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When I was younger, I was a fundamentalist Christian and that created a different set of challenges and opportunities, so my experiences might not be representative of other's experiences.
In some respects, finding a girl I would be willing to date was easier. There were fewer women who were married and/or had kids. Most women and most men at this age were roughly in the same position financially. Additionally, I didn't have any good idea of what I was looking for, nor why some women might be better or worse choices than others so any women would do. All of that made the initial search process much easier.
But I wasn't very good at getting my needs met in these relationships and I was not very good at getting women to clarify what they needed and expected from me. When things went bad, I didn't know how to fix things or even stand up for myself, so relationships were also harder for me to navigate and sometimes just really difficult on me and the women I was in the relationships with. I ended up in a relationship with a woman who cheated on me with her minister and that relationship threw me for a loop. I was angry at myself, at women and at God. Later, I was making choices that weren't really good for anyone. There is a song by the Clash, Lost in the Supermarket and that was kind of how I felt about myself in my late twenties.
My life was also just less well sorted out. I had family members struggling with both mental illness and substance abuse and I wasn't as adroit at managing those issues.
Now my life is much better sorted out. Yes, it did take me longer to find the woman I am dating now, than it took me to find someone to date in my twenties. But I had a much better idea of exactly what type of woman I was looking for - what types of compromises I was and wasn't willing to make as well as why I was making those choices. I would say I run my relationships much better than I did when I was in my twenties. I am a much better boyfriend, I am much more emotionally present, I am much better at making my needs and wants clear, but I am much better at getting my girlfriend to communicate her needs and wants clear to me too. My relationship that I am having today is much better because of all of the anguish I went through and lessons I learned about myself during those periods of anguish.
I have none of the anger nor resentment that I sometimes felt in my twenties. I just have acceptance. Right now, my current relationship is going great. I am definitely falling hard for this woman. Some of that is undoubtedly the honeymoon phase, but I am much more appreciative of this relationship and where I am in it than I was in my twenties. In my twenties, I was taking the honeymoon phase much more for granted and so I didn't relish the good times of those relationships like I do this one.
But I also think I am much more resilient today than in my twenties. If the woman I am currently dating was to cheat on me, I would be upset, but know I have a much better idea of how to navigate that type of adversity. My family still has its problems, but I am managing them better too. Because I have a better idea of who I am adversity isn't the threat to my self identity that it was in my early 20's.
With you Moongirl, I read somewhere that it takes about half the time you were in a relationship to move beyond it. I think you might still need to finish processing and learning the lessons from your past relationship before you are quite ready to move on to the next relationship. That just takes some time. I think that is part of the reason we take some time away from dating sometimes or just slow the process down.
This is exactly my experience, too. Minus the Christian part
When I was younger, I was a fundamentalist Christian and that created a different set of challenges and opportunities, so my experiences might not be representative of other's experiences.
In some respects, finding a girl I would be willing to date was easier. There were fewer women who were married and/or had kids. Most women and most men at this age were roughly in the same position financially. Additionally, I didn't have any good idea of what I was looking for, nor why some women might be better or worse choices than others so any women would do. All of that made the initial search process much easier.
But I wasn't very good at getting my needs met in these relationships and I was not very good at getting women to clarify what they needed and expected from me. When things went bad, I didn't know how to fix things or even stand up for myself, so relationships were also harder for me to navigate and sometimes just really difficult on me and the women I was in the relationships with. I ended up in a relationship with a woman who cheated on me with her minister and that relationship threw me for a loop. I was angry at myself, at women and at God. Later, I was making choices that weren't really good for anyone. There is a song by the Clash, Lost in the Supermarket and that was kind of how I felt about myself in my late twenties.
My life was also just less well sorted out. I had family members struggling with both mental illness and substance abuse and I wasn't as adroit at managing those issues.
Now my life is much better sorted out. Yes, it did take me longer to find the woman I am dating now, than it took me to find someone to date in my twenties. But I had a much better idea of exactly what type of woman I was looking for - what types of compromises I was and wasn't willing to make as well as why I was making those choices. I would say I run my relationships much better than I did when I was in my twenties. I am a much better boyfriend, I am much more emotionally present, I am much better at making my needs and wants clear, but I am much better at getting my girlfriend to communicate her needs and wants clear to me too. My relationship that I am having today is much better because of all of the anguish I went through and lessons I learned about myself during those periods of anguish.
