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I am wondering, any women on the earth would be financially compatible with him? Would feeling happy to live a lifestyle like his?
In the past. we had several threads started by women who had moved in with, or married, men who were compulsively, irrationally "frugal", i.e. "cheap". None of them were able to endure the situation long-term. There were none of the usual thoughtful little gestures toward them,that are a normal part of relationships; an occasional dinner out, holiday and birthday gifts, a weekend romantic getaway, small thoughtful gestures at home. This is one thing that contributes to bonding and caring. And of course, it's usually a reciprocal thing; it's enjoyable to treat each other, give each other little surprises now and then, and so on.
OP, the extreme nature of your bf's "frugality" is indicative of some form of mental illness. This "frugality" is compulsive and irrational to the point of endangering himself and others. Obsessive-compulsive behavior is a mental illness. And you say, you realized it's probably connected to a degree of autism.
Is there a reason you feel you can't find a better partner? Or is it the "chemistry" you two have together, and mutual interests, plus this "good man" image, that leads you to settle for these crumbs? You need to have more esteem for yourself. Is there a cultural difference between yourself and your bf, or the norm in whichever country you live in? Are you in the US? I detect a slight accent in your posts. Sometimes it can be difficult to put personalities in perspective, when one is living outside one's own culture.
In any case, I think you've received some good responses and guidance here. Follow your instincts. Listen to that little voice inside, that's trying to warn you about this situation. Trust your inner voice. It has your best interests at heart.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-14-2023 at 11:28 AM..
I was really enjoy it at the beginning because of the chemistry and common interests. Besides his coworker told me he was a nice guy.
I like frugal behaviors too. I am frugal.
Now, the feeling of enjoying is dropping and the worry is increasing.
I am worry about the long term.
I agree that He is really like a man-child. He told me he was a good man to looking for a wife (not just sex). But I think his idea and imagination about getting married and having a wife is like "play house". He seems have no idea about what is the responsibility a mature man should offer in a serious relationship, unless I told him what to do.
I am really worried.
And this is why good nice guys always lose. The guy who wants to do good by you is called "man child" but the guy who has all the things you want but won't commit is awesome right? We men can't win . Please tell us what "a mature responsible man" should be doing.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,701 posts, read 41,816,786 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycheepeel
I have been dating a guy for almost 10 months. He is almost 40 but still living with his mother without*paying rent . Most of the time I feel safe around him due to his emotional stability (he is very calm compared to my ex). But I am really worried about the relationship in the long term due to his extreme frugal/cheap behaviors.
Just a couple of examples to show:
1, He eats expired food. Some have expired for YEARS.
2. He is driving a car that looks fine but it is unable to pass the inspection. The vehicle's instrument Panel / Car Dashboard are not working. So he doesn't even know how full the gas tank is. He just always remembers to refill the gas). As well as speedometer. He has no idea how fast he is driving unless he try to connect the car with an app on his phone.
3. The AC in his house broke during summer. In order to fix it by the cheapest way (looking for cheapest parts, borrowing tools from friends, collecting information of how to fix), he was willing to live without AC for FIVE WEEKS, while the highest temperature*of these weeks*were exceeding 104F.
He makes almost the same as me (very typical*middle*class salary) so his behavior is not due to low income.
He lives with his mother and he doesn't*pay any rent so he doesn't have a huge expense or debt to worry about.
He does not have any plan of buying a house or pursuing a degree, so he is not thrifty because of a goal to achieve.
I'd say it is his HOBBY or OCD to be extremely thrifty.
I am a frugal person so I appreciate people who are good with money. However, I do not want to live a lifestyle*where I feel my health and safety might be at risk.
I have addressed to him that I am not comfortable eating expired or unfresh food (such as repeated thawed chicken from weeks ago), but he tried to convince*me there was not*any risk because*I did not get sick from the food.
In order to avoid the potential risk, the majority of our dates are at my place so I can guarantee the safety of the food. At the beginning I would not mind it and always try to get some good food for him. But after a while I started feeling the contribution to the relationship became very unequal. Because I am paying most of the expense of our food.
I tried to ask him to take me to restaurants and some other places for fun,*so he could "pay back" a little bit. But he would act reluctant*so it makes me feel uncomfortable to be "pushy". That also makes me feel reluctant to order nicer food. I feel like I should only get the cheapest ones so he would not feel too bad.
I was thinking of getting him to buy more groceries to bring to my home, but because he is extremely inefficient (takes a huge amount of time for him to decide which is "worth" to purchase), in the end I can't wait so I would still be the one to buy things.
I was talking to him, hoping he could move in with me, so that way we could share the expenses together, and work together to see if we could truly get along. However he told me his mom would feel uncomfortable when he moves out, so I am not sure when it would become possible.
