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(I kind of find it hard to believe, though, that a guy who believes the man is top dog and the breadwinner is going to be the one to leave his home to move to where you are-- much less traditional people would still believe it's the woman who should take the hit and move. I take it that it would be easy for him to get a new job there? He doesn't mind giving up current job, friends, family if he has some in the area, hobbies, etc.?)
OP, are you sure about his intentions for you? This sounds more like he wants a friend with benefit. I would also be very surprised that he has family/good job and would just give up everything for you?
mehhhh....looks like I'm paying for half of accommodation ))) I just spoke with him and he agreed without any hesitation. ))))))))))))))) I'm surprised but not surprised...I don't know. I feel like if he was Armenian, he would get offended as a man if I paid for my half and would not take it. But anyway...at least this way I can have a say in what is booked, so one positive thing about it. Won't be offering any $ for anything else like dinners etc. He also wants to visit the zoo in SD which is like $100 if not more per person, so I won't even move my finger on that. Thanks for the advice ))
ok, you should have (and maybe re-approach it now) approached it how you would expect it to be after you are married. If you expect he is to pay for everything then, then he should pay for everything now. You are setting the wrong expectations if you don't do that.
From the first year we were dating my husband and I split all dating costs, then when we lived together, split all housing costs. We are now married 17 years, and still do the same. (We don't tally things to the penny, just take turns paying for dinners, and generally split who pays what bills. We also have never had a joint bank account, so money is actually separate.)
I am not saying our way is right for everyone; certainly not. It works for us. But, it's what we have done since we got together. But, if you don't expect to pay in the future, don't start paying now.
If he's actually wanting to start another family - do both of you not realize that you will be lucky to have one child if you start today. You will also be in a high risk pregnancy category.
Consider that if he knows you own your place that he may want you for your real estate. See how he feels if you say you want a pre-nup.
That was my concern about having a child at 40+, which sometimes isn't possible and there can be health concerns when possible. If he is wanting a baby, and someone can't deliver, that could be out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oh-eve
OP, are you sure about his intentions for you? This sounds more like he wants a friend with benefit. I would also be very surprised that he has family/good job and would just give up everything for you?
At a minimum I would get a background check on him, a really good one. I definitely would not travel alone with him. Maybe looking for a "sugar momma"? Maybe a very real danger.
Are you that desperate to have a man in your life?
It certainly appears that way by the simple fact that she had to ask who is paying for what. Sad to say but it appears she's been conditioned to work for love and affection when it should be given and received willingly.
That was my concern about having a child at 40+, which sometimes isn't possible and there can be health concerns when possible. If he is wanting a baby, and someone can't deliver, that could be out.
Not to mention having to chase around a little kid (or more than one) in your 40s (and I'm guessing he's thinking he'll put all the parenting on OP, so think about whether YOU want to be up half the night with a new baby, chasing a toddler around a playground, etc. at your age, with no help from him), being older than all of their peers' parents, wanting to retire except the kid's going to college now so they can't afford it (I've known a few people in that situation and it hasn't sounded fun), kid loses/has to become caregiver for parents at a young age (known a few of those, too-- also not fun, though I guess that's not the problem of OP and this guy so maybe they don't care, but OP, with him older than you and men having a shorter life expectancy, what if he dies or needs a caregiver when you're also a caregiver for a young kid, oh yeah and you don't have a source of income?), etc.
And yes, what does happen if they get married and it turns out one is infertile and he doesn't get the hoped-for child(ren)? Does he leave (along with OP's income stream)? Does he blame OP and make her feel like crap (or even get abusive, as some men do)?
OP, do you even want kids? If you've reached 40 without having them, is it because you didn't want to? He already has kids; why does he need/want more? (And is he interested in you because he's interested in you, or because he needs someone to give him more kids and you'll fit the bill? Is this a relationship, or a casting call?) You've told us a lot about what he wants from this relationship, but not much about what you want, aside from someone to pay for everything. Do you want the same things he does? Or are you just willing to go along with it in order to have a relationship?
