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I was dating with a girl for about 8 months. It started casual, about 3 months in we both decided it is a relationship and we were ok with taking things more seriously as there was extremely good chemistry and we had much common ground.
About 5 months in , I told her I was in love with her. She said that she is not there yet.
One week before the breakup, we were on vacation together, we had the time of our life.
Even if she never said she was in love with me, her actions said otherwise. Apart from the time I declared that I’m in love, every other time she reciprocated my actions completely. I said I miss her, she said the same. Most of the times, she was more compassionate than me but even then I fully reciprocated.
After we returned from vacation, she said she wanted to talk. She said she wants to breakup because I’m more into the relationship than her. She said she has feelings for me but 8 months in she should have more.
2 days before that, she was telling me that she misses me. One night I wasn’t feeling very well and I fell asleep right away and she complained that I didn’t hug her before as I always do. I explained I wasn’t feeling very well and she said she thought she did something and seemed very relieved.
Two days before the breakup she even left her sleeping clothes at my place.
She said she wanted to end things now because in a few days she leaves town for university exams and after she returns she may have reconsidered but now she is not emotionally available.
I told her I intend to erase her number and social media and she didn’t like that. She said if she wants to text me she won’t be able if I erase her. She said she gives a good possibility that when she returns she may be emotionally available but now she is not.
I’m at a loss and constantly thinking her. The only comforting thought is that she will change her mind and come back. It was so sudden. Anyone can offer a piece of advise?
Hi Atopos:
I'm really sorry you are at a loss and are suffering. Anyone would feel the same.
However, you need to consider things from her point of view.
Your friend hasn't led you on. She didn't say she loved you and then take it back. She has consistently expressed that she has feelings for you but feels your feelings are at a different level. This clearly is a concern for her and she wants some space to sort it out and also to take care of her educational responsibilities that are making demands on her. Nothing wrong in how she is handling things--she is being direct and honest. She wants to have the flexibility to return to the conversation and is even feeling positive she will.
Your approach is far less flexible. You exerted more pressure by threatening to block her on cell, text and social media. You are essentially punishing her for her honesty and her request for space and that's immature and not something a man would do who is loving.
You're hurt and impatient and frustrated.
Understand that people fall in love differently. She may take more time. She may have a difficult attachment history. Eight months is very short.
My advice is to apologize to her for your reaction on blocking her, wish her luck with her exams and tell her you will be available if and when she would be open to discussing her concerns.
Do not text her or call her or post sad things on social media after that. Let her have her space.
She has feelings for you---give her time.
Good luck!
I was dating with a girl for about 8 months. It started casual, about 3 months in we both decided it is a relationship and we were ok with taking things more seriously as there was extremely good chemistry and we had much common ground.
About 5 months in , I told her I was in love with her. She said that she is not there yet.
One week before the breakup, we were on vacation together, we had the time of our life.
Even if she never said she was in love with me, her actions said otherwise. Apart from the time I declared that I’m in love, every other time she reciprocated my actions completely. I said I miss her, she said the same. Most of the times, she was more compassionate than me but even then I fully reciprocated.
After we returned from vacation, she said she wanted to talk. She said she wants to breakup because I’m more into the relationship than her. She said she has feelings for me but 8 months in she should have more.
My advice is to believe a woman when she tells you how she feels. She cared about you. She had feelings for you. But she's not in love with you, so she let you go. That is the grown-up thing to do, although I wouldn't have said that I may feel differently later. That sounds like a teaser to keep you hanging around while she decides what she wants to do with her life.
FWIW, I see things her way: If I am not in love after 8 months, I never will be, especially if we take a vacation together.
I was dating with a girl for about 8 months. It started casual, about 3 months in we both decided it is a relationship and we were ok with taking things more seriously as there was extremely good chemistry and we had much common ground.
About 5 months in , I told her I was in love with her. She said that she is not there yet.
One week before the breakup, we were on vacation together, we had the time of our life.
Even if she never said she was in love with me, her actions said otherwise. Apart from the time I declared that I’m in love, every other time she reciprocated my actions completely. I said I miss her, she said the same. Most of the times, she was more compassionate than me but even then I fully reciprocated.
After we returned from vacation, she said she wanted to talk. She said she wants to breakup because I’m more into the relationship than her. She said she has feelings for me but 8 months in she should have more.
2 days before that, she was telling me that she misses me. One night I wasn’t feeling very well and I fell asleep right away and she complained that I didn’t hug her before as I always do. I explained I wasn’t feeling very well and she said she thought she did something and seemed very relieved.
Two days before the breakup she even left her sleeping clothes at my place.
She said she wanted to end things now because in a few days she leaves town for university exams and after she returns she may have reconsidered but now she is not emotionally available.
I told her I intend to erase her number and social media and she didn’t like that. She said if she wants to text me she won’t be able if I erase her. She said she gives a good possibility that when she returns she may be emotionally available but now she is not.
I’m at a loss and constantly thinking her. The only comforting thought is that she will change her mind and come back. It was so sudden. Anyone can offer a piece of advise?
