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It's normal when someone moves to a new country as an adult to hang on to the old ways of their birth country. But presumably he left his homeland for the US to become American, not try to recreate the old culture in the new country.
You were raised in the American culture with heritage similar to his. You could help him acclimate to his adopted country, explain how things are done and what to expect in dating American style.
But I'm getting the feeling you don't really want American dating where the woman is expected, in the name of equality, to contribute almost 50/50 to expenses. The US is so large with regions within regions, that's it's impossible to define one style of "American dating" that every couple follows. People work out things between themselves as they go along within the larger framework.
If I'm getting it right, you would really like your new friend to pick up most of the tab while you contribute around the edges. Doing the driving in your own car is a major contribution though, especially with also paying for gas. So kudos to you, very generous.
You want him to pay for hotels and meals but you're not exactly sure how to approach the subject. I can understand, you haven't even known each other very long and have never met.
It's a little difficult to give advice on how to approach money talk, mainly because I wouldn't ever go on the road for four nights (or any nights) with a man I didn't really know, much less talk about money. He's probably a very nice man, but... he's essentially a stranger, isn't he?
Would you consider redesigning the visit? Wouldn't it be simpler and less stressful, not to mention less expensive, to have him stay in a hotel near you and discover your town and surrounding area together rather than going on the road (just the thought of staying in a hotel room alone with a man I just met gives me the heebee jeebees).
You could have dinner at your place a few nights (your treat), go out to dinner a few night (his treat) and get to know each other in a more relaxed atmosphere less fraught with who pays for what.
thanks for your answer...no we are not Persian but close so those customs you mentioned pretty much apply to us both and we are from Christian countries. This is why I want to keep the old world tradition of men taking the financial lead but I do not mind pitching in but don't want to do it 50/50 on everything as he would assume that it's going to be this way all the time. I wouldn't mind paying here and there this is why I do not know how to approach the convo about the accommodations during our trip and it's stressing me out lol.
My intention here is not to pry about your ethnicity here and I get that you might want to keep this private, so for purposes of this discussion let's assume you are Armenian and he is Maronite. Even though Armenian dating customs aren't the same as Maronite dating norms, they are both pretty dissimilar to American dating norms.
Here is the thing, this guy probably is somewhat befuddled by American dating norms. He just hasn't been in the country that long. In his ideal world he probably would like to date a nice Maronite woman, but because he can't find a lot of those women in America, he might assume an Armenian woman is a lot closer in values to him, than an American woman.
Think about how comfortable you are with Armenian traditional gender roles. The more comfortable you are with that type of relationship, the more you want to follow Armenian traditional dating patterns and do what your mom or aunts might have done in this situation if they were in your position. If on the other hand, you have become more Americanized and you don't want to have that type of relationship because you wanted a more culturally blended relationship, then you might want to offer to pay.
He is going to pay attention to whether you offer to pay to figure out how Americanized you are. Even if Maronite dating practices don't align perfectly with Armenian dating practices, that doesn't matter too much right now. I am not worried about you nailing Maronite dating customs, you are going to mess some of those up and that is a risk you both knew and expected going into this. But both of you are trying to figure out right now if either of you is either too little or too much Americanized for the other. That's a big part of what this trip is about for both of you.
So you want to be really honest with yourself about what type of relationship you really want with this guy. Your decision shouldn't be based on what you think he wants or what strangers on the Internet think, but what type of relationship you really want and feel comfortable with. I don't want you to feel judged about how Americanized you are or aren't. With people from blended cultures, you get to pick which aspects of which culture works best for you. That is a strength of being an immigrant in America.
It's a little difficult to give advice on how to approach money talk, mainly because I wouldn't ever go on the road for four nights (or any nights) with a man I didn't really know, much less talk about money. He's probably a very nice man, but... he's essentially a stranger, isn't he?
Would you consider redesigning the visit? Wouldn't it be simpler and less stressful, not to mention less expensive, to have him stay in a hotel near you and discover your town and surrounding area together rather than going on the road (just the thought of staying in a hotel room alone with a man I just met gives me the heebee jeebees).
You could have dinner at your place a few nights (your treat), go out to dinner a few night (his treat) and get to know each other in a more relaxed atmosphere less fraught with who pays for what.
My intention here is not to pry about your ethnicity here and I get that you might want to keep this private, so for purposes of this discussion let's assume you are Armenian and he is Maronite. Even though Armenian dating customs aren't the same as Maronite dating norms, they are both pretty dissimilar to American dating norms.