I feel suspicious because he isn't paying anything living with his mother, so sharing the expense with me would become a new "cost" to him. This change might make him feel very uncomfortable.
The reason why I am still in the relationship is because the majority of his coworkers say he is a good person. Also I appreciate his emotional stability. We share similar interests and there is chemistry between us.
However, I am really worried about the long term relationship. From what I have observed so far, He seems not really contributing much. I am worried I will get into a marriage that I have to risk my health and safety to have a cheap lifestyle, or, if I want to keep my current lifestyle, I will have to pay most of the expenses.* And also, I have to do most of the house work as well, because he is wasting so much time on getting "great deals", he often does not have much energy*to be proactive to do anything, and certainly would miss the*gift for the*important dates, unless I push.
Any advice?
Should I continue the relationship?
If Yes, what should I do to make a healthy relationship that both of us contribute equally? If not, please tell me the bad consequences of being with this guy so I could move on quickly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AfriqueNY
And this is why good nice guys always lose. The guy who wants to do good by you is called "man child" but the guy who has all the things you want but won't commit is awesome right? We men can't win . Please tell us what "a mature responsible man" should be doing.
The OPs guy is nowhere in the vicinity of being a good nice guy. A good nice guy would not have his momma sitting in a house without AC in the summer for five weeks. A good nice guy would not have his woman feel reluctant to go out to a nice restaurant once in a while. A good nice guy would not be living with his mother and not contribute a dime while making a reasonable salary. A good nice guy would at least keep his car up to the bare minimum of being roadworthy and not being a danger to everyone on the road.
The OPs guy is nowhere in the vicinity of being a good nice guy. A good nice guy would not have his momma sitting in a house without AC in the summer for five weeks. A good nice guy would not have his woman feel reluctant to go out to a nice restaurant once in a while. A good nice guy would not be living with his mother and not contribute a dime while making a reasonable salary. A good nice guy would at least keep his car up to the bare minimum of being roadworthy and not being a danger to everyone on the road.
What you describe is a provider. Besides. Women don't need a man's money? Right?
I bet this guy is loaded. All in savings. Sign the contract and take half..lol. This guy should keep his dough and keep living with his momma cause this new modern world of dating is upside down. Hypergamy is undefeated.
And this is why good nice guys always lose. The guy who wants to do good by you is called "man child" but the guy who has all the things you want but won't commit is awesome right? We men can't win . Please tell us what "a mature responsible man" should be doing.
Willing to commit is good, but not enough. Think about it, if a guy who let the woman paying for everything, making her do all the housework, he is only responsible for sleeping, eating, playing games and enjoying sex. Is it still good? To him, a wife is just a free maid, cooker, and sex toy. What is the point of his "loyalty" and "commit" to the marriage? He commits to endless benefits.
Most women would not consider a guy who won't commit as a good guy. But comparing to a "Loyal freeloader", a guy who temporarily treat you good is better.
A mature responsible man should at least understand:
1. A healthy relationship is based on equal contribution (He should be willing to contribute proactively).
2. Self-growth and development are important, because new skills and maturity helps you making your patterner feel safe and peace.
3. Understanding the difference between opposite sex. Willing to stand in patterner's shoes to understand her needs. Even though that need might not be necessary to you.
I am the OP. I would start dating my boyfriend because of his willingness of commit, beside his good reputation form coworkers, and common interests and chemistry.
I call him man child is reasonable, because:
1. He doesn't have idea how to contribute unless I ask. (I think a good man should claim to pay for the grocery if he saw the woman has paid several times.)
2. He doesn't understand the importance of living alone, so he could gain the skill of being independent. He thinks it is okay to let the mom tell him what to do. (He would say he doesn't think it is okay, but he let his mom controls him)
3. He doesn't understand his frugal behavior could be comfortable for him, but could cause damage to other's life quality and feelings.
Thanks for pointing out the significance of this aspect of the guy's penny-pinching. This should not be glossed over or underestimated. OP, he could end up killing himself or others, or both of you. But in his mind, it would be an "accident".
I'm not clear about a couple of things in your narrative. You said, when his house had a problem with the A/C. Is it his house, or his mother's? Does his mother not have her own assets to pay for A/C repair? A retirement savings, Social Security from a deceased spouse, or anything at all?
What is he doing with his income? Some posters here seem to have assumed he doesn't work, but you said he earns a middle-class income. Where is that money going?
I wonder what would happen if you two did get married. At that point, legally your two incomes would be your mutual assets. In theory, you'd be free to spend his money to pay for home maintenance, and occasional dinners and entertainment together. You could split the expenses equally, but --in theory, and legally--you could manage the joint assets. Has he said anything about keeping separate bank accounts, or having you sign a prenuptual agreement (which would be absurd, given the circumstances)?
