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It's not a "compromise" if someone ONLY cooks so they can avoid doing the dishes because they hate doing dishes.
My late husband and I both loved to cook. But for the first 4 months or so in our relationship. *he* did ALL of the cooking. At first I thought, "He may be trying to impress me with his culinary skills." He insisted on cooking. I only got clued in when we had his parents over for Thanksgiving. He did most of the cooking, and was very "iffy" that *I* did some of it. While doing dishes, his mother came in the kitchen and said, "So, he still hates doing dishes." At that moment, I realized that he cooked because he knew that if he did, the other person would have to do a task that he hated.
After we talked about this, I cooked, and it was his turn to do the dishes. My goodness...if he moaned and groaned any louder, our neighbors would have called the cops, suspecting he was getting a beating!
This is the same guy who didn't think that moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer was part of "doing the laundry."
This was interesting to read. Thanks for sharing.
When I cook, it is only up to the point where I won't mind washing dishes. I reached this point one day when my family felt that they had contributed by tidying up the house. Well, geesh. I would rather vacuum than plan a meal, buy the groceries, prep the food, cook it, serve it AND clean after it.
I am not sure why you are so aggressive and dramatic.
I don't like cleaning my car. He does it for me regularly. Then we detail our cars together because it takes hours and is more fun together. It is a give and take.
We each pitch in and share chores by me doing what he hates and him doing what I hate and some together because it is more fun. Both doing dishes just to prove a point and not give in a bit does not make sense to me for my relationships. I don't mind doing dishes, he hates it.
If you want to sleep in separate rooms just to have a few degrees more or less - awesome. I would never do that, ever. For me, it would be the end of my relationship if he insists on a specific temperature without budging so I have to sleep somewhere else.
Oh, I am aggressive and dramatic. Chinese dragon. So?
We married later in life and are set in our ways BUT we like being together. We make it work with a lot of joy and laughter. And there’s no effing way I’m going to be the only one who washes dishes around here. Sorry.
My second husband was a person that shared half of all the work without being asked. No problem in that department at all. He was 9 years older than me and thought he should be my boss. I am very easy going but have limits. He was also very controlling. I was married to him for 22 years until my kids were grown up. When I divorced him it was like breaking out of jail). # 1 and I were just too young to be married so that only lasted 3 years.
When I cook, it is only up to the point where I won't mind washing dishes. I reached this point one day when my family felt that they had contributed by tidying up the house. Well, geesh. I would rather vacuum than plan a meal, buy the groceries, prep the food, cook it, serve it AND clean after it.
I no longer get asked where's the side dish.
LOL! I got no problem cooking, and even cleaning up as I go. But you KNOW there comes a point when you just can't do that before serving a meal. You serve it out of pots and pans...spatulas...serving spoons. Heck, I live alone, and when I 'clean as I go', quite often, after I've cooked a meal for myself, I still have about 15 items I'd have to clean (I don't have a dishwasher, but even with a dishwasher, you still have to 'rinse')
What really used to p*ss me off, was that after dinner, he would insist that we both sit down, and watch *his* favorite t.v. program...,
...as if elves would come in and soak the dishes, scrub them clean, and put them away...
HE wasn't about to do that. WHO else was left?
Yeah, he didn't have a very realistic grasp on life...
The thing is, that there's a number of guys who don't believe that happens.
I've been pondering this question for longer than I care to.
We've seen a lot of marriages on here where people share and their marriages really seem to work. We've also seen a lot of relationships that will never work. My ex b/f wants me to come back and I just don't see how I can. He doesn't see that his needs trump mine. He would like it to work, but he can't see his way to that.
In my life I've had only a few actual, long-term relationships, one long one (marriage) and 2 short ones (less than 5 years). In each case, there were too many hurdles to overcome. I feel as though I've had to compromise too much. Even where I live now, my housemate is very different than I am. His girlfriend is the one who should be living here! They are exactly alike in their living styles. (That might happen in the future but who knows.) I usually end up with men who have very different ideas and wants in daily life, and it always ended up in my either compromising too much for comfort or having to end the relationship. For example: clutter. I don't like clutter. I'm not a neat freak by any stretch but I don't like clutter or hoarding. Another example: this is a big one for couples: the thermostat. Another example: light vs. dark. I like light - lots of it. Others like a dark room. There are other examples, but those are the ones that come to mind at the moment.
These things seem trivial but they cause a lot of issues in day-to-day living, not to mention other more life-altering issues.
For those who have a long term successful marriage, who does the most compromising and who "gets their way" for lack of a better term? I'm really curious.
Those things are very trivial.
She likes it cold and like it not so cold, so if she turns the AC up, I'll turn it down a notch, and so until one of us gives up. But it's not like I would ever think of not being in a relationship with someone for that reason.
When I think compromise I think ... I'll keep working and pay the bills so you can quit your job that you hate and figure something out.
Or ... We're going to keep living in a place instead of moving so you can take care of your elderly mom.