Yup.
First of all, please don't think/believe that if *you* feel a certain way about someone--no matter what they do or say--that THEY "should" feel the same way. Love don't work like that.
If you told her, after 5 months that you were in love with her, and she said she "wasn't there", chances are, that she'll NEVER be there. Does it happen SOMETIMES? Sure. But don't get to the point to where you think, "Well, if it happened to others, it can happen to ME!" It's actually pretty rare.
Even after 8 months, she's not as into you as you'd like her to be. I'd suggest moving on.
By hangin' on, the only person you're gonna hurt is YOU. Go on with your life as if she's NOT going to change her mind.
Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, I know, this is a first-time-ish poster...
An anecdote: once I was in a serious relationship. This guy was asking when we would get engaged, when was I moving in with him (both common topics for him), making plans with me for an event with his family next month, etc.
Less than a week later, he was ghosting me and then dumping me over email for the mutual friend he'd been cheating with, and spreading lies to all of our friends about how horribly I'd allegedly treated him and how unhappy he'd supposedly been in the relationship for years (trying to cover his tracks), being snarky and bitter in any communicaton when I was trying to get my stuff back from him, etc.
IOW... people can act like they're into you and then dump you seemingly out of the blue.
Meanwhile, block her as you've already planned. Do you really want to be sitting holding your breath by the phone on her back burner and putting your life on hold in case some day she decides she might want you again? Do you really want to be with someone who treats you this way?
I was dating with a girl for about 8 months. It started casual, about 3 months in we both decided it is a relationship and we were ok with taking things more seriously as there was extremely good chemistry and we had much common ground.
About 5 months in , I told her I was in love with her. She said that she is not there yet.
One week before the breakup, we were on vacation together, we had the time of our life.
Even if she never said she was in love with me, her actions said otherwise. Apart from the time I declared that I’m in love, every other time she reciprocated my actions completely. I said I miss her, she said the same. Most of the times, she was more compassionate than me but even then I fully reciprocated.
After we returned from vacation, she said she wanted to talk. She said she wants to breakup because I’m more into the relationship than her. She said she has feelings for me but 8 months in she should have more.
2 days before that, she was telling me that she misses me. One night I wasn’t feeling very well and I fell asleep right away and she complained that I didn’t hug her before as I always do. I explained I wasn’t feeling very well and she said she thought she did something and seemed very relieved.
Two days before the breakup she even left her sleeping clothes at my place.
She said she wanted to end things now because in a few days she leaves town for university exams and after she returns she may have reconsidered but now she is not emotionally available.
I told her I intend to erase her number and social media and she didn’t like that. She said if she wants to text me she won’t be able if I erase her. She said she gives a good possibility that when she returns she may be emotionally available but now she is not.
I’m at a loss and constantly thinking her. The only comforting thought is that she will change her mind and come back. It was so sudden. Anyone can offer a piece of advise?
Awww, she didn't like it, huh? Well, tough to that.
My rule is you leave, you stay gone. No 'crawling back on your knees to me' crapola. I have no time for that mess. Once you go, *I* go.
She wants to have her proverbial cake and munch on it too. Nuh-uh, no way. Tell her "nope" to that.
I always say "choose wisely" because with me there's no changing minds, no backtracking, none of it allowed.
- too needy
- too ficked/flakey...not ready for a relationship
- may want to yo-yo you around...this week.month she wants you, then next week/month she doesn't, etc.
How long is she gone for these university exams that she thinks she's not emotionally ready, but might be when they're over? I'm thinking 1-2 weeks. So how can she change on a dime that fast?
You never saw any red flags in the first 8 mos of dating her? I wouldn't want somone like that.
You were having the time of your life, and you were feeling more chemistry than she was. She may have felt you were a little too needy for her. And now she wants and needs to focus on exams, not your feelings. She is doing the mature thing. She has told you upfront how it is for her.
There is a saying... absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe she will come back more ready for a relationship. There's also another saying - out of sight, out of mind.
I suggest you stop contact with her. You don't need to block her, but quit trying to tie her down to you. Date other people while she is away Don't sit around waiting. Your neediness is making you into an emotional vampire. Let her breathe. You are probably sucking the life out of her. If she cares for you she will be back. If she doesn't, do you really want her?
First of all, please don't think/believe that if *you* feel a certain way about someone--no matter what they do or say--that THEY "should" feel the same way. Love don't work like that.
If you told her, after 5 months that you were in love with her, and she said she "wasn't there", chances are, that she'll NEVER be there. Does it happen SOMETIMES? Sure. But don't get to the point to where you think, "Well, if it happened to others, it can happen to ME!" It's actually pretty rare.
Even after 8 months, she's not as into you as you'd like her to be. I'd suggest moving on.
By hangin' on, the only person you're gonna hurt is YOU. Go on with your life as if she's NOT going to change her mind.
Yeah, it sounds like she was in "fake it until you make it" mindset, and the vacation was the last straw. She wasn't feeling what the OP was feeling, and she had to shut it down.
Sounds more like she wanted to take a break rather than break up.
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to that.