Besides that-- you are adamant that you want the man to pay for everything when you're in a relationship, yet he's expecting you to pay for half of things. Seems to me you'd better refuse and nip this in the bud (and let him know this is the way you expect your relationship to go) right away. Otherwise, when are you planning to spring on him that he's going to be paying all the bills while you two are involved? The two of you need to sit down *now* and outline your expectations/plans for the relationship.
I hope the OP returns after the 4-day lovefest, so we can find out what really happened!
LOL...well the meeting did not happen. He is a truck driver and drives 3 weeks and rests for 4 days per month. He was supposed to fly from NY to LA to visit me on December 2 for around 4 days, as you already know from my above post. He thought that he was going to be working on Thanksgiving weekend and then rest after that, but after we had already planned for the beginning of December meetup, he informed me that plans had changed and that his employer was sending him home early for Thanksgiving weekend. He said that we could meet for Thanksgiving weekend instead which would be earlier, so I said yay the earlier the better! Mind you that for the beginning of December, the round-trip airfare price between NY-LA was $25, but for Thanksgiving weekend he informed me that the ticket price is up to $800! I checked it myself and he was right.
So that was a bummer and disappointment because I sensed that he is hesitant to spend 3 times more on airfare just to fly for Thanksgiving, and instead, told me that he would try to get a load to southern California/L.A., so that way we can still meet. If he got a load then the plan was for him to leave his truck at a truck stop in so Cali and spend 3 days here as planned. His employer said that they would look for a proper load, but Cali pays less than the East Coast, so the employer eventually did not give him a load to Cali.
Anyways, so he got a load to Vermont instead, and from there flew to NY/home on Thanksgiving. He said that he will try to get a load again to Cali after he goes back on the road on Monday, November 27. If no load is available, he will arrange the same old plan to fly to so Cali with the same $250 priced round-trip ticket from NY in 3 weeks when he goes home to rest again. He was hoping that instead of flying back to NY from any state after work, he can just drive for work to Cali and meet me here for a few days then head back instead of arranging flights back and forth.
My question is: He said previously that he has around $20-$25K of savings, that he makes decent money as a truck driver ($85K a year), so should I be bothered that he decided to see if he can drive to so cali for work instead of spending that $800 on airfare for thankgiving? After all, I had already offered to pay for my part of the hotel stay and he agreed as you know, so that would have saved him some $, plus if we do the math of $800-$250 or even more for ticket, this would mean that he would be spending around $500 extra for visiting on Thanksgiving, right? Another problem that bothered me today was when he texted me saying happy Thanksgiving, I replied saying what are you doing as it was afternoon in LA and an early evening in NY, and he said that he just woke up from his nap, so I asked him, let's talk on the phone, to which he replied saying he can't as his kids (15 yrs old girl and 19 yrs old son from college) are next to him. I said only "OK" and then he asked me "Let's talk on the phone in a few hours if you are available?" I did not respond after my "OK" and then he sent me another text immediately after saying "Do you guys have guests over today?" I did not respond again after that OK.
Was I dramatic in my silent treatment? I guess it bothered me inside that he did not talk to me just because his grown kids were around. I felt kind of insecure and did not respond anymore and I am contemplating to just "disappear" and not respond to his text messages anymore. Will he realize why I disappeared or what made me stop responding? I am not even sure whether I'd be willing to meet up in 3 weeks even if he flies from NY as planned before once his 3 weeks of work are over again. I know we haven't even met yet and I am not his girlfriend but the fact that he said he can't talk on the phone because of his teenagers, bothered me. What do you think might make him think if I simply never respond to him and just disappear? I'm a Pisces by horoscope and I tend to do that when I feel hurt as that's how I felt earlier today.
Just to explain further I wanted to add that I actually felt HURT about what he said about his kids being around since I liked him a lot. I feel like it's not my place to say anything to him about that because I am not a girlfriend and we haven't even met yet, so he might think I am being dramatic. If we were in a relationship, or at least seen each other in real by now, I could say something about not liking what he said to me. In this situation, I feel like it's not even worth explaining to him anything and I should just stay silent and disappear. Hopefully, he will realize why I disappeared. I tend to disappear and never say anything when I am hurt. I am not that bothered about the canceled trip quite honestly although it was annoying...or I should say the postponed trip...but much more bothered by him saying his kids are around. I wouldn't drop him for the postponed trip but for the comment made about his kids being around, I felt hurt immediately and didn't know what else to say except "ok" and then not answer to his other questions. It's annoying that you meet someone with whom you share interests and are attracted to, but then they say or do something that ruins the potential you know. Would you guys feel hurt like me or would you take it as a grain of salt?