In any case, I think it's clear he wouldn't stand for joint bank accounts, joint retirement savings, etc. It seems he wouldn't be able to handle that emotionally/psychologically. I also would not let him move in with me, if I were you! OP, if he moves in, and you quickly find out the two of you aren't compatible in close quarters, you'll never be able to get rid of him! Do not open yourself up to that particular nightmare!
Keep looking for a guy who's generous, giving, responsible about making repairs to home and car, eats fresh food (OP, do you really need to ask us about this one?!), and has a normal, healthy psychological profile. It will take time to find such a person with whom you also have chemistry, common interests, etc., but the sooner you move on from this human hazard in your life, the sooner you can be on your way to finding a better prospect for a partner. The longer you allow the current relationship to drag on, the farther you'll be postponing your quest for a fulfilling (and safe) relationship.
That was his mother's house. According to what he says, he is willing to pay the mother, but the mother did not want to take. The mother is extremely thrifty too. She has good assets but would hope the son do all the repairment.
I have doubt about the boundary in his family. His sister is married, but still asking him for all kinds of help. such as fixing her AC. The craziest thing she ever asked was: she want him to stay at home not to visit me for at least a week, just because she was about to deliver a baby so if he is "on call" at home she could be very convenient to call for help, when she actually has husband living with her.
I think his strange behavior has a lot to do with his unhealthy family boundary.
Thanks for pointing out the significance of this aspect of the guy's penny-pinching. This should not be glossed over or underestimated. OP, he could end up killing himself or others, or both of you. But in his mind, it would be an "accident".
I'm not clear about a couple of things in your narrative. You said, when his house had a problem with the A/C. Is it his house, or his mother's? Does his mother not have her own assets to pay for A/C repair? A retirement savings, Social Security from a deceased spouse, or anything at all?.
That was my question! When the AC was out for 5 weeks, was the mom suffering in heat too? How old is she? Because if she’s a senior (well, even if not!), that is unacceptable, irresponsible, and just horrible. It’s one thing to be an idiot and wait 5 weeks to get it working just to be cheap, but it’s another to put other people through that.
OP, I could not find any redeeming qualities in your post. Other than “the majority of his coworkers say he is a good person. Also I appreciate his emotional stability. We share similar interests and there is chemistry between us.”
A good person, similar interests, etc. doesn’t mean someone is a good match to be in a relationship with. Do you really want to stress about food safety all the time with him? Otherwise walk on eggshells about what to order out because you don’t want to seem to ask him to pay for a more pricey meal?! I mean, that sounds exhausting, let alone what everyone else up thread has said.
In the past. we had several threads started by women who had moved in with, or married, men who were compulsively, irrationally "frugal", i.e. "cheap". None of them were able to endure the situation long-term. There were none of the usual thoughtful little gestures toward them,that are a normal part of relationships; an occasional dinner out, holiday and birthday gifts, a weekend romantic getaway, small thoughtful gestures at home. This is one thing that contributes to bonding and caring. And of course, it's usually a reciprocal thing; it's enjoyable to treat each other, give each other little surprises now and then, and so on.
OP, the extreme nature of your bf's "frugality" is indicative of some form of mental illness. This "frugality" is compulsive and irrational to the point of endangering himself and others. Obsessive-compulsive behavior is a mental illness. And you say, you realized it's probably connected to a degree of autism.
Is there a reason you feel you can't find a better partner? Or is it the "chemistry" you two have together, and mutual interests, plus this "good man" image, that leads you to settle for these crumbs? You need to have more esteem for yourself. Is there a cultural difference between yourself and your bf, or the norm in whichever country you live in? Are you in the US? I detect a slight accent in your posts. Sometimes it can be difficult to put personalities in perspective, when one is living outside one's own culture.
In any case, I think you've received some good responses and guidance here. Follow your instincts. Listen to that little voice inside, that's trying to warn you about this situation. Trust your inner voice. It has your best interests at heart.
Thank you so much, Ruth4Truth, I enjoy reading your reply. I can see you are an intelligent person.
And you guessed it. I am an immigrant. I have been living in the US for 10 years. He is an white American.
I grow up in a megacity in Asia, because of the house market is extremely expensive. It is normal that young people live with parents until they get married.
My mom is frugal but my dad wastes lots of money. I grow up in the drama and conflict caused by the financial compatibility between my parents.
Because of these reasons, at the beginning of our relationship, I did not consider "living with mom" and "being frugal" as red flags. Until I gradually realize his personal boundary with the family and his "cheap" behavior makes me very uncomfortable.
I want to him to move in with me because I want to see how would happy if he moves away from his unhealthy mother. If he would grow up, or not. But I am worried I might just waste more time.
I suggest him seeing therapist. I think it is important to let him know that his behavior and family boundary is not just hurting our relationship, it will make him difficult to settle down with women
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Sometimes it can be difficult to put personalities in perspective, when one is living outside one's own culture. 
It has your best interests at heart.
