Were DH and I wrong...or is his mother being absolutely ridiculous? (mother-in-law, guys)
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Here's the deal, and I apologize if I get too long.
Hubby and I moved to FL from PA...and his parents are in FL. As soon as we got here in 2004 it seemed that everything was getting too too expensive to buy (SWFL) so we've been renting. After a year or two, we were playing with possibly moving away, because it seemed as if we wouldn't ever be able to buy a home here due to the way-too-high pricing.The parents knew are contemplation and weren't too happy being as they were elated that we were down in the first place, with our two children.
Finally, this year, the prices dropped so much that we knew we could buy. We decided to buy, and went to my DH's sister because her husband does mortgages. He isn't licensed to do FHA in FL so we couldn't use him. This is the reason why they were the first ones to know. So then we decided not to tell anyone yet until the approval process was over; why get people's hopes up that we were staying in FL if we weren't approved?
Then, DH and I decided to keep it a surprise from his parents, and tell them AFTER closing, when we had the keys. We were thinking of how ecstatic they would be! I even asked him if he thought his mother would cry (tears of joy). We racked our brains thinking of all of the different, creative ways we would tell them: perhaps taking a videotape of our drive to the new house and then dropping it off on their doorstep; sending them a "just moved" postcard; having them go on a "follow-the-map" kinda deal; taking htem out to dinner and then driving them there; and pretending to have broken down and have them come to us.
We finally decided to make one of those emails that make you scroll down, and scroll down, with clues in between, and then at the end was a picture of our new house with the address, and a little comment about how we bought it, yaddayadd.
So we did that. The father calls us later that night to congratulate us. Then the bomb dropped the next day.
DH's mother is PI$$ED at us. Fuming. Furious. You want to know why? Because she wasn't the first one to know. Her daughter-DH's sister- knew first. She said it felt like a conspiracy to her. She couldn't believe it.
Yes, DH did explain to the father the reason why sister had to know first (the mortgage) and that we wanted to surprise them and be happy. When DH called the mother to talk about it, she told him she didn't want to talk about it, didn't have the time, and more or less hung up on him. Even DH's sister told the mother that she is being so ridiculous and she couldn't believe it.
So, we closed on 5/5, and the in-laws went up to PA to visit the sister on 5/9. We wanted them to come up before just to see the before...and then when they came back after 4 weeks, they would see the after. They did not come up. The mother never said congratulations. Nothing. DH was supposed to drive them to the airport on 5/9, and the father called and canceled on DH's favor saying they called a driving service!
They're in PA now because sister had a baby and while the father calls about once a week, the mother does not talk to us. She called to say thank you for the flowers we had sent her for mothers day (ordered them before this all happened), and that was it.
DH was sooo mad, and hurt. This is perhaps a once-in-a-lifetime event, we felt like we were trying to do something so happy and positive....he wrote her an email telling her all of this, and telling her that he believe that he is due an apology as she is the only negative aspect of this house buying proces......no response.
DId we do wrong? Maybe I need an outsider's opinion because I think she is way wrong, DH thinks she is way wrong, and even the sister does. My friend says that at first she might see if the mother was disappointed to not know first, but is wrong in taking it this far.
I don't know that I think a surprise this huge is what I'd consider a good idea, however your mother-in-law sounds like she's being absolutely ridiculous and controlling.
I'd prefer not to be surprised this way if I were her, but I'm sure I'd have been very happy once the shock wore off.
Yeah I don't understand why you tried to make it a surprise, but whatever floats your boat. She sounds like either she was having a really bad day when she found out, or she is some kind of control freak. I don't think y'all are out of line, she is. LET PEOPLE STEW INSIDE THEIR OWN HEADS. If she is furious and continues to be so, don't let any of that heat get to you. You should feel good about buying a home, especially since a lot of peeps in the country are losing theirs right now!