She likes it cold and like it not so cold, so if she turns the AC up, I'll turn it down a notch, and so until one of us gives up. But it's not like I would ever think of not being in a relationship with someone for that reason.
When I think compromise I think ... I'll keep working and pay the bills so you can quit your job that you hate and figure something out.
Or ... We're going to keep living in a place instead of moving so you can take care of your elderly mom.
If you are physically uncomfortable all the time because too hot or cold it is a problem. If someone has to give up then it's a competition where someone loses and that isn't right. I wonder if the loser is always the same person. Something like that is a problem that needs discussion and maybe there is some solution (using separate rooms for some things, or changing some aspect of the heating/cooling system, etc.) they just haven't thought up because someone is supposed to just give up.
I don't know why people don't brainstorm and do more problem solving. It's fun and satisfying to find solutions that limit these compromises that can wear on people.
If my husband leaves out dirty glasses and I already mentioned it to him, I don't repeat the same thing. I explain it in a different way that is relaxing to me and is meant to leave an impression on him. Usually, I leave thinly sliced apples in the fridge which are my favorite snack. They get dipped in yogurt and if I am starving I snack on that. That is the "relaxing" part. When he comes home and wonders what is for dinner, I tell him I can't motivate myself to start dinner when there are dirty dishes. The next time it happens, I just bring out my apples and say, "I'm stressed."
The compromise simply means that it may happen again, but my response will be different. In other words, I don't expect to ever wash his dirty glasses on days I am stressed. The way I know I can't trust my husband is if he blows up on me or calls me names.
I'm happy for you if this strategy works but that sounds completely non-functional. If I came home and my wife said "I'm stressed" while snacking on her relaxing food I'd assume that there was something big happening; work, the kids, her mom. Certainly not the dirty dishes that had been mentioned once (and it is unclear but the implication is that it is once ever).
Way back in #16...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mink57
Pathrunner isn't talking about "who gets their way." She's asking about compromise...which means that neither person "gets their way", but that BOTH people have to "give a little" depending on what "it" is.
I think compromise needs communication. Sometimes it can be neither person getting their way but figuring out an intermediate action or a sharing situation. Othertimes it needs a lot more discussion about exactly how important various things are. Making the dirty glass supremely important in your mind but never telling your partner that it means that much to you is a failure of communication not a failure of compromise.
If you are physically uncomfortable all the time because too hot or cold it is a problem. If someone has to give up then it's a competition where someone loses and that isn't right. I wonder if the loser is always the same person. Something like that is a problem that needs discussion and maybe there is some solution (using separate rooms for some things, or changing some aspect of the heating/cooling system, etc.) they just haven't thought up because someone is supposed to just give up.
I don't know why people don't brainstorm and do more problem solving. It's fun and satisfying to find solutions that limit these compromises that can wear on people.
It's not a problem for us at all. It's not a lot of back and forth, just once or twice.
It's just the way it was stated. We talk about it.
CD Forum tries to turn everything into marriage counseling...
I'm not saying we don't have problems, we do, but by god .... that is not one of them.
My husband and I met and got married in our 40s. There is already a certain amount of "I'm used to doing this my way" when you marry someone at that age. For example, when you're single, you're used to having all the covers on the bed to yourself. We solved that issue by putting 2 flat sheets on the bed, and we never fight over the covers. It doesn't look so neat...but who cares. No one sees our bedroom.
I love the ocean, and the beach. My husband...eh, not so much. Our compromise is...we go somewhere we both love for vacation. New Orleans. I haven't been to the ocean in about 10 years. I miss it, but who knows, maybe the opportunity will come up again.
My husband is retired now, and has really stepped up when it comes to household chores. He does it ALL, except my laundry. I'm picky about my stuff, so I asked him to leave my stuff alone. Sometimes I'll see something that I think needs to be cleaned, dusted, scrubbed...whatever...and I'll do it. It's always been my mantra, if something is bothering me, I'll take care of it if I can. Otherwise, I'll ask for help.
I'm thankful that he and I have similar tastes in things we enjoy doing, and thus, we can enjoy spending time together. We have similar tastes in music, some hobbies, etc. We don't have to be joined at the hip 24/7, but we can be happy together doing stuff together as well. And maybe because of that, we can also happily let the other go and do their thing from time to time. No resentments. "You and Ray want to go watch the game at the bar? Do I want to go? No thanks hun. Go. Have fun. Call me if you need a ride." "Hun, a bunch of folks from COG are meeting up at such and such a restaurant. You want to go with me?" "No thanks. Go and have fun sweetie. Be careful."
I'm not sure why someone would think some posters are trying to turn everything into marriage counseling on C-D.
My intention in starting this thread was to learn about what successful couples have done to compromise. It's natural to have annoyances but I'm more interested in what has worked for people.
I hope more people contribute in that vein. We've seen how annoyances can get in the way of compromise.
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). # 1 and I were just too young to be married so that only lasted 3 years.
