Feeling guilty that I caused my wife's health issues (dating, marriage, therapy)

[MoneyOnTheTable]

I weighed 270 pounds( she and I are both 26) late last year, but, now I'm in the 250s. I've really buckled down, tried to move more, eat right, everything like that.

On my way to 270 though, I was dating & eventually married to her. A lot of our dates were going out to eat, drive thru, delivery, carry-out. So on and so on. We both put on a ton of weight and, up until 270, it was treated as almost a joke to us. Nobody was alarmed that a lot of her clothes stopped fitting, or mine, or that just climbing stairs became hard.

Seeing 270 really woke me up, kicked me into gear. In my mind, it was something I did to myself, I'm to blame. She then weighed herself. 237 pounds. In her mind, I'm to blame. As she sees it, because all of this time was more or less spent around food, I'm the reason she's big & out of shape. In her view, had she not met me, she'd be thin.

I just, the more I hear it from her, the more I'm finding myself thinking that she's right. But then, sometimes I remind myself, I didn't force her to eat any of the junk we had around. I've tried everything with her though, to mend this issue. I invite her on walks, invite her to cook healthy. She declines, eats junk, blames me for setting her on an " unhealthy path".

What can I do to fix this?

[Dwatted Wabbit]

You can both get on a diet and exercise program. The problem belongs to each of you individually now, it's up to each of you to solve your issue.
You can encourage each other right now.
Save the blame game for when you're in couples or group therapy together.

[MoneyOnTheTable]

Originally Posted by Dwatted Wabbit

You can both get on a diet and exercise program. The problem belongs to each of you individually now, it's up to each of you to solve your issue.
You can encourage each other right now.
Save the blame game for when you're in couples or group therapy together.

I've gotten a weight loss app & walk everyday, or, if a walk isn't possible, I use a treadmill in our building

[twinkletwinkle22]

Food can be a drug, even an addiction, but unless she is an actual child that you force-fed then you are not responsible for your wife's weight, even if you did it together. An adult makes their own decisions, she made hers, you made yours.

Sounds like you both enjoyed eating food but you figured out you did not want to keep gaining weight and make your physical condition worse. She has not come to your conclusion yet, maybe never will. Until it's her idea it just won't happen.

Finding out that your spouse is 100% opposed to the way you want to eat and live is a big thing. You both should be talking to a marriage counselor and if she won't go then you need to go by yourself to discuss how your marriage is going to work. Yes, you changed a big part of your life after getting married and she didn't expect that. Figure out where to go from here. But are you to blame for her weight? Nope. You might have been a co-conspirator but she was doing the eating too.

[MoneyOnTheTable]

Originally Posted by twinkletwinkle22

Food can be a drug, even an addiction, but unless she is an actual child that you force-fed then you are not responsible for your wife's weight, even if you did it together. An adult makes their own decisions, she made hers, you made yours.

Sounds like you both enjoyed eating food but you figured out you did not want to keep gaining weight and make your physical condition worse. She has not come to your conclusion yet, maybe never will. Until it's her idea it just won't happen.

Finding out that your spouse is 100% opposed to the way you want to eat and live is a big thing. You both should be talking to a marriage counselor and if she won't go then you need to go by yourself to discuss how your marriage is going to work. Yes, you changed a big part of your life after getting married and she didn't expect that. Figure out where to go from here. But are you to blame for her weight? Nope. You might have been a co-conspirator but she was doing the eating too.

I'm starting to wonder how I'm even a co-conspirator.

[redplum33]

You didn't force her to eat, but you were a bad influence. She's correct that you set her on an unhealthy path.

I don't know how you can fix this. It would be easy to say that you should just be a good influence and set her on a healthy path, but it's very hard to kick bad habits.

I'll say this, though: you're not doing yourself any favors by refusing to acknowledge that you had a role in this.

[MoneyOnTheTable]

Originally Posted by redplum33

You didn't force her to eat, but you were a bad influence. She's correct that you set her on an unhealthy path.

I don't know how you can fix this. It would be easy to say that you should just be a good influence and set her on a healthy path, but it's very hard to kick bad habits.

I'll say this, though: you're not doing yourself any favors by refusing to acknowledge that you had a role in this.

What I'm lost on is the hypocrisy of " you made me fat", but then, when I offer to help her lose weight as I'm doing, she doesn't want to. She followed me down the wrong path, but can't be bothered to flip to the right path with me

[PJSaturn]

I'm very sorry, OP, but the thread is now closed. This topic has been discussed extensively in the past, and because it's a touchy subject with some people, previous threads have generated lots of rude posts and personal attacks. Also, the Terms of Service do not permit duplicate thread topics.