If my kids did this for me (the surprise), I'd be very happy for them that they were able to buy a house in an area where they'd be somewhat nearby. Personally, I think your MIL is being totally ridiculous. If she's saying her problem is that she didn't know first, she was given the completely plausible reason why she was NOT the first person to know. You have NO obligation to tell her first, second, third or whenever. It's your business with your husband. I think it's sweet that you went to such lengths to think of a cute way to tell them about your new house. It was not done maliciously at all. NOT AT ALL. It was also nice that you were trying to keep the business within the family with by going to DH's sister's husband for the mortgage. THAT should have made her happy.
I hope you can try to forget this mess with MIL and be happy about buying the new house. I hope she sees that she is being petty and ridiculous. I do realize that some people (like my DH) don't like surprises, but even if she didn't like being surprised, she should not continue to be treating you with disdain. She is going way overboard.
I kind of understand the surprise aspect. Your MIL was ecstactic about you guys being here in Florida with the grandbabies and all that, you were considering cost of homeownership too high, and thinking about moving away. You probably just thought what a nice surprise for her to know you are not moving away, her son and grandbabies are staying right here in Florida. Well intentioned nothing wrong with that.
She is definately over-reacting to this. Her son is a grown adult and doesn't have to even tell her he is buying a house or not. So she wasn't the first to know about it, not a real big deal in my opinion considering the reason she wasn't the first to know.
Perhaps she doesn't like surprises, which is fine, lesson learned, apologizing for not telling her, explaining you guys were simply trying to surprise her with the good news, should have satisfied that. To take it to this extreme over something so silly as this, is a bit over the top in my opinion.
I don't think you guys were wrong. I do think she is over-reacting. Lesson learned here though... don't plan any more surprises.
I kind of understand the surprise aspect. Your MIL was ecstactic about you guys being here in Florida with the grandbabies and all that, you were considering cost of homeownership too high, and thinking about moving away. You probably just thought what a nice surprise for her to know you are not moving away, her son and grandbabies are staying right here in Florida. Well intentioned nothing wrong with that.
You hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what we thought: that she would be so happy to know that her son and grandchildren were staying right here in Florida. We know that she wasn't happy when we had to talk about possibly moving away. She didn't even want to talk about it, which is understandable- she didn't want us to move away. So we thought that with us staying here, possibly forever, not moving away...we thought it would have made her day. Heck, her year.
I also feel that your MIL is way over reacting. I actually got this exact response from my own mother on the night that I got engaged, all because my dad, sister, and brother-in-law were outside in the driveway when we pulled up and found out the news before she did. When we went in to tell her and show her my engagement ring, her response was "Is that real?" She then proceeded to not speak to me for about a week. So needless to say, what should have been one of the happiest times in my life ended up having some negative memories attached to it.
My advice to you is to enjoy your new home and your family. Buying this house was a decision to be made by you and your husband and if she has a problem with the fact that she wasn't consulted, then just give her all the time she needs to realize that it wasn't about her. You took your in-law's feelings into consideration when you decided to stay in FL - you have done enough.
You hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what we thought: that she would be so happy to know that her son and grandchildren were staying right here in Florida. We know that she wasn't happy when we had to talk about possibly moving away. She didn't even want to talk about it, which is understandable- she didn't want us to move away. So we thought that with us staying here, possibly forever, not moving away...we thought it would have made her day. Heck, her year.
It was a very nice thought and gesture. Don't beat yourselves up about it and don't let it rob your joy of having purchased your home. Just give her time to get over it. Perhaps once she gets back from her trip you guys can have her come over for dinner and time with the grandchildren and if all is going well maybe you guys can just go through some before and after pictures.
Goodness... this thread surely shows that we mother's can be some pretty strange creatures at time's particularly with our sons. I have a 19 year old son and I hope and pray that I never get that petty with him.
...DH's mother is PI$$ED at us. Fuming. Furious. You want to know why? Because she wasn't the first one to know. Her daughter-DH's sister- knew first. She said it felt like a conspiracy to her. She couldn't believe it....
Some people feel like they have to be the center of everything. And when something happens and they don't know about it first they get all p!$$y and start b_tching. Just blow her off and be happy.
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