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I'm happy for you if this strategy works but that sounds completely non-functional. If I came home and my wife said "I'm stressed" while snacking on her relaxing food I'd assume that there was something big happening; work, the kids, her mom. Certainly not the dirty dishes that had been mentioned once (and it is unclear but the implication is that it is once ever).
Way back in #16...
I think compromise needs communication. Sometimes it can be neither person getting their way but figuring out an intermediate action or a sharing situation. Othertimes it needs a lot more discussion about exactly how important various things are. Making the dirty glass supremely important in your mind but never telling your partner that it means that much to you is a failure of communication not a failure of compromise.
I am not a good writer for sure so I can see why it looks dysfunctional with key details missing. The post I was referring to was the one below, especially the bolded part. The wife doesn't leave because of a dirty glass. Instead she leaves for some deeper reason that seems to be difficult to articulate. What I am proposing is not repeating myself, even if it is supremely important to me, because then it sounds like I am nagging. So I just take a different approach and that has more to do with my personality of cleaning everything on the spot and getting super stressed about it.
I hope this is better, not that you will like it, but I hope it sheds more light on it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by pathrunner
Regarding the blog post link that was posted earlier, this stood out to me:
"The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink.
She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner. She can’t trust him. She can’t be safe with him. Thus, she must leave and find a new situation in which she can feel content and secure."
The important thing was that the author (a man) realized the above and had regrets. It works for women too, not just men. It's not about the picky, trivial things. It's about the larger issue, articulated above.
It's about respecting the needs of others (not just one way, as someone accused me of doing), its about respecting and adjusting, which takes willingness, commitment and work.
LOL! I got no problem cooking, and even cleaning up as I go. But you KNOW there comes a point when you just can't do that before serving a meal. You serve it out of pots and pans...spatulas...serving spoons. Heck, I live alone, and when I 'clean as I go', quite often, after I've cooked a meal for myself, I still have about 15 items I'd have to clean (I don't have a dishwasher, but even with a dishwasher, you still have to 'rinse')
What really used to p*ss me off, was that after dinner, he would insist that we both sit down, and watch *his* favorite t.v. program...,
...as if elves would come in and soak the dishes, scrub them clean, and put them away...
HE wasn't about to do that. WHO else was left?
Yeah, he didn't have a very realistic grasp on life...
The thing is, that there's a number of guys who don't believe that happens.
Uh, yeah. It does. MORE than they think...
OMG! 15 items!
I know a husband like yours. To be more accurate, he never wants to see his wife cleaning, but he wants a clean house.
I am not a good writer for sure so I can see why it looks dysfunctional with key details missing. The post I was referring to was the one below, especially the bolded part. The wife doesn't leave because of a dirty glass. Instead she leaves for some deeper reason that seems to be difficult to articulate. What I am proposing is not repeating myself, even if it is supremely important to me, because then it sounds like I am nagging. So I just take a different approach and that has more to do with my personality of cleaning everything on the spot and getting super stressed about it.
I hope this is better, not that you will like it, but I hope it sheds more light on it.
I'm not sure what you meant. Did you rewrite the blog quote to reflect more what you were trying to say?
I'm not sure what you meant. Did you rewrite the blog quote to reflect more what you were trying to say?
Rewrite it? Are you referring to the part where I said there is some deeper message that is difficult to articulate? Otherwise, I think I understood the blog.
I still don't understand. Did the author of the blog post not adequately articulate what he was trying to communicate about his former marriage?
Oh no. I think he did okay even if I didn't agree with some parts of his conclusion. True. It sounds starnge to divorce over dirty glasses, but he mentions it because that is the current perception. He goes on to say there is a more legitimate reason that might not be fully communicated. What I am saying is that I wouldn't divorce my husband even over that.
I think you missed his point entirely.
"She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner. She can’t trust him. She can’t be safe with him. Thus, she must leave and find a new situation in which she can feel content and secure."
I don't understand why that doesn't communicate what happened between them. He realized that he had failed to do the above and that's why he lost her. It was not at all about dirty glasses.
I think you missed his point entirely.
"She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner. She can’t trust him. She can’t be safe with him. Thus, she must leave and find a new situation in which she can feel content and secure."
I don't understand why that doesn't communicate what happened between them. He realized that he had failed to do the above and that's why he lost her. It was not at all about dirty glasses.
Okay, so that was her reason and not his. I thought he was drawing that conclusion. In that case, yes, if she felt that leaving dirty glasses out was a sign of disrespect which means that she cannot be safe with a person who disrespects her, then, yes, she has to leave him.
What I am saying is that dirty glasses don't make me feel insecure in our relationship because I don't automatically see it as disrespect, but it is totally fine for other people to feel that way. I have my own line that I drew in the sand.
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