I have none of the anger nor resentment that I sometimes felt in my twenties. I just have acceptance. Right now, my current relationship is going great. I am definitely falling hard for this woman. Some of that is undoubtedly the honeymoon phase, but I am much more appreciative of this relationship and where I am in it than I was in my twenties. In my twenties, I was taking the honeymoon phase much more for granted and so I didn't relish the good times of those relationships like I do this one.
But I also think I am much more resilient today than in my twenties. If the woman I am currently dating was to cheat on me, I would be upset, but know I have a much better idea of how to navigate that type of adversity. My family still has its problems, but I am managing them better too. Because I have a better idea of who I am adversity isn't the threat to my self identity that it was in my early 20's.
With you Moongirl, I read somewhere that it takes about half the time you were in a relationship to move beyond it. I think you might still need to finish processing and learning the lessons from your past relationship before you are quite ready to move on to the next relationship. That just takes some time. I think that is part of the reason we take some time away from dating sometimes or just slow the process down.
This is a very insightful post.
I agree, there is a lot of learning and growing that happens. I am in my 40s now but most of my dating and relationship experience took place between 20 and 35. These were all pretty immature relationships focused mainly on having fun, doing fun things, going to Disneyland, having inside jokes, and often smoking reefer or drinking together. We weren't focused on building a future together or working on things like communication skills or trying to better our relationship skills.
I think maybe I am realizing its time to do relationships in a more mature way now. I'm in my 40s and no longer interested in just playing and I stopped smoking reefer like 8 years ago and probably wouldn't date a user because I would probably fall back into it and don't want to.
So a shift needs to be made in how I approach relationships and the kind of person I am looking to date. Maybe I am still figuring it out and just want more time to improve myself to be a good partner.
The last person I dated was a step up. He has never done a drug in his life, he is an extremely conscientious person with his life very much together. I enjoyed his company a lot and he enjoyed mine. But our goals for the future are just completely different.
But it was a step forward I think. I think its good to reflect like this to gain awareness of the ways we have improved in things and perhaps areas we could still work on. At least that has been my motivation for posting herr and getting feedback from others and their experiences.
I agree, there is a lot of learning and growing that happens. I am in my 40s now but most of my dating and relationship experience took place between 20 and 35. These were all pretty immature relationships focused mainly on having fun, doing fun things, going to Disneyland, having inside jokes, and often smoking reefer or drinking together. We weren't focused on building a future together or working on things like communication skills or trying to better our relationship skills.
I think maybe I am realizing its time to do relationships in a more mature way now. I'm in my 40s and no longer interested in just playing and I stopped smoking reefer like 8 years ago and probably wouldn't date a user because I would probably fall back into it and don't want to.
So a shift needs to be made in how I approach relationships and the kind of person I am looking to date. Maybe I am still figuring it out and just want more time to improve myself to be a good partner.
The last person I dated was a step up. He has never done a drug in his life, he is an extremely conscientious person with his life very much together. I enjoyed his company a lot and he enjoyed mine. But our goals for the future are just completely different.
But it was a step forward I think. I think its good to reflect like this to gain awareness of the ways we have improved in things and perhaps areas we could still work on. At least that has been my motivation for posting herr and getting feedback from others and their experiences.
I will also say that is okay to take some time to sort yourself out, in some respects I think you were dealing with much bigger dating problems in your thirties than even your twenties, and the issues that you were then and probably are still working through just take more time to process to just let yourself learn how to trust others again but also how to again trust your own judgements.
You have been dealing with some difficult dating challenges that are not ideal and that likely has made dating harder. But here is the thing, harder is just harder, that is all. So, it takes you a little more time, well then it takes you a little more time and that is ok. You are not in a race. What is important is you are back to enjoying the process and you are again living your life. When the time is right you can go back to dating.
I will also say that is okay to take some time to sort yourself out, in some respects I think you were dealing with much bigger dating problems in your thirties than even your twenties, and the issues that you were then and probably are still working through just take more time to process to just let yourself learn how to trust others again but also how to again trust your own judgements.
You have been dealing with some difficult dating challenges that are not ideal and that likely has made dating harder. But here is the thing, harder is just harder, that is all. So, it takes you a little more time, well then it takes you a little more time and that is ok. You are not in a race. What is important is you are back to enjoying the process and you are again living your life. When the time is right you can go back to dating.
That's a good thing to keep in mind. Its not a race. I think of it like a journey that doesn't necessarily have a destination. But every experience we encounter is a learning opportunity if we take the time to reflect and process it.
