Don't want children and find it hard to meet people (girls, lover)
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For the record, I am childfree by choice and avoid children at all costs. I find babies and young children actually repulsive, although am courteous to all kids if I must be around them. After all, they can't help being what they are and that I don't like to be around what they are.
Yes, some childfree people like or work with children or something. And some of us genuinely dislike the state of child people. None of it is selfish or "not adult" or any such. You don't wanna, you just don't wanna, and that's OK. There don't have to be "reasons." Frankly, I'd like to ask everyone who wants children to tell me why they want them. I'll bet there'd be some blank looks and some interesting answers. And no, it isn't "natural" to want them. It is natural to expect something in your life that was unavoidable in most of life for eons, and that you have always been told is inevitable.
Frankly, I think people's minds haven't caught up to the relatively recent facts of reliable birth control, legal abortion, and social options for women in addition to marriage and having work options. (Now *that* is feminism...) Having children is a lifestyle choice, not a requirement. I personally see it as a private expensive hobby where genuine choices are available. Notice how many people opt out even this soon after social changes and birth control and all. Apparently having a real choice significantly helps many people to choose the childfree option.
As some politician once said about abortion, I think child-raising should be safe, legal and rare, like choosing to be a monk or something. There will be fewer people, and they will be a lot more welcomed in their families and raised much better.
It's always an interesting debate when you tell someone you don't want kids. I've been called things like "selfish" or "afraid to be an adult" by a couple people who don't understand
This fellow took his CF resolve public. Notice the comments. Some are supporting, others fit right in with the popular drinking games and bingo cards one finds on CF boards
Again, I love kids and I understand why most people enjoy being parents... but it's just not for me. A house in the suburbs, a minivan, PTA meetings, and "family" vacations is simply not the lifestyle that I enjoy living. This was how I felt when I was 18, and even though a lot of things have changed in my life since then, it's still how I feel ten years later.
That’s a very clear statement; any childed people who still ‘don’t get it’ must have rocks for brains. To them I want to say “it’s not just the kids, ya dummy, it’s the life”. I remember being young and realizing that being a parent is a big thing - a reallyBig Thing. Most of my ideas on the subject were diffuse; a vague “I just doan wanna”; but once I got older I added more concrete views to the “I doan wanna” of why I didn’t want to be a parent. Mainly it’s that choices are cut off. Being a responsible parent means any major decision you make, you have to assess the impact to your kid(s) first. Just take a look at the state boards and you’ll see that. People relocate to other states so their kids can get a better education, or they can afford a house big enough to raise a family. Once they arrive, the priority is ‘safe, family oriented communities and good schools’. Other major life decisions – to change careers if you are bored, stressed out, or just feel you’ve grown out of your current job – you gotta think of the kid(s) and how they will be affected. Shoot, people even stay in bad relationships (mostly women) “because of the kids.”
I’m in a career field that has been pretty erratic for at least the last 10 years. There have been x-country relocations, layoffs, mergers – things that cause a lot of stress. Each time the rumor mill started that something was coming down the pike, I saw the stress fall on my childed co-workers immediately. Rumors of layoffs, that the department was going to be shifted to another part of the country – my spouse and I rolled our eyes and checked our bank balance to make sure we had enough put by to deal with the impact of losing our jobs or having to decide if we wanted to uproot ourselves and move. The parents in our department began to speculate and trade more rumors “I hear we’re being moved to <name of state>. I wonder how the schools are there. Is it true that houses are more expensive? Jobs are tight here. If we turn down the relocation, I don’t think I’ll be able to find another job in my field here. I sure can’t take that chance, what with having a family to support.” When the decision was made that the company was going to move, Spouse and I shrugged and said “sure, sounds like an interesting place.” The relocation assistance provided by the company was totally – TOTALLY – geared towards transplanting families. School tours, realtors assigned to help people find homes …. Aside from the single people who just took apartments close to work, Spouse and I were the oddballs to deal with. As a CF couple, they didn’t know what to do with us. We didn’t like the ‘safe, family-friendly’ neighborhoods, and eventually had to just go out on our own to find a house. The realtor just couldn’t get it into her head that what everyone else wanted, we did not.
A few years later, when the company again decided to uproot everyone and move way over to another part of the country, Spouse and I said “no. we like it here. You can take our jobs and ….. we’re not moving again.” For our childed co-workers, it was drama all over again with having to make decisions that would impact more than just themselves.
Plain speaking, the family-oriented life just doesn’t appeal to me, as it doesn’t to Coem. And for those who aren’t satisfied with me replying “I doan wanna” I add that I haven’t the patience, stress capacity, or desire to make a life with so many potential complications that come with being a parent.
