a tendency to put people on a pedestal. After this was pointed out to me, I realized that I personally don't like being lifted up because of the eventual "let down" when I've given everything there is to give. Putting other people on a pedestal is not even all that I have to offer. I have my own interests that define me, my own grit that gets my day going even when my desire is to hide from the outside world. It would be nice to be recognized for that as well.
Putting someone on a pedestal is not something I can change about myself because I do enjoy learning new things. It is something that can be controlled by having my own interests and goals that don't get placed on the back burner when somebody new comes along. I am careful about not allowing others to place me on a pedestal. I put my own emotions to the side and get to know how this person gets through life.
For me, the "honeymoon" phase is nothing more than walking through a corridor alone. Then you choose a room in which to linger a bit, the "honeymoon". Then you leave the room and continue down the corridor alone.
I have a tendency to put people on a pedestal. After this was pointed out to me, I realized that I personally don't like being lifted up because of the eventual "let down" when I've given everything there is to give. Putting other people on a pedestal is not even all that I have to offer. I have my own interests that define me, my own grit that gets my day going even when my desire is to hide from the outside world. It would be nice to be recognized for that as well.
Putting someone on a pedestal is not something I can change about myself because I do enjoy learning new things. It is something that can be controlled by having my own interests and goals that don't get placed on the back burner when somebody new comes along. I am careful about not allowing others to place me on a pedestal. I put my own emotions to the side and get to know how this person gets through life.
For me, the "honeymoon" phase is nothing more than walking through a corridor alone. Then you choose a room in which to linger a bit, the "honeymoon". Then you leave the room and continue down the corridor alone.
This resonates with me as well. I tended especially in the past to put new partners on a pedestal but that is almost guaranteed to fail. There is only one way to go from there, down.
Most of my relationships have started with love bombing as well, with the guy love bombing me and I would eat it up every time.
Its only once I started learning about it that I realized that was happening. If a relationship didn't start fast and intense I thought that meant something was wrong. So all my relationships we got involved really fast, usually moved in together right away, spent all our time together.
My current one is different. We have paced ourselves. Its been more a slow burn. He's busy with a demanding job and he already had lots of friends and hobbies. I liked the space to let my feelings slowly grow. I liked him but didn't get swept away in infatuation and didn't put him on a pedestal. If I noticed myself becoming too intense in my feelings I would back away and he never smothered me as other exes did
I think a healthy relationship is more likely to start this way. A foundation is built. We don't get too involved then feel trapped and realize we committed too soon.
I will just see how it goes. We are moving forward but its gradual yet steady progress. If it ends that is ok. At the very least I will probably see this as my first actual healthy normal relationship as opposed to those love bombing codependent things I always had until now.
That dopamine hit of early relationships is the antithesis of enjoying the simple things in life. I could see that taking me places where I did not want to be.
I realized my first serious girl friend was justified by that honeymoon period. I learned to like distance and fail safe circuit breakers. One was an au pair who had to go back to Europe , and another was the last semester in college etc. Strangest thing where I liked the obstacles . it allowed the infatuation to burn itself out to see what was left and it showed me what my own investment was.
That's the preventative medicine.
I'll quote Chalie Munger for maintenance. Lower expectations is the key to happiness.
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