I don't even know if the challenges I have had are even necessarily bad or worse than what other people have had. But I know I have a temperament that doesn't really easily just let things go. I dwell a bit. This is both a strength and weakness. Dwelling is what helps us not make the same mistake again and again. Yet there is the danger of analysis paralysis as Sonic has mentioned before.
But again, its not a race. There's no finish line or destination. Perhaps this analysis is what I want to do now. And perhaps I am improving myself in the process, which is my intention. The more I know myself and have worked through the various kinks or flaws or whatever, the more I will be able to show up in a healthy way in my next relationship.
But I do know when I want to date again, absolutely nothing will stop me. Not even my own analysis paralysis. I do what I want to do when I want to.
It sounds like this is a good time for you to breathe and just have a “hot girl summer” for yourself. Delete all the dating apps, take down your social media, do fun stuff you like to do with friends or by yourself.
Honestly I don’t think the feelings are as intense as when we were young. They can still be amazing and special but there’s a reason why people remember their first love and early loves. It was extremely impressionable at a younger ages. Also, psychiatrists are now theorizing that most of us only fall truly and madly in love twice in our life. Some only once. The rest are fillers of sorts. Of course you can love others but this is the type of love where you give all of who you are to the other person. And most people are only wired to go through that once or twice in life.
Honestly I don’t think the feelings are as intense as when we were young. They can still be amazing and special but there’s a reason why people remember their first love and early loves. It was extremely impressionable at a younger ages. Also, psychiatrists are now theorizing that most of us only fall truly and madly in love twice in our life. Some only once. The rest are fillers of sorts. Of course you can love others but this is the type of love where you give all of who you are to the other person. And most people are only wired to go through that once or twice in life.
I think I kind of suspected some of this instinctively, which is why I held these opinions about finding love at an older age.
I am sad that my forays into falling in love were wasted on narcissists and toxic men. And it is sad that if I ever do manage to snag anyone, it won’t be a passionate, fiery, burning, young love, but more of a placeholder/filler type thing.
One thing I have observed is that just because I have really intense feelings for someone, doesn't mean that they'll last. I often think they will, but if things don't work out, then they do fade in time. I can certainly look back and remember how I felt about a few partners I was SUPER into at the time, and the ones that went sideways, there were all of these dramatic feels and the rollercoaster of big infatuation/big hurt and insecurity... But I tend to move on from that and like I said, it fades away.
The ones that do "work out"... For me that isn't only the relationship I am in now. I don't call relationships failures just because they don't end up being "me and you forever." But this marriage has mellowed into a generally warm and happy thing with occasional bursts of big loving feelings. It's not intense all the time anymore and I don't think that would be sustainable for my sanity anyways. But then there are the ones where somewhere along the way, we just realized that something more like friendship felt more natural for us, so rather than a big dramatic breakup, we just changed the terms and went on with something different. Still some fond and loving feelings there, but again...mellow.
What differences I could see between how that worked as a younger person, versus in my thirties? In my younger days I think I took the failed connections more personally. I felt more upset when I did not get what I wanted. I had less realistic acceptance that people were gonna be whoever they are gonna be, do whatever they are gonna do. I got more disappointed, more easily. And I was more free with those big infatuation feelings. I did not know how to slow things, moderate my investment and my behavior. Later in my life, particularly with one guy that I got emotionally into but who did not ultimately reciprocate that...it didn't take me all that long really, to just accept that it just wasn't gonna work in a way I might want, and to get on with my life without fighting it.
I have less patience for angst and melodrama, from myself. I may have indulged in it for a little bit, but I got sick of it a lot faster than my younger self would have...but I mean, I don't think it's that strange for a teenager to be all about the angst and melodrama.
Honestly I don’t think the feelings are as intense as when we were young. They can still be amazing and special but there’s a reason why people remember their first love and early loves. It was extremely impressionable at a younger ages. Also, psychiatrists are now theorizing that most of us only fall truly and madly in love twice in our life. Some only once. The rest are fillers of sorts. Of course you can love others but this is the type of love where you give all of who you are to the other person. And most people are only wired to go through that once or twice in life.
Might you share where you read that? I'd be interested in who is theorizing that and what the basis or evidence is for such a claim. Thank you!
In my experience, it's not the same level of excitement. If it starts that way, I have to ground myself and understand from my own history that it's the "lust" phase and will fade over time. Maybe it grows into something deeper, but I have very little trust that anyone is willing to do the work to get there.
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