LOL...well the meeting did not happen. He is a truck driver and drives 3 weeks and rests for 4 days per month. He was supposed to fly from NY to LA to visit me on December 2 for around 4 days, as you already know from my above post. He thought that he was going to be working on Thanksgiving weekend and then rest after that, but after we had already planned for the beginning of December meetup, he informed me that plans had changed and that his employer was sending him home early for Thanksgiving weekend. He said that we could meet for Thanksgiving weekend instead which would be earlier, so I said yay the earlier the better! Mind you that for the beginning of December, the round-trip airfare price between NY-LA was $25, but for Thanksgiving weekend he informed me that the ticket price is up to $800! I checked it myself and he was right.
So that was a bummer and disappointment because I sensed that he is hesitant to spend 3 times more on airfare just to fly for Thanksgiving, and instead, told me that he would try to get a load to southern California/L.A., so that way we can still meet. If he got a load then the plan was for him to leave his truck at a truck stop in so Cali and spend 3 days here as planned. His employer said that they would look for a proper load, but Cali pays less than the East Coast, so the employer eventually did not give him a load to Cali.
Anyways, so he got a load to Vermont instead, and from there flew to NY/home on Thanksgiving. He said that he will try to get a load again to Cali after he goes back on the road on Monday, November 27. If no load is available, he will arrange the same old plan to fly to so Cali with the same $250 priced round-trip ticket from NY in 3 weeks when he goes home to rest again. He was hoping that instead of flying back to NY from any state after work, he can just drive for work to Cali and meet me here for a few days then head back instead of arranging flights back and forth.
My question is: He said previously that he has around $20-$25K of savings, that he makes decent money as a truck driver ($85K a year), so should I be bothered that he decided to see if he can drive to so cali for work instead of spending that $800 on airfare for thankgiving? After all, I had already offered to pay for my part of the hotel stay and he agreed as you know, so that would have saved him some $, plus if we do the math of $800-$250 or even more for ticket, this would mean that he would be spending around $500 extra for visiting on Thanksgiving, right? Another problem that bothered me today was when he texted me saying happy Thanksgiving, I replied saying what are you doing as it was afternoon in LA and an early evening in NY, and he said that he just woke up from his nap, so I asked him, let's talk on the phone, to which he replied saying he can't as his kids (15 yrs old girl and 19 yrs old son from college) are next to him. I said only "OK" and then he asked me "Let's talk on the phone in a few hours if you are available?" I did not respond after my "OK" and then he sent me another text immediately after saying "Do you guys have guests over today?" I did not respond again after that OK.
Was I dramatic in my silent treatment? I guess it bothered me inside that he did not talk to me just because his grown kids were around. I felt kind of insecure and did not respond anymore and I am contemplating to just "disappear" and not respond to his text messages anymore. Will he realize why I disappeared or what made me stop responding? I am not even sure whether I'd be willing to meet up in 3 weeks even if he flies from NY as planned before once his 3 weeks of work are over again. I know we haven't even met yet and I am not his girlfriend but the fact that he said he can't talk on the phone because of his teenagers, bothered me. What do you think might make him think if I simply never respond to him and just disappear? I'm a Pisces by horoscope and I tend to do that when I feel hurt as that's how I felt earlier today.
Stop right there, he is broke and has two kids so the bottom line is, he has nothing to offer you. If I may share, seriously consider why are you willing to settle for someone who you have never met and is scraping by. Are you that desperate or simply can't get anyone else local?
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))))))))))))))) I'm surprised but not surprised...I don't know. I feel like if he was Armenian, he would get offended as a man if I paid for my half and would not take it. But anyway...at least this way I can have a say in what is booked, so one positive thing about it. Won't be offering any $ for anything else like dinners etc. He also wants to visit the zoo in SD which is like $100 if not more per person, so I won't even move my finger on that. Thanks for the advice ))
