What is considered verbal abuse. (married, cheating, sex, calling)

[ellie]

The simplest thing is to avoid people who treat you badly. If a person continuously berates you, it’s time to cut ties. It rude, hurtful, and could be called “abuse” if it continues.

Fortunately, you don’t have to put up with it. He wasn’t the right one for you. Leave and don’t look back.

[ClaraC]

This could go either way. You can't really be in a long term relationship, without some things that hurt your feelings being said.

For example, OP, when he called you selfish and you say but isn't everyone sometimes? Yes, everyone is. But when they're being called selfish, if they ARE being selfish, that's not verbal abuse.

All couples fight. But there are rules of fair fighting where you can express negative feelings without being cruel. For example, "it seems you're being selfish here, and not taking everyone else into account" is totally fine to say if it's true.

But not if verbal abuse is frequent.

[Dwatted Wabbit]

OP, are you here?
"only once grabbed a drink out of my hand and threw it across the room." Serious drinking problem, serious anger and temper problems, serious respect and boundary problems. These are called red flags.

Originally Posted by ClaraC

This could go either way. You can't really be in a long term relationship, without some things that hurt your feelings being said.

For example, OP, when he called you selfish and you say but isn't everyone sometimes? Yes, everyone is. But when they're being called selfish, if they ARE being selfish, that's not verbal abuse.

All couples fight. But there are rules of fair fighting where you can express negative feelings without being cruel. For example, "it seems you're being selfish here, and not taking everyone else into account" is totally fine to say if it's true.

But not if verbal abuse is frequent.

All couples don't fight. My wife and I didn't. We discussed and worked things out. She was very even tempered and reasonable.

The only times I ever heard her yell was when she was on the phone with her lunatic imbecile daughter. Then I believe she yelled almost every phone conversation. Apparently that was the only way to get through the girl's thick skull. I never met her daughter (reason became quite obvious when I got to know her) until my wife was on her deathbed. I got to know all I needed to know about her afterwards. Her BF was twice as stupid and four times as crazy. Those people are no longer in my life.

I do not see any benefit in having hair trigger temper loonie toons in one's life.

[Confused76]

Thank you everyone for your insights and advice. As I’ve said I’m working on me. I don’t know how I got caught up in such a toxic relationship, but the healing process is hard and sometimes we just need to know other people out there can relate. I appreciate the shares and words of advice. They say time is a healer and I will recover. I will not make the same mistake again. It’s hard for me cause I am not one to be the type to be able to completely cut someone out of my life due to the toxicity of the relationship. Always want things to end on good terms. In this case I know it’s for the best. I deserve better and can learn myself to be a better person. Toxic relationships can really change you as a person. This one did for me. I’m so many ways. Thanks again to all whom took the time to respond back.

[mojo101]

I would go to the grocery store and buy a beef tongue,stick a knife in it and mail it to him!

[Confused76]

Originally Posted by mojo101

I would go to the grocery store and buy a beef tongue,stick a knife in it and mail it to him!

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE.....but why spend more time money or energy on this guy, rite.....lol Thanks for the giggle

[TashaPosh]

Originally Posted by Confused76

What is considered verbal abuse.

Arguments are normal in healthy relationships BUT the difference in verbally abusive relationships is a pattern of making you feel humiliated, scared or bad about yourself. The abuser turns a disagreement into personal outrage…so instead of talking about the conflict, it’s about blaming you. They don’t want you to feel good about yourself so they can manipulate the argument & they can feel better about themselves. Like….You are ugly. You can’t write. You’re stupid. You wear too much makeup. You don’t wear enough makeup. You are the reason they can’t find a job. You are the reason they didn’t go to college because you got pregnant. You’re entitled. It’s all your fault. Anything to degrade & try to control how you are seen compared to how they are seen….or how they feel. The worse they feel…the more they will come at you. A man who loves you & respects you…AND himself…..will not degrade, threaten or humiliate you when you disagree. Or for any reason.

edit: Ofc ppl sometimes say something they didn’t mean to say but verbal abuse is a pattern…..AND it’s easy to see the red flags early if you pay attention. The current Bachelor Clayton was verbally abusive to Susie. He made himself the victim & blamed her…it was all her fault. I was super surprised to see how he handled that conflict….especially on TV for everybody to see. IMO that says A LOT. I would change out of my heels to sneakers & RUN.

[WorldKlas]

In my first marriage I didn’t respect myself enough to leave and put up with emotional abuse….because that’s what verbal abuse actually is. It attacks your self-worth and bruises your soul rather than your physical body. After 10+ years I finally grew the strength to say to myself: “I’m good enough, I’m strong enough, and g-damn it I’m worth it.” And I left. Always wonder why it took me so long to understand I have just one life on earth and I get to decide how to live it.

[Bootsamillion]

Originally Posted by Confused76

I’ve just come out of a relationship recently and I felt I was constantly verbally abused. Examples are, being called a lier, a user, sometimes told to go **** myself. Sometimes it was via text and sometimes over the phone. Most of the times he was under the influence when this happened. No I’m not saying that makes it ok or is an excuse. Just thought sometimes maybe I was too sensitive at times when called these things. He would always say YOU KNOW I DIDNT MEAN IT. The thing is I spoke my piece about how it made me feel and his response was he would think before speaking in anger or when
Upset next time. Promises promises. Always ended up same way. There were times I was called selfish, although aren’t we all at times? I know I could have been called a lot worse but isn’t this still considered verbal abuse. Just wanted some other peoples opinions and stories. I should mention he had quite the temper, never hit, only once grabbed a drink out of my hands and threw it across his kitchen. I left immediately. To say the least I’m no longer in the relationship and am very much working on me. I made mistakes in the relationship to.

If ever you notice a person's demeanor changing under the influence, that's a big red flag that they drink too much. Drinking in moderation is fine, but drinking until you become a different person is a sure sign that there is much more to this than meets the eye. I would stay clear of him and move on.

[shallots]

Originally Posted by Confused76

I’ve just come out of a relationship recently and I felt I was constantly verbally abused. Examples are, being called a lier, a user, sometimes told to go **** myself. Sometimes it was via text and sometimes over the phone. Most of the times he was under the influence when this happened. No I’m not saying that makes it ok or is an excuse. Just thought sometimes maybe I was too sensitive at times when called these things. He would always say YOU KNOW I DIDNT MEAN IT. The thing is I spoke my piece about how it made me feel and his response was he would think before speaking in anger or when
Upset next time. Promises promises. Always ended up same way. There were times I was called selfish, although aren’t we all at times? I know I could have been called a lot worse but isn’t this still considered verbal abuse. Just wanted some other peoples opinions and stories. I should mention he had quite the temper, never hit, only once grabbed a drink out of my hands and threw it across his kitchen. I left immediately. To say the least I’m no longer in the relationship and am very much working on me. I made mistakes in the relationship to.

The fact that you made mistakes doesn't mean someone is allowed to treat you badly. You are NOT too sensitive. Your threshold for putting up with being treated badly seems to have been too high.

This guy is verbally, emotionally abusive and a step towards physical abuse (throwing your drink). Don't go back. He showed you who he is. Nothing he says matters.