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This can apply to everyday issues but I'm thinking mostly of big problems like illness, serious money problems, etc. I see so many things that get out of hand because one party didn't communicate or take any action - basically head in the sand doing nothing then it all blows up.
I wonder how common it is because it I've seen it a lot and experienced it also.
What would that look like in the case of illness? One partner not communicating to the other the seriousness of their illness? Or not taking recommended action on their own illness? I'm having trouble understanding the scenarios you have in mind.
What would that look like in the case of illness? One partner not communicating to the other the seriousness of their illness? Or not taking recommended action on their own illness? I'm having trouble understanding the scenarios you have in mind.
Partner of sick person doesn't want to talk about it/ doesn't take it seriously because they cant handle problems. Saw it with the father of a sick kid, dad wouldn't listen to the wife about what the kid needed, checked out mentally instead. Also remember a woman who would not support her husband being on a special diet for his health, she just chose to ignore it and would even tempt him with meals that were prohibited for him. She wasnt a mean person, just had this kind of problem.
If you handled life that way, I assume your life would be a total mess.
I can't say I know too many if any people like that who will just shut off in the face of a problem. I might, but those people haven't faced large problems yet.
As a matter of fact people are more likely to broadcast their large problems to as many people as possible (social media) to help them get through it.
I have a person (not a partner nor a boyfriend nor a spouse) in my life who gives very destructive ugly silent treatments rather than talk about or work through any conflict or problem that comes up.
He lacks emotional maturity, in a big way.
And he is not able to activate emotional intelligence.
He says he is 'poor in dealing with conflict'.
He most always resorts to the brutal silent treatments rather than any other approach.
It is frustrating and hurtful - and silent treatments are meant to emotionally wound and in all literature (articles) are deemed emotionally abusive.
He feels that he must 'win' when any problem or conflict arises.
For me, it would likely be heavily weighted in my long standing philosophy that my problems are mine to solve, and for me to solicit input might be interpreted as weakness. So, my perspective is that it was my duty to "soldier-on" etc.
Now, if a partner recognized that I had a problem, and volunteered what appeared to be constructive* advice, I believe that I could surely listen, and be grateful for the solace and intent.....but it would feel "weak" for me to initiate such an exchange.
* The "help" would have to be framed in a "we" frame of reference for me to accept as "constructive", I do believe. If alternatively it was a "hands on hips" critique of what got me into whatever dilemma,....that in my opinion would NOT be constructive, and I suspect I would just build a thicker wall.
Now, let's tilt the playing field a bit, and contemplate what my first thought was when reading this thread title, the "fair weather friend". What about partners who are 100% so long as the outlook is sunny, but turn into festering balls of ridicule should things go awry?
That, to me personally, appears to be the more likely risk once "problems" manifest themselves in proportions large enough to be decoded by the significant other.
<edit add> I HOPE the intended spirit of this thread wasn't "I keep asking my husband to go get his roids clipped, but he won't even talk about it" lol!
Last edited by Always Needmore; 11-20-2022 at 03:52 PM..
For me, it would likely be heavily weighted in my long standing philosophy that my problems are mine to solve, and for me to solicit input might be interpreted as weakness. So, my perspective is that it was my duty to "soldier-on" etc.
Now, if a partner recognized that I had a problem, and volunteered what appeared to be constructive* advice, I believe that I could surely listen, and be grateful for the solace and intent.....but it would feel "weak" for me to initiate such an exchange.
* The "help" would have to be framed in a "we" frame of reference for me to accept as "constructive", I do believe. If alternatively it was a "hands on hips" critique of what got me into whatever dilemma,....that in my opinion would NOT be constructive, and I suspect I would just build a thicker wall.
Now, let's tilt the playing field a bit, and contemplate what my first thought was when reading this thread title, the "fair weather friend". What about partners who are 100% so long as the outlook is sunny, but turn into festering balls of ridicule should things go awry?
.
That is interesting in blue - what do you think your thoughts and actions and behavior in blue are rooted in?
That is interesting in blue - what do you think your thoughts and actions and behavior in blue are rooted in?
I would say, in the first two it would be a mixture of ego, self reliance, and a desire to solve the problems "my" way. (I hate it when others solicit my advice, but then don't follow it so it would feel hypocritical for me to do the same)
In the case of the last "blue", ....I'd chalk that up to past experience. It's easy to be a critic,..etc
Partner of sick person doesn't want to talk about it/ doesn't take it seriously because they cant handle problems. Saw it with the father of a sick kid, dad wouldn't listen to the wife about what the kid needed, checked out mentally instead. Also remember a woman who would not support her husband being on a special diet for his health, she just chose to ignore it and would even tempt him with meals that were prohibited for him. She wasnt a mean person, just had this kind of problem.
Ive seen that in my own extended family. An aunt was such a chocoholic, that she always served desert, often cakes with chocolate frosting, chocolate decadence deserts, etc, even though a) she often confided in her siblings that she needed to lose weight, and b) her husband was diabetic, and of course, he couldn't resist the special deserts she served. I never understood that. It seemed callous toward her husband.
That dad you mention sounds like a guy who had his heart set on having a son who was into sports and other "guy" stuff with which he could bond with his son. Was the kid a boy? Or maybe he just couldn't handle having a child that required special attention and special treatments.
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so it would feel hypocritical for me to do the same)
