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I've been divorced for 16 years. I'm lucky in that my kids are now 22 and 25 so I don't have much contact with the ex anymore. He cheated on me, I tossed him out and I thought that was the end of the story.
Recently I've been having very vivid dreams where my kids are small again and my ex is in the picture. The consistent recurring theme is that I have done something to disappoint him...usually failed to complete home renovations, failed to clean the house, failed to meet some other expectation. The list of things i did that he disapproved of in real life was long. He was stern, unforgiving, humorless and unkind. My appearance, my weight (I was a size 12 when we divorced and that was too much for him), my daily routines, you name it, he criticized it. My daughters have reported that he still sometimes makes fun of my old beat up and messy car, my small shabby house, etc. I"m okay with the choices I've made and my lifestyle...it isn't extravagant but my house is paid in full.
The dreams happen multiple times a week! What can I do to get him out of my head? This constant disapproval is getting me down as if it were happening again in real life (I'm enjoying the parts of the dreams where my kids are small again).
We are all different, so probably I am wrong, but that's never stopped me before.
When I start having thoughts about people in my past, I've noticed that the thoughts appear to be coming from either guilt, or not having enough in my life at the present. What you describe happened to me after my mom died in 2011. For the first year, I could not get her barbs and criticisms from popping into my head. Mom loved me, but we had a conflicting relationship since I was 13. Perhaps earlier. On top of that, she wasn't shy about telling anyone when they were wrong headed or "lacked the sense God gave a goose." A lot like your ex-husband. Once she died, and there was no longer any possibility that we could "get on track" with each other, my grief was primarily guilt.
This is going to sound weird, but what I did was this:
Visualizing my mom before me, I asked her politely to sit down before me, and just listen because this time I had a few things to say. (I was alone and didn't have an audience to think I'd gone off my own rails.)
Then as I kept my vision of her seated before me, I said all the things I'd not ever said to her before. I was respectful, and I refused to let myself emote. I just told her what I thought of her and how she treated others, but especially me. Oh, my vision tried to cut in from time to time, but I just raised my palm in the universal STOP sign, and told her this was MY time to talk. By the time I had my say completely, my vision of her sat there, stunned silent, and she appeared near tears.
I heard her voice in my head, like she was really there, speaking quietly and humbly: "You are right. I knew this all along, but I couldn't seem to stop being like this." Then my eyes were teary. I acknowledged that I was partly to blame. We both stood, hugged, and then I thanked her for listening. Then I visualized her walking to and out the door, stopping to turn and smile before she disappeared.
From that point on, I have not heard one cross word from my mom in my thoughts. We'd cleared the air, forgiven each other, and went on our separate paths. Now, when I am nearby the place I released her ashes, I send up a little prayer that she is at peace and happy.
Crazy, I know, and I know your ex isn't dead, but he has still taken up residence in your head -- and it is your thoughts that are disturbing your peace.
I hope you try it, and it works as well for you as it did me. (And you don't have to tell a soul.)
And i am here to help. But I'm sure your strategy if telling her what she wants to hear over and over and over again is helpful.
Actually, I advised her to seek counseling to unravel what she has been burying. Telling a woman she's some manosphere derogatory selfish person is NOT helping, it is spreading the red pill word, and we all know it. It is disliking women, and advising them to dislike themselves.
The OP has had real experiences, a real life, and she needs to unravel whatever is going on. JMO.
Actually, I advised her to seek counseling to unravel what she has been burying. Telling a woman she's some manosphere derogatory selfish person is NOT helping, it is spreading the red pill word, and we all know it. It is disliking women, and advising them to dislike themselves.
The OP has had real experiences, a real life, and she needs to unravel whatever is going on. JMO.
I love the ladies.... I'm a feminist. I don't fit the narrative at all. I'm here to help. I also learn. We need all points of view or it becomes an echo chamber. In grateful to the woman in my life who gave it to me straight .
I've been divorced for 16 years. I'm lucky in that my kids are now 22 and 25 so I don't have much contact with the ex anymore. He cheated on me, I tossed him out and I thought that was the end of the story.
Recently I've been having very vivid dreams where my kids are small again and my ex is in the picture. The consistent recurring theme is that I have done something to disappoint him...usually failed to complete home renovations, failed to clean the house, failed to meet some other expectation. The list of things i did that he disapproved of in real life was long. He was stern, unforgiving, humorless and unkind. My appearance, my weight (I was a size 12 when we divorced and that was too much for him), my daily routines, you name it, he criticized it. My daughters have reported that he still sometimes makes fun of my old beat up and messy car, my small shabby house, etc. I"m okay with the choices I've made and my lifestyle...it isn't extravagant but my house is paid in full.
The dreams happen multiple times a week! What can I do to get him out of my head? This constant disapproval is getting me down as if it were happening again in real life (I'm enjoying the parts of the dreams where my kids are small again).
I did bring it up in group therapy, and the therapist said to write a script of what I would say to ex in the dream if I could before I sleep. She said eventually I would be able to tell him. I'm dubious. But I found "Back the h*** off" to be a pretty easy script to write.
Are you taking any type of anti-depressant or some other med? Antidepressants can give you really vivid dreams especially around the time you adjust the doseage. So you might want to talk to your doctor if this is a side effect of meds.
Second if it isn't that, then you might want to read up on lucid dreaming. It is possible to make yourself aware that you are dreaming while the dream is happening and you can direct your dreams. Supposedly flying while dreaming is really fun. But if you can direct yourself to fly in your dreams you can probably come up with more intersting dreams than dreams about your ex.
I used to dream about my ex husband a lot. The dreams would happen every 3 or 4 months, for years. They were always kind of the same.
He and I would be someplace, getting along, having a good time somewhere...maybe a party. Maybe at a park, or a carnival...really connecting it would seem...and then he'd be gone. And he left without saying goodbye.
The dreams always made me sad. There was no big emotion. No fight or yelling...it was like he just forgot about me and left. I remember one of the dreams specifically, where we were at a carnival, and he'd won me some stuffed animal, and we were sitting on a bench. Then he got up and started walking away. At first, I thought it was to throw something in the trash, but like a flash, I realized "Oh. He's not coming back." And I watched him go.
That was kind of a new development...figuring it out as it was happening.
And then, at some point later, I had a dream that started out as they usually do. We're getting along, having a good time together...and then something more interesting or more fun came up, and I left without saying goodbye. I didn't leave to be mean, or vengeful, or anything like that. I had just forgotten about him, and I left to do something better. THAT was a hallelujah dream.
I used to dream about my ex husband a lot. The dreams would happen every 3 or 4 months, for years. They were always kind of the same.
He and I would be someplace, getting along, having a good time somewhere...maybe a party. Maybe at a park, or a carnival...really connecting it would seem...and then he'd be gone. And he left without saying goodbye.
The dreams always made me sad. There was no big emotion. No fight or yelling...it was like he just forgot about me and left. I remember one of the dreams specifically, where we were at a carnival, and he'd won me some stuffed animal, and we were sitting on a bench. Then he got up and started walking away. At first, I thought it was to throw something in the trash, but like a flash, I realized "Oh. He's not coming back." And I watched him go.
That was kind of a new development...figuring it out as it was happening.
And then, at some point later, I had a dream that started out as they usually do. We're getting along, having a good time together...and then something more interesting or more fun came up, and I left without saying goodbye. I didn't leave to be mean, or vengeful, or anything like that. I had just forgotten about him, and I left to do something better. THAT was a hallelujah dream.
This is actually very profound.
You got over him and your dreams told you so.
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