Here is the thing, this guy probably is somewhat befuddled by American dating norms. He just hasn't been in the country that long. In his ideal world he probably would like to date a nice Maronite woman, but because he can't find a lot of those women in America, he might assume an Armenian woman is a lot closer in values to him, than an American woman.
Think about how comfortable you are with Armenian traditional gender roles. The more comfortable you are with that type of relationship, the more you want to follow Armenian traditional dating patterns and do what your mom or aunts might have done in this situation if they were in your position. If on the other hand, you have become more Americanized and you don't want to have that type of relationship because you wanted a more culturally blended relationship, then you might want to offer to pay.
He is going to pay attention to whether you offer to pay to figure out how Americanized you are. Even if Maronite dating practices don't align perfectly with Armenian dating practices, that doesn't matter too much right now. I am not worried about you nailing Maronite dating customs, you are going to mess some of those up and that is a risk you both knew and expected going into this. But both of you are trying to figure out right now if either of you is either too little or too much Americanized for the other. That's a big part of what this trip is about for both of you.
So you want to be really honest with yourself about what type of relationship you really want with this guy. Your decision shouldn't be based on what you think he wants or what strangers on the Internet think, but what type of relationship you really want and feel comfortable with. I don't want you to feel judged about how Americanized you are or aren't. With people from blended cultures, you get to pick which aspects of which culture works best for you. That is a strength of being an immigrant in America.
Yes, I am Armenian, but he isn't a Maronite, although my first boyfriend in high school was, and I saw no difference between us. This guy is a lot closer to me than a Lebanese. After reading some of the suggestions, I now would like to contribute towards half of the accommodation so that I can also have a say in what gets picked. That way a nice place would be picked when there's no stress on one side to book a nice hotel that is clean and somewhat proper for a romantic stay if that room might be a little pricey for him. Booking a pricey room when you are paying half of it would definitely ease things a bit.
I do not know how the following question will sound if I suggest to him this: "so should we both pick where we are staying and split the hotel in half? I can look for options and share them with you and we can both decide?" Does this sound proper or is there another better way to word what I'd like to say? Sorry, it's just that I only dated locally, so this situation is unusual for me. I won't say anything about restaurants/dining, so will let him take care of it like a gentleman, especially when in Armenian culture, men always pay no matter what. Plus...I am going to be paying a lot for gas anyway with these crazy gas prices all around southern cali now along with so much driving as if I'm the dude lol
Yes, I am Armenian, but he isn't a Maronite, although my first boyfriend in high school was, and I saw no difference between us. This guy is a lot closer to me than a Lebanese. After reading some of the suggestions, I now would like to contribute towards half of the accommodation so that I can also have a say in what gets picked. That way a nice place would be picked when there's no stress on one side to book a nice hotel that is clean and somewhat proper for a romantic stay if that room might be a little pricey for him. Booking a pricey room when you are paying half of it would definitely ease things a bit.
I do not know how the following question will sound if I suggest to him this: "so should we both pick where we are staying and split the hotel in half? I can look for options and share them with you and we can both decide?" Does this sound proper or is there another better way to word what I'd like to say? Sorry, it's just that I only dated locally, so this situation is unusual for me. I won't say anything about restaurants/dining, so will let him take care of it like a gentleman, especially when in Armenian culture, men always pay no matter what. Plus...I am going to be paying a lot for gas anyway with these crazy gas prices all around southern cali now along with so much driving as if I'm the dude lol
One of the things I really miss about Los Angeles was the food and especially the garlic sauce at Zankou Chicken. I know that place was started by Armenian immigrants who used to live in Lebanon. I don't know if their food was more Armenian or Lebanese, but my friends and I always thought any guy who was going to date/marry a traditional Armenian woman was always going to eat really well. So I think your boyfriend is a very lucky man and me and all of my friends in Los Angeles are completely jealous.
As to the hotel arrangements, how soon is he coming out? I think your heart is in the right place , but I think I would want to ask first if he has already made reservations anywhere. If he's coming out soon, especially around the holidays, one of the concerns I would have if I were him is I would not want to arrive in LA and then find out that everywhere was already booked up. If he waits too long he could end up both paying through the roof for a bad room in a bad hotel because that is all that is available while looking really cheap, like he doesn't care about you. No guy wants to be in that spot.
If you two haven't locked down the specific dates he is arriving yet nor the specific itinerary then, I think your suggestion is good, but I might phrase it as would it be helpful for me to send you a list of hotels we might want to stay at in Southern California and you can make the final decision? I am willing to split the cost if that would be helpful.
Alternatively I might not even ask if he wants help and I might just send him a list of hotels, saying I know you got a lot on your plate so I prepared a list of hotels for your consideration. I am willing to split the cost if that would be helpful.
If you research the hotels, you can screen out any place you don't want. You are also sharing the decision, while giving him the illusion he is in charge and has the final decision. My girlfriend does this all the time to me, it works. She is really great at giving me the illusion I am in charge while totally running the show. It's an art.
One of the things I really miss about Los Angeles was the food and especially the garlic sauce at Zankou Chicken. I know that place was started by Armenian immigrants who used to live in Lebanon. I don't know if their food was more Armenian or Lebanese, but my friends and I always thought any guy who was going to date/marry a traditional Armenian woman was always going to eat really well. So I think your boyfriend is a very lucky man and me and all of my friends in Los Angeles are completely jealous.
As to the hotel arrangements, how soon is he coming out? I think your heart is in the right place , but I think I would want to ask first if he has already made reservations anywhere. If he's coming out soon, especially around the holidays, one of the concerns I would have if I were him is I would not want to arrive in LA and then find out that everywhere was already booked up. If he waits too long he could end up both paying through the roof for a bad room in a bad hotel because that is all that is available while looking really cheap, like he doesn't care about you. No guy wants to be in that spot.
If you two haven't locked down the specific dates he is arriving yet nor the specific itinerary then, I think your suggestion is good, but I might phrase it as would it be helpful for me to send you a list of hotels we might want to stay at in Southern California and you can make the final decision? I am willing to split the cost if that would be helpful.
Alternatively I might not even ask if he wants help and I might just send him a list of hotels, saying I know you got a lot on your plate so I prepared a list of hotels for your consideration. I am willing to split the cost if that would be helpful.
If you research the hotels, you can screen out any place you don't want. You are also sharing the decision, while giving him the illusion he is in charge and has the final decision. My girlfriend does this all the time to me, it works. She is really great at giving me the illusion I am in charge while totally running the show. It's an art.
LMAO...thanks for the lesson at the end! I'm totally going to do that from now on. He does not know the exact day, but it's going to be at the very beginning of December...that we know for sure. He will let me know in a week for sure as it depends on his work. Zankou chicken is more Lebanese btw...I had their falafel two days ago. It's a few minutes away from my home, so TAKE THAT! )))))) On a serious note, thanks a lot for your help. I really appreciate it ))
I like Ruby's suggestion. That's what I would do. But in those 4 days you can probably do many amazing daytrips and then drop him off at his hotel room again. A lot of incredible things are within 2 hours driving usually. You can do a day trip from LA to SD easily. Heck, you could spend 2 weeks around LA and it doesn't get boring.
I would NOT go on a 4 day trip with a stranger. He can book the flight and the hotel and you drive him around and pay for entrance fees/parking/snacks. Dinners - I would go with the flow. If he let's you pay every time, you know he is not your man.
What I have done with visitors before is that I make an itinerary, have a list of things to do and also stack my kitchen with snacks that we can take on the road. Feel him out what he is interested in and find those things to do. Or just drive down the coast. Hiking. Rent ebikes. Whale watching. Old towns. SoCAl has endless possibilities. Show him Armenia Town, Chinese Town, the Hollywood sign, the Walk of Fame, Chinese Theater, Observatory (if you go before noon on week days there is no parking fee), Venice Beach, Rodeo Drive, Santa Monica Pier, drive through Malibu, drive by the Film Studios, Mulholland Drive, show him one or two celebrity mansions if he is interested, the Grove .... that alone can occupy 4 days easily.
If he is a horrible person, you can drop him off at his hotel at the end of the first day and say byyyyyyyeee. If he is amazing, you could still stay the night with him ... or go on more day trips.
LMAO...thanks for the lesson at the end! I'm totally going to do that from now on. He does not know the exact day, but it's going to be at the very beginning of December...that we know for sure. He will let me know in a week for sure as it depends on his work. Zankou chicken is more Lebanese btw...I had their falafel two days ago. It's a few minutes away from my home, so TAKE THAT! )))))) On a serious note, thanks a lot for your help. I really appreciate it ))
So close to Zankou, so close to God. LOL ) I hope it works out real well for both of you! Good luck!!!
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so those customs you mentioned pretty much apply to us both and we are from Christian countries. This is why I want to keep the old world tradition of men taking the financial lead but I do not mind pitching in but don't want to do it 50/50 on everything as he would assume that it's going to be this way all the time. I wouldn't mind paying here and there this is why I do not know how to approach the convo about the accommodations during our trip and it's stressing me out lol.