Don't give up on meeting the right person. It will happen.
I knew from the get go, I did not want to have kids. I married a guy who felt the same way. We are approaching our ten year anniversary. We have no regrets.
"For those who haven't had the pleasure of knowing Bright* in the CF world, those statements have taken on an iconic stature"
Gawd. I cannot continue to rest on my laurels. Gotta come up with some new stories.
For the gloomy record, one might never find "the right one," young/old, male/female. Sometimes people are tempted to "give in" and have a kid they don't want as the price of relationship. Maybe that can work, but what a dicey gamble, and involves a vulnerable child. And believe me, that relationship the person wants to pay to save will change dramatically when the kid arrives. He/she might have paid the price for nothing. (I have met many husbands with young children at home who are very, uh, happy to meet me and people like me).
If you don't wanna, you don't wanna. So don't. Better to be alone and still hope than to be stuck, responsible for a life you reluctantly helped create, and unhappy coupled or a miserable single parent. (Yes, you could end up the sole parent, through divorce or tragedy! Try that on for size!)
"For those who haven't had the pleasure of knowing Bright* in the CF world, those statements have taken on an iconic stature"
Gawd. I cannot continue to rest on my laurels. Gotta come up with some new stories.
For the gloomy record, one might never find "the right one," young/old, male/female. Sometimes people are tempted to "give in" and have a kid they don't want as the price of relationship. Maybe that can work, but what a dicey gamble, and involves a vulnerable child. And believe me, that relationship the person wants to pay to save will change dramatically when the kid arrives. He/she might have paid the price for nothing. (I have met many husbands with young children at home who are very, uh, happy to meet me and people like me).
If you don't wanna, you don't wanna. So don't. Better to be alone and still hope than to be stuck, responsible for a life you reluctantly helped create, and unhappy coupled or a miserable single parent. (Yes, you could end up the sole parent, through divorce or tragedy! Try that on for size!)
Well said. I've met many people who never should have had kids and it's the kids who pay for that.
One of the advantages I found to online sites, especially ones like match.com where the profiles are longer and more in-depth, is that someone can say up front specifics like no children, so everyone is on the same page to start. I find it a respectful and dignified way to get clear on those topics from the get go. And, like you, avoid the sticky point where once someone finds out "no kids" ---or in my case "no drinking, no smoking, no drugs"---and says not interested, which can be uncomfortable for all parties.
I have a lot of respect for people who know and say "no kids" because it says to me they know themselves, they are clear on what works for them, it is important to them to create a quality of life, they are willing to speak out honestly at the risk of possible disapproval, and they have clear direct communication. All of those, to me, are very much a plus in the relationship arena, and speak to a high level of maturity and self-development.
Best wishes to the opening post person on finding a wonderful partner in life. There are people who feel the same way and you are helping pave the way for more people to feel free to make the same choice. Good on you!
One of the advantages I found to online sites, especially ones like match.com where the profiles are longer and more in-depth, is that someone can say up front specifics like no children, so everyone is on the same page to start. I find it a respectful and dignified way to get clear on those topics from the get go. And, like you, avoid the sticky point where once someone finds out "no kids" ---or in my case "no drinking, no smoking, no drugs"---and says not interested, which can be uncomfortable for all parties.
I have a lot of respect for people who know and say "no kids" because it says to me they know themselves, they are clear on what works for them, it is important to them to create a quality of life, they are willing to speak out honestly at the risk of possible disapproval, and they have clear direct communication. All of those, to me, are very much a plus in the relationship arena, and speak to a high level of maturity and self-development.
Best wishes to the opening post person on finding a wonderful partner in life. There are people who feel the same way and you are helping pave the way for more people to feel free to make the same choice. Good on you!
You know what? I also have alot of respect or people, especially women, who says no to children.
After looking past "don't wanna," and all the many reasons I can articulate, I can sum it up by knowing a) I have no interest in spending time with babies or children. 2) I see nothing appealing (for me) about the life of a parent 3) I don't want to spend the next 20 years of my life/energy/resources/relationship around numbers 1 + 2.
I think that about covers it.
When people talk about preferring a career or worrying about the environment, I do think those are surface, but real, reasons. But people who want to be parents do so despite the above concerns.
Well said. I've met many people who never should have had kids and it's the kids who pay for that.
That is a fact, I know a few people who shouldn't have had kids. Complete screw ups, the kids and the parents. It seems like a lot of people just have kids because that's what you are "supposed'" to do. Everytime the subject comes up about kids and how I don't have them, I get either the oh "poor" you look or a complete blank stare, like it's incomprehensible to not have children. It get friggin old after